I just don't get it: I have been trying... - Mental Health Sup...

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I just don't get it

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I have been trying to figure out my life and I just don't get it. I am a nice person, literally give you the shirt off my back type, always willing to help. So why do I get used and thrown away? I lost my husband on August 1, 2011. My 2 kids and I really never asked for any help except for my in-laws. ( Now deceased). I had a friend that was suppose to be like a sister to me, she was the one person that I thought I could count on. On December 27,2017 I had put on my late husbands Facebook that I was worried because she acted funny toward us and never called or text anymore, well she read it and we haven't talked since, I tried apologizing but to no avail. I just put my feelings down and instead of her calling and us working it out she decides to just dump a 40 year friendship. Then another so called friend, who was always borrowing money and always hinting around that she was in financial trouble, well she dumps me after being friends for 8 years. I don't know if she decided I couldn't help her enough or what. I really have no friends, it's a very lonely life. I have co- workers and we are all like family at work, but, after work everyone goes their own way. I have 2 grown kids, one is 29, he lives with me and my 87 year old daddy. My daughter lives with her fiance and his mother. She works so I don't see her much. I guess you'd have to say my best friend is truly is my dog Dusty. (English cream golden retriever) He doesn't judge me or turn his back on me. I just want to know, what's wrong with me? Why do people treat me the way they do? How can people who were suppose to be family just turn their back on you? Why did this happen to me. When my husband was alive, stuff like this never happened.

5 Replies

Hello, I am sorry for your loss it's very hard to go on alone , but you'll be able to do this as you get stronger. I know your problem because I use to be like this so don't be offended. You are a people pleaser , you'll do anything for peoples approval, The problem is the very people you help think you are a push over. They don't admire you for this. True friends don't try to take advantage. You are going to have to learn the difference. Don't loan or give money,,,when people are around you they remember their debt to you and resent you for it. It's odd I know,but it's what happens. You need to learn to say no , I would like to help you but I'm not able to at this time. It may take some time for people to realize you are not an easy touch any more . Pam

Great reply Pam. x

You are describing what my mom discovered about her life, after my dad retired & the rest of us tried to launch ourselves "out there."

Simultaneously, she had others desert her, when she needed their companionship the most...

I know this much, already: like her, you are too valuable a person to be taken lightly.

And if you were honest about your feelings, a true friend would take the time to apologize and want to discuss why you felt that way. Only a weak person would have a snit like that--you rightly pointed out their indifference, and because they got "caught out," they cut the rope with you.

Maintenance and communication are an always-thing, when it comes to your friends and loved-ones. By rights, it should be returned, in kind.

But this is usually where the animal kingdom has it all over us, in the emotional intelligence department: a being's "value" to an individual/group is never taken for granted in the wild...that sort of dedication can be life-dependent...

Hence, our pets' unconditional love for us.

I recently re-discovered this, re-reading the "Julie of the Wolves" trilogy...

In your situation, it sounds like you need a new circle of interest, just for yourself.

Is there a burning hobby that you would now like to pursue, that you couldn't before, because of family obligations? Now could be the time to re-start it. Who knows how many new friends you may discover?

Don't wait--you were aware enough to "read the signs" that were shown to you, so do this bit, for yourself!

If nothing comes to mind, straightaway, try a night course that sounds like it might be fun--or, you might want to try volunteering for people and animals.

You have a lot to offer, and this world could surely benefit from your invaluable compassion!

Hi I agree with the others. You are a people pleaser and have learnt to put others before yourself and your own needs. When you do this other people pick up on your low valuation of yourself and you attract those who will use you instead like the 'friend' who borrowed money.

You need to learn to set boundaries with others and when to put your own needs first, that way you will gain respect from them and you attract nicer people. This isn't being selfish or lead to you not being a nice person you know but is essential for your mental health. If you are not sure how to do this why not seek counselling? x

Sometimes friends come, and sometimes they go. Focus on your time with them and let it be. Do something you enjoy by yourself and be on the lookout for new friends.

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