I am still doing most of my normal things in life but I just can't seem to care about myself at all. This sounds awful but I really envy people who are dying or dead and just wish that I could join them. Life just seems so s.... I am still smoking even though I have got COPD and I think the reason I won't stop is because I have a strong death wish. I know its killing me and I just wish it could be a lot quicker.
I have got no interest in anything or anybody and am sleeping up to 12 hours a day. I don't want to get up I just want to stay somewhere where I feel safe and I haven't got to deal with anything or anyone. I really wish I could just fade away and have done with this awful life as soon as possible. I want to change places with anyone who is terminally ill.
I'm not looking for advice or sympathy - I just want to get how I feel out in the open. I feel useless and numb and a waste of space and I just don't care. I can't clean up my home and its becoming almost unliveable. I don't care what I am wearing or whether I am clean or not. Everything is too much effort and I have no energy...just wish I could fade away quietly and on my own. Its too much effort to cook and I am living on sandwiches coz its easy.
It wont unless you see your gp you must see him, as ap and saying its emergance appointment, it sounds like the depression is going deeper. Depression is very devious, it tells you things that just are not true, theres people who love you,, eventhe depression will tell you other wise. Its like having a sneeky devil on your shoulder.Telling you all negative things,,, Tell yourself you are worth it, and you know somewhere inside you,, this is not you.!!!!
Your ill, and you need to see your doctor asap, I cant advise you strongly enough!!! if he dont listen , find another doctor that will. This isnt you,,, its the illness.
we can talk again if you like too, I have suffered sever depression myself, so I know the warning signs. take care,,, speak soon Linda
I know you and everyone else undertands Linda and thank you. I don't think my doctor can do any more but I should go I guess. I have a lovely female doctor who really listens. But I don't think she can do more than change my tablets or advise me to see a counsellor which I have done a few times. I have told her about my suicidal thoughts before though and she asks me if I have a plan. When I say no she just goes on to other options. I told her though that I don't plan it I just do it. When I am at stage of having a plan I am completely unable to see anyone about it. I don't have a plan at the moment so I can't see what can change.
Tell her that, although you dont have a plan,, you are still ill enough tobe compelled to do it, the mental health service is wrong about this assumption.!!! Its a indication of how deep the depression is going. Maybe it is the time to change the meds, as this is a indication, you tablet are not suiting your brain chemicals.
Tell her your scared,,, of what you might do!! and please listen, as from a point of veiw, its can be the one thing that does tip you over the edge,,, not listening to you. tell her this. good luck, get another appointment write this down,it will help, my thoughts with you.
Hi Hypercat
I agree with everything Linda says. I also suffer severe depression/anxiety/panic disorder & have done for 20 yrs. With help you can become normal again, whatever normal is.
Jeez I should be listening to my own advice cause I feel pretty much like you do at the moment.
I am having treatment from my Dr & am now seeing a Community Physciatric Nurse & they have changed my medication. I know once they kick into my system I will feel betted.
I can relate so much to what you are saying as I have felt the same many times.
I hope you do seek help, it will give you back a bit of life, it all takes time.
Oh no you are feeling so low. Please go talk to someone about how u feel and get help
you are just in a rut but I'm sure it will pass soon you are not all things you feel about yourself, you are important and loved so please go some help
Hi hypercat, you are very honest and I could idenify so so much with most of what you said, thats the way a lot of us feel when we are in the grip of depression. I was like that myself when I was very depressed. In bed all the time, wearing the same outfits day in day out. Eating any thing just to keep me going. You must get help immediately, please do as we
all care about you. Its so easy to get stuck in this horrible place. Go to your GP immediately and tell him or her how you are. Things will improve, and then maybe you could cope with other health issues like COPD .
In the meantime thanks for a very honest post. Big hug to you. Hannah.
Yes thats how I feel at the moment, just dont want to be awake to deal with my thoughts and feelings. this is because ive split up from my boyfriend but i was depressed a while ago with a few issues and i went to my gp and once i found the correct medication i felt much better. also you will need to mention about seeing a counsellor.
Its good to get it all down on here though. It helps me too for some weird reason.
take care of yourself x
I am touched by how many of you responded to my (self pitying) blog and the lovely comments. You are really a great bunch of people and so kind. Huge hug to all especially Hannah.
I am on ad's and have had counsellling in past. I am very aware of my own failings and know myself too well. Sometimes I wish I didn't. I know there are people who love me in their own fashion but not in the way I need. I don't have and never have had a permanent partner and never had any kids. There is something in me that can't give love or accept it and this not just the depression talking. I know this to be the case even when I am not depressed. Unfortunately it is just me and my life. I don't usually feel so sorry for myself but it hits harder when I am feeling so down.
I have suffered from vaginismus most of my life. There I have said it. I have never told anyone before except counsellors. I have been for treatment but its too hard and I don't think anything could help me now and I am 59 and feel too old and tired to change. I just want to be able to just trundle on with my life feeling relatively ok and I can then put up with my problems. When I feel like this I just want it all to end and my sad useless life overwhelms me too much for me to care about anything - least of all myself.
I have attempted suicide in the past but nothing ever changes. I last tried it when I was last working about 4 years ago because I hated my job and was put under too much pressure which just built in me and I didn't know which way to turn. I was off sick with depression and stress and they finally sacked me. Now I can't get another job but I still want to work. But I am terrified of it because of what happened last time.
I am claiming Job seekers allowance because when I claimed ESA ATOS demanded to see me after 6 weeks and there was no way I could cope with this or travel that far. So I am supposed to be looking for work and I am worried they will try and stop my benefits.
It all just seems such a struggle and I am so sick of it all.
Sorry I have gone on for far too long again. But I am feeling better getting it all out in the open so please bear with me.
Hi Bev, ah you really are going through it, but the good thing is that you have great insight into your problems, I know that might not sound much help but it is. I dont think they should stop your benefits if you are ill, Just try and take one day at a time, and don't be putting yourself down, I am 63 myself and live alone, and sometimes I feel what is it all about this life, but somehow I go on. Remember we are here for you and your sharing may help someone else, you sound like a lovely person, so take care of yourself, and I am sending you a big hug from Dublin.
hi bev hope you are feeling better. i know what its like to have severe depression. i do the same things cant be bothered to wash change clothes eat properly or do anything at all. your life isnt sad or useless it is just your depression making you feel that way.i have been feeling that way for quite a while this has been made worse by my mum dying recently and my little dog. sometimes i wonder why i should carry on but i try and think of the future. who knows what might happen. hope you get some help soon. best wishesxxxx
I agree, sometimes its good to get things of your chest, not communicating because you want sympathy or advice but just to let go of your thoughts. I have notebooks all around my house and find writing down my thoughts is a good way to work through difficult times and help get perspective. I can relate to the feelings of numbness you are experiencing and have been in a similar situation where you cant find enthusiasm or interest for anything and the thought of getting dressed in the morning takes as much effort as climbing a mountain. The feeling will pass, but speaking with hindsight I would say go and visit your GP sooner rather than later as you could do with a bit of support to help get yourself back on track. Hope to hear from you soon - take one step at a time and bit by bit your energy and strength will return.
Take care x
Thanks everyone. One of the things I really enjoyed was dog walking my sisters dog. That pleasure has been taken away from me now due to a very nasty encounter with a lunatic dog owner. I can't enjoy it and relax when I take her out now. I am too busy keeping my eyes peeled for the lunatic. And am more aware of other horrible people now. Its really shaken me up. Why whenever I find something I enjoy is it always ruined for me?
I still want out of this horrible world. And I will keep praying to leave. I have had enough.
You would leave a big Bev-shaped hole if you left, and none of us want that. You sound like such a lovely woman that's been dealt a fairly crappy hand, and it's great to see the support you've had on here; you've helped many people by being so open.
If you like walking dogs, is there any volunteering you could do, locally, to help with animals? Possibly something where there aren't mad people running around ruining your experience!! (I'm sure I speak on behalf of everyone on here when I say - how bloody exasperating...someone ruining it for you). I'm afraid I can't help with the vaginismus problem, but maybe there have been some improvements in treatments and techniques since you spoke to counsellors before? Might be worth investigating again, that weight off your mind might improve things more than you think.
bev-the same thing happened to me- i lost my job too for the same reasons but a couple of weeks ago, after a 9 month gap, i started working full time again.its not easy but am getting through it an hour at a time. i hope that you will feel better soon.x
I am very pleased you managed to get a new job poppyd. I have been out of work over 3 years now. Because I live in a seaside place most of the work here is physical and because of health problems I cannot do this. I have alway done admin and any job like that attracts 100's of applicants...
Just wanted out last night.Drank a lot of whiskey and fell asleep in a field.Left it in Gods hands.Easiest way to die you get cold but painless and peaceful.God decided I had to live.Hypothermic ..I must have called ambulance cos they found me and I am still here...for the time being.
A chap at one job said don't worry about the rights and wrongs of things. Just leave it in God's hands and he will sort it out. I am glad he sorted it out in your favour thelwell. I don't do cold but painless and peaceful sounds good.
I too am still here... same as you. Maybe we should meet up and field together?
Bev x
C'mon Bev,
You've blogged me on the COPD site for feeling just the same. I sleep in my clothes so I don't have to bother getting dressed the next morning, I wash my hair...on a really good day. Ive not had a bath or shower since last year.
My no smoking attempt lasted 10 days...I too think its a part of my death wish...so does my hubby (if you can still call him that when we've not had sex or even slept together for 7 years - we call it separated (it is) but living in the same house, no shared finances, nothing).
I can't even be bothered with the dogs so now their claws need clipping cos they've not been walked. I have stopped being asked to go out cos I never go.
We both live by the sea...most people's dream...why can't we be content?
Cos clinical depression is an illness and, like me right now, we need medical intervention. No-one would tell a diabetic that there's nothing wrong with them so why do we get messed about so much at the docs? Cos they haven't a clue what to do with us!
Promise I'm phoning MY key worker on Tuesday, please do something to help yourself cos you ARE worth it, if only so we can be miserable together! lol
(((Hugs)))
Lorraine
xxx
Thanks Lorraine...I am feeling a bit better than when I first blogged but I still want out....that feeling just won't go away I'm afraid. You have a key worker? Wow I only have a doctor.....
Would love to be miserable together. They say misery loves company lol.
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Living alone
I can't tell if this is depression or just the way I am. 
Beyond empty
Lost...
Anyone with any answers or help ?????
