On the outside looking in

[Kittykatxxxxx]

Hi

I'm 27 and I feel like I'm not really part of normal life . I feel very jealous of others that are .

I am single after an awful relationship .I am so desperate for love and my own family. But everyone I know is coupled up and not interested in single people . I'm trying online dating but I've not met anyone on it .

I live at home and mostly the only person I talk to is my mum .

I try my best to be positive but depression ALWAYS creeps in. The pattern is I get something and then I lose it ( job , friend etc.). I'm worried my life is always going to be the same . I'm trying many things, but I've got zero confidence . I've had many of my 'friends 'tell me they would hate to be single like me .

I wish I could go back and re-do everything .

Any tips to stay positive ?I am awaiting more counselling and to see my gp.

Thanks .

[sweetiepye]

Hi Kat, Are you sure you want normal? I'm not sure what that is, but it always sounds like you're settling to me You are 27, young enough to do awesome things with your life and still have the family you want.What you do during the next few years may determine how the rest of your life goes Working hard, educating yourself, making friends with people you admire and want to live like will pay off in the future. While you're busy building your life you may meet someone to share it with Be ready for that. I am not talking about being fake or pretending to be something your not. I 'm talking about making choices that will take you where you want to go. Making plans and carrying them through is how you build confidence . If someone tells you they would hate to be in your situation, they are not your friend. Friends support, help, and advise each other. Include Mom in your plans if she's interested and supportive but don't let it stop you if she's not. This is your only life. Live it for you. You will be able to give more to others if you are happy within yourself.Go for it, you have nothing to lose. Pam

[4everseeking]

Hi Kittykat,

I hear you! I'm in my mid 30s and romantic relationships have eluded me all of my life. From the outside looking in, I look like I have it all together - very active social life, car, own home, successful career, highly educated, etc. Nobody knows the daily struggles I secretly deal with. I've never been in love. I've witnessed close friends of mine effortlessly attract suitors while I can't even remember the last time I was asked out on a date. That makes me feel crummy. I'm happy for them that they get to have those experiences but at the same time, I wish I too could have those experiences as well and I feel a little jealous. Then the neverending cycle of beating myself up thinking it's because I'm not good enough, that my friends are better looking and have more sex appeal than I do, etc. I'm now experiencing a deep, painful sadness about it as if I'm super unattractive and it'll always be like this. In the grand scheme of things, I tell myself this is trivial, you've had much more difficult situations to battle through. However, I don't know if it's the hormones, pent up frustration or the combination of the two, I just know that it's an intense, real circumstance to grapple with. I am finding that it is much more common in this day and age. Many are choosing to remain single much later in life but it is challenging for those of us who have to choose by force (lack of suitable partners, career aspirations, missed or seemingly nonexistent opportunities, etc.) to remain single when we ultimately desire healthy companionship.

I'm telling you all of this to assure you that your feelings are valid and shared amongst many who are suffering in silence. Thank you for your courage in sharing your story.

[sweetiepye in reply to 4everseeking]

Dear 4 ever, There are some who would look at you and envy your life. Pleasing yourself ,making your own decisions, spending your money as you wish. Marriage is all about compromise and it seems one partner is usually stronger that the other. So someone is not always happy.. In laws and children can be a blessing or a burden. You can make an argument for either situation. Where ever you are in your relationship you should probably make the best of it, it's never going to be perfect. There are abusive exceptions which I'm not discussing here.If I were unmarried and had the where with all I might foster a young adult, or help a single parent, not necessarily with money. You can always make your life a richer experience.Stop looking and let someone find you. Pam

[4everseeking in reply to sweetiepye]

Hi Pam,

Thank you for your response. Please don't take what I'm about to say the wrong way. What I was explaining was the feeling behind not having the experience of falling in love. I too would agree that I have a good life however, that doesn't negate the feeling. Contrary to what you stated, I haven't been looking but what I have done, is look at what is the reason behind this. I spent most of my time working on my self, pursuing my education, career aspirations, enriching my social circle, enjoying family, etc. Then I realized the one area that was lacking was the romance department so as of the past year or so, I started to pay attention to that to figure out what if anything I could do to change that. Your statement is one of the reasons why I have been reluctant to share my story and it may be the same for others too. We all have different experiences and the one size fits all answers don't always apply. I already know that being married and having a relationship is not the end all be all in life. My parents are my closest friends and have been married for over 40 years. I was explaining that I desire a healthy companionship not just a relationship for the sake of having one but it has not come to pass. While some will say that I have time, I'm still young, for me it's hard to see it that way especially when you watch those around you get quality dates without effort while you're not. It's been this way up til this point. This is a real issue for some people who are climbing up the ladder age, desire a healthy partnership and are having difficulty achieving that despite how well everything else is going in their life. It can wreck one's self esteem. It's not the fact so much that a companionship is non existent, it's the effects of it that is distressing which is why I mentioned hormones. In any event, based on personal experiences, we all can take this topic and angle it in different ways but we cannot fully understand a person's point of view unless we've gone down a similar path. The point is everyone's feelings and opinions matter and are not to be dismissed as a complaint or being whiny. Thank you for listening.

[sweetiepye in reply to 4everseeking]

I apologize if I came across as critical or preachy, I probably could have read your post a little more carefully instead of making assumptions. I wonder sometimes how many actually fall in love or if they are experiencing a kind of attraction. I think love takes time and if it's real lasts longer than some of todays relationships. I wonder if we will have to change our ideas of what relationships are for. Originally for the promotion of family and society we seem to have outdone ourselves.The future may be different. Pam

[4everseeking in reply to sweetiepye]

Great observation, I too sometimes wonder about this. Perhaps unmasking this can serve as the key to helping people not to feel so bad when they are unable to attain the type of relationships they seek. I can say for myself that I don't know what being in love is like. I know what love is from a general sense because I have loved ones such as family, friends and pet. I'm considering the idea of starting an empowerment group that delves deep in these kinds of discussions and then find explore healthy coping mechanisms to work through the feelings. No matter how hard the issues are tackled, the emotion will find a way to creep in. It's getting harder and the lines more blurred in terms of what a relationship/partnership with a significant other truly is. Kittykat, i hope this conversation somehow someway is of benefit to you. My intention was not to take away from what you've brought to the table but to expand on it because it is quite common.