I'm feeling so confused. I don't believe that I am depresses and I am not suicidal. But i do feel that the only way to be free is death.

[borderline61]

I am just so tired of trying to get thru every day. I seem to swing from being very self aware and appreciative for what I have. To then going to despair about everything.

I either over simplify things or over complicate things.

To me my situation is complex but understandable. I have been in refuge for 9months after a 10yr abusive relationship. I don't know if I was to blame if he was to be or if we were both to blame. In the end, it probably doesn't matter

But I am constantly trying to understand what happened. If I can learn from it then i would like to think I'd be better prepared in the future.

I have bpd. Huge anxiety issues. He was diagnosed with multiple conditions. But basically I think looking back he was narcissistic too. I am aware that we probably never could have made it work. But I still miss him. I told him everything, even tho he abused it and used it against me. I can't think of one reason why i should want to be with him. So why do i punish myself? Why can't I let him go? Is this normal or part of bpd?

Im waiting for psychology out patient appointment. My mind won't stop gp gave me sleeping tablets last week. Today I stayed in bed all day and now won't stop crying. I am just so tired of the whole emotional roller coaster that my life seems to have been. I'm 52 was sexually abused when 12-13. Only got counselling for this over past 6 month so I know that I m doing well in the bigger picture of things. I just find that I am tired of pretending that I'm ok. Im a surviver. Always have been. But I'm exhausted . I don't want another 4 yrs of putting up a front. I was a nurse, and its so easy for me to put on that cap and help others.

But now I'm getting burnt out. Any advice or thoughts would be appreciated. Sorry if this is a bit disjointed, never done this before. K

[hamble99b]

hi k, thank you for sharing your blog.

here you do not have to pretend or be "fine", you can be you.

well done for going to counselling,

remember though that, whilst you are talking about the sexual abuse and the abusive relationship you suffered as a adult, you are bringing out to the surface all the feelings you have tried to forget, or suppress.

through the talking will come healing,

find yourself a safe place,

allow the feelings,let the tears flow if you need to and be bloody angry too if you need to, but safely.

be kind to yourself, are you getting something to eat and drinking plenty of water or tea.

come back on here and chat or question, here people care, share, understand and, yes, have a smile at the lighthearted stuff we have.

regards,

sandra.

[Suzie40]

You've been very honest in your blog and it certainly sounds as though you've climbed mountains in terms of understanding yourself and why you feel the way you do. As Sandra said, you can share your happiest, darkest or maddest thoughts here, and you'll not be judged. I can only imagine that taking the brave step away from the relationship must have been incredibly hard. You are more than entitled to feel any sort of emotion. My advice to you would be not to worry about whether you are depressed or not, but to have a chat with your GP, or someone who can assist you in gathering your thoughts and planning your next steps x

[Lois1959]

How honest you have been. We can't choose who we fall in love with and despite how you were treated you can't just switch off your feelings...it would me so simple if we could.

I am pleased you are going to counselling that's a major step.

Don't worry about ranting away on here......we all know what it's like and can empathise with all the feelings you describe. x

[Hidden]

thanks for being able to say how you feel its brave , and no on deserves to be in an abusive relationship! and you should not blame yourself or try to self analyse what went on! let your counsellor help and do what I do come on here when you feel the need or just come on to talk! it has helped me enormously! I am sure it will help you as well

[Hidden]

Hi Borderline. I understand how you feel because I had to go live in a refuge to get away from my abusive ex-husband. (psychological and physical violence). I would strongly recommend that you get all the help that is available to you - even if this means having to demand treatment from your GP. (I have done this in the past because the GP seemed to be totally ignoring how I was feeling mentally and concentrating more on my physical symtoms).

It is 15 years ago now, but I will never forget the experience I went through. In those days there was no after-care when leaving a refuge (and I had to still have some kind of relationship with him because he was the father of my 4 year old son and he wanted to continue seeing him - he wasn't abusive to our son).

Eventually I ended up having a nervous breakdown and became a voluntary patient on a psychiatric ward for 6 weeks. For this reason I now do as much as I possibly can to look after my mental health. I do yoga and visit a Jacuzzi/spa, go for walks in the countryside, look after my garden - anything to try to keep myself feeling OK. I try to look for the good stuff in life however small it may be and because I'm fairly spiritual I thank God and the Universe for whatever it might be. I also ask God and the Universe for help. Sometimes the help appears almost instantly and other times it doesn't seem to come at all. But I still ask - because this gives me hope.

I am not feeling well at the moment, I am very weepy (I know the reason why, but won't go into it here). I saw my GP about it a couple of months ago and my name has now come up on the waiting list for counselling which begins next week. I have had counselling in the past for workplace stress (which I don't think helped me very much), but I am hoping the counselling I am starting next week will help me.

I am new to this website - but I find it helpful - and hope you will too.

Thinking of you.

[Gambit62]

You have been through a lot.

It can take a very long time to get someone out of your system when a relationship ends. Some people can do it easily. Others can't and I don't think that has anything to do with depression.

Counselling is very good.

Agree with others that there are issues that it would be better not to try to resolve for yourself but use the counsellor and also give yourself time. When there is so much going on you can't sort everything out at the same time - its a bit like a tangled ball of wool - if you try to do it all too quickly then the wool slaps.

Also think it is quite common to feel that death is probably the only way out - which is definitely very different from being suicidal. Back to a lot going on.

May be it would help with the counsellor to draw up a list of everything that is wrong and needs sorting and put some priorities against them - might help you feel that you don't have to worry about them yet ... that really is just a suggestion and something to talk through with your counsellor as a possibility rather than trying to start it.

Big virtual hug

[borderline61 in reply to Gambit62]

Thanks for all your kind words of encouragement and support. Today is just another day that i feel I have given into despair. I sometimes feel that I am my own worst enemy. I isolate myself cos I just can't be bothered with the effort of getting washed and dressed and putting on a I'm ok and coping mask. I feel that if that's what keeps me going then I have to do it. But it's so exhausted constantly pretending that I'm ok. Im not in counselling anymore it was only provided for a limited period. But it did help me greatly. I went and asked gp for more help from cmht but they are reluctant to refer unless you are in crisis! Why should I wait for that to happen. When I know that it is coming and i want to prevent it. That's when he gave me the sleeping tabs.

I feel that inside of me is still that 13 yrs old girl that in part hasn't grown up. It's like I crave attention. But I hate myself for it. I am actually quite aware of my problems and I seem to give the impression that i know how to overcome them and how to cope with them. Nobody ever seems to acknowledge how mentally draining it all is

I don't know if i have the energy to keep coping for another 40 years. I don't see what good has come out of the past 40. so why do more of the same

I'm just back in touch with my own daughters and I feel so ashamed and guilty for the past decade. I can do cbt and loads of other things to cope. But it all feels tgat it is not the real me. I don't know who I am. I don't have any energy to keep up the daily lie anymore. I feel trapped. If people try to make friends or offer support I just turn then away. I make excuses so that i can't meet etc. I think I'm maybe so scared of rejection and judgement that I make the break from them first. When i use my head I can see things rationally. But emotionally I think I am still a little girl, optionally i am immature, and this makes me vulnerable. I fear everything at the moment but can rationale through the day. I can coach myself. But it's very tiring. It doesn't seem worth the effort anymore. Sorry for the rambling on. Writing this on mobile as no access to pc. So not re checking what I've written. I have felt like this before. So i know it will pass. It's just the age thing. Do i have to be like this up and down all my life.? It seems such hard work to achieve very little. .

[Sherston]

The trick is, whatever gets you through the night.

I'm back to my GP next week too.

This black dog is out of control....