In two minds

[sleepyhead1991]

Hi,

I am writing on here because, like many of you, I have run out of options and people

to talk to... I'm feeling pretty trapped at the moment and as soon as I think about my

situation I either feel like crying, or I just feel dead...

I am currently in university and in a five year relationship... It's not going well and I'm

pretty sure it's all down to me and my indecisiveness... I'm struggling to figure out how

I feel about my partner, what I want out of life and all the rest. At the moment, I just feel

like giving up on everything, like I don't seem to care about anything... no matter what I do, I feel like it would be rendered pointless because eventually I'm going to die, and nothing will have mattered. I know this sounds over the top, but it's a truth I feel and often keep to myself because if I mentioned this to friends or family, they'd probably think I was being melodramatic.

Anyway, I'm stuck in a relationship that I don't think I want... I mean, I love him, he's my best friend...but I just don't seem to feel anything towards him...he loves me and wants to spend time with me, he's always doing things for me, like cooking and making gestures and I just end up getting angry with him and frustrated that he wants to spend time with me...It's weird, I think its because it makes me feel guilty for not reciprocating the feeling. And I can't stand to hurt him... I want to move out, but financially its really difficult and I have a fear of moving into a large house share as I like my own space and have certain social anxieties.

I have a lot of coursework to be doing, like dissertations etc and I'm coming into my final year in university and...I just don't want to do anything, everything seems like an impossible task and when I think about it all building up, i just shut down...

Recently, I haven't even been cleaning the house, or cooking or any work...I've been sleeping much more, I could easily sleep 14 hrs straight and then come the afternoon, I will be really tired once again. I've been drinking more and going out on the weekends and not coming back until the next morning, and this makes me a lot worse, but I seem to be craving any kind of escape I can get... Avoiding everything, home life, work life... and i just feel like, no one can help me and that I'm going to be stuck in this crappy situation forever...

If you've read this far, and can offer any advice, I would greatly appreciate it,

also I'm wondering if it's worth me seeing a GP? I'm very cynical when it comes to

talking to them about mental health...I feel as though they wouldn't see anything wrong

with me and turn me away.

Hope to hear from you,

Sleepyhead.

[Hidden]

I would definitely go see the doctor and explain to them exactly how youve been feeling. They wont turn you away and if they do then they are not fit to be a doctor. Maybe they could offer you CBT or anti-depressants to just help you get through this time.

Try to take each day at a time, daily life is already stressful enough without having to take on the future aswell. But of course i know its not that simple to just switch off. I found meditation very helpful for when im struggling to get rid of unwanted thoughts or becoming stressed. Just breathing in for 6-8 seconds(fill your lungs) and then out 6-8 seconds. This helps more oxygen get to your brain which gives you a calm feeling. Also exercise will help release serotonin a natural happy chemical,But also I know exercise is hard to get into without any motivation maybe on a day when your not feeling so bad, once you get past the first day its not so bad. And lots of fish, healthy eating really helps. Hopefully this has given you a few ideas to look at. Wish you all the best!

[Gambit62]

GP definitely.

Is there a counselling service at the university? - if so I'd definitely try contacting them as well.

Don't think what you are saying is over the top. Does sound as if you are quite depressed - references to feeling dead, numb, being unable to reciprocate affection ... and the whole pointlessness of life, dying one day and none of it mattering ...

You may find this comic strip done by a depressive trying to explain what it feels like to be depressed rings a lot of bells - was originally posted by Lunafair

hyperboleandahalf.blogspot....

[sunnyr2000]

Yep......GP first.

Meditation is good too but you will need counselling too to help you with your indecisiveness..

Not sure if you'll be needing any antidepressant because you do have an active social life.

Prioritise your studies or fill in your ECF at the earliest opportunity.

Take Care and Good luck

[Unicorns]

Hi Sleepyhead, Thankyou for posting. My first thought reading your blog, is that your situation may make you vulnerable to a reactive depression, given your long sleep pattern and general comments. For this, Anti-depressant medication is NOT the answer, the side effects would only serve to increase your possible depression as they would not identify the route cause of the problem. However anti anxiety mediation like propanalol for example would help ease your anxiety's without to many distressing side effects.

Now my main focus after reading your blog appeared to me that you may be suffering from a little known and often misunderstood issue known as Love Avoidance, please don't be alarmed by this term, the majority of people on this planet are effected by this condition in some shape or form, but they just don't know it. It is rarely highlighted as the symptoms are masked by every day life, and I have never met a GP yet who could diagnose it.

To help you identify if this is the case or not I have placed a quick check list below.

It is crucial to be honest with your self, when answering the mini test.

What are some signs that someone has a love avoidance issue?

There are a number of relational issues with anyone who has an avoidant attachment personality. Some are more problematic than others. While it is possible for those people with avoidant attachment personalities to have rewarding friendships, marriages and family relations, the love avoidant experiences severe emotional ups and downs within any romantic relationship. The emotional pain and upheaval in the love avoidant's life should not be underestimated. The following is a mini-check list I give my avoidant clients:

Do any of these statements ring true to you?

1. I grew up in a home where my role was surrogate spouse and/or "little buddy/little princess" to a parent.

2. Growing up, I sometimes felt that my job was to meet one or both parents' emotional needs.

3. I am really good at taking care of problems for other people.

4. I am the go-to guy/girll when a crisis arises.

5. I can't resist men who seem to need a "good, capable woman."

6. I can't resist helping out a "damsel in distress."

7. I enjoy the courtship process but soon feel smothered by my significant other's expectations.

8. I sometimes find myself re-entering dysfunctional relationships out of guilt and/or discomfort from being alone.

9. Once a relationship appears committed, I feel compelled to create a problem: I may have an affair, indulge in destructive behaviours, etc. just to get some "space."

10. I am conflicted in relationships because I feel threatened by relational intimacy, and yet I also can't stand to be alone.

Anyone who answers "yes" to more than three of these trait statements most likely has a love avoidance issue.

If this is you then you are NOT alone!!! There is some decent trusted literature on the web and some publications that can help with this matter. Unfortunately It is a relatively newly discovered issue that needs a lot more exposure, as does its linked co-dependant issue termed (Love Addict) possibly the opposite of you currently, but most likely a condition your Current boyfriend may be going throu un-aware just like you.

You see, Both the Love Avoidant (possibly you)? and the Love Addict (Possibly your boyfriend) are naturally drawn to one another. Often resulting in "passionate" suffocating relationships.

Its also worthy to note that its not just in relationships that the Love Aviodant Character will be evident, it can also be the case for friends colleagues, pets, family ect....

Hope this make sense and is of some help? Take Care

Unicorn.

[sleepyhead1991]

Hi,

Thank you for your response. I think the situation is definitely making things worse, but then again, when I think back to a time where I didn't feel helpless and detached, I can't really think of one. I think as I've become older and realised that I have to depend on myself, I've become more and more convinced that I cannot support myself but at the same time seem to be distancing myself from friends and family in the hopes that I won't be let down by them. I will purposely avoid jobs that involve dealing with the public, I fill my head with ideas of failure and humiliation in social situations and a lot of the time will avoid them at all costs, so I think that this is a constant thing, rather than the result of present problems.

As for the Love Avoidance, this does sound very familiar. I do feel that when I am in a secure relationship, instead of feeling secure, i feel trapped and suffocated and will 'subconsciously' create problems and lash out in the hopes that he might leave me, but at the same time i don't want him to...It's a vicious cycle, it just keeps going round and round in my head, all the possible outcomes and I just can't see a way out. I think that might be why I'm acting out, hoping that someone will make a decision for me because I can't seem to find an answer myself. I do also play the agony aunt to friends, I'm there whenever they need me, but expect nothing in return, I feel as though no one can fix my problems, so there's no point in me wasting my time or theirs.

Do you have any recommendations as to where I should go from here?

When it comes to seeking help I tend to get afraid of actually doing it,

like everything, I just retract and figure I'm overreacting and my problems

will sort themselves out... It's like I need someone to actually push me out the door.

Thanks for your time,

Sleepyhead.

[sleepyhead1991]

I just realised that this was a thread, rather than answering each person individually.

Thank you all for your responses.

I do practice meditation, but recently haven't been doing it because I lack motivation and

really struggle to switch off.

The cartoon strip made a lot of sense, I do find myself acting a lot when I'm with friends

and family so they don't worry about me. That or I just get drunk and find it takes the edge off

social situations...I know this isn't helpful and only makes things worse.

I will attempt to make an appointment with my GP, I reckon if I just don't think about it

and make the appointment, I will kind of trick myself into going. As I said before, I do tend to back out of everything and have been avoiding reality quite a bit.

Thanks again,

Sleepyhead.

[Unicorns]

Hi glad you where able to search and articulate your current feeling, what your saying appears to be an unfortunate natural reaction to what appears to be a number of questionable years for you. I would still recommend seeing your GP, the route of your current issues I believe lies in your child hood like it does with ALL of us, a quick look on Amazon revealed a book called

Attached

The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find? and Keep? Love [Paperback]

Amir Levine

Amir Levine (Author)

It appears to cover a number of issues you may be experiencing, I would HIGHLY recommend you do some reading around this subject to help clear your thought and explain your feelings. These types of self help book are worth more than their weight in Gold!!!

Facing Love Addiction by Pia Mellody is also another good book that explains both the Love addict and Love avoidant roles.

Tale care and good luck