It feels slightly strange coming back here after a few months. I blogged under the name 'Anxiety' and, at the time I was going through a bad episode of schizophrenia which confused my thoughts and probably confused a lot of readers on this website. I find all of this really hard to talk about because people often assume that most schizophrenics have done drugs or taken things that alter brain chemistry, and I want to emphasise that I am not one of those people.
I find myself here again feeling incredibly teary and emotional and I have felt like this for months. Since January came to a close I have been taking risperidone which is an anti psychotic medication. It makes me feel lethargic and completely dead inside. I believe that it has amplified my feelings and made me feel different as an individual. I've never really spoken about myself on these blogs so I might as well start here. I'm twenty one, female, introverted, and I am a master's degree student in English literature. I belong to quite a large family but I live with my mum and sister. I work four hours on a Saturday as a receptionist. Currently I have to cover for the receptionists who are taking holiday time.
To come to the title of my blog I have had amplified suicidal thoughts and general feelings of worthlessness. I think there are many reasons for my mindset but I can't list them all. I feel like I cannot finish my dissertation for the masters degree. I feel like I have no career that I want to follow. I have lost confidence in my ability to vocally string a sentence together, and this is probably because of the schizophrenia: I sometimes cannot think of the word I want to articulate. I have done and said a lot of embarrassing things during psychosis which haunt me to this very day. I have a vociferous younger sister who has ocd and is so argumentative that I sometimes want to kill myself. I have a kind hearted mum who can no longer offer solutions to my problems and cannot intervene in the madness that ensues in our home. And my introversion and shyness leads me to believe that I will always be worthless no matter what I do: I feel that I am not worthy of any career. The careers that I deserve I don't have the confidence to pursue.
I know that there are no answers to the many problems that I have described. I will be sitting in my room sighing because the dissertation is too much for me...I will be thinking about dropping out. And the word suicide pops into my head uninvited. Sometimes I cry alone like right now because no one can possibly know how difficult it has been. The word suicide pops into my head so often now that it's becoming my main preoccupation. I try to fight against the word and it remains there. I don't want to become a benefits claimant or a scrounger but my lethargy is stopping me and my lack of confidence is stopping me from saying 'ok I'll at least have a go and see what happens'. So this time round I fear that I have both depression and schizophrenia. And I don't know any more. I'm absolutely sick of this life.