Sexual Health : Hello. I hope it is OK... - Men's Health Forum

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Sexual Health

sjohns67 profile image

Hello. I hope it is OK for a woman to be a part of your forum. I need some male advice or the perspective of a man and I do not have any in my life I can speak to. I hope you can allow me to ask this one time.

My long term partner says he is sexually attracted to me but does not want to have sex with me. He said he just prefers masturbation and feels the whole having sex with your partner thing is not necessary. He says he has an embarrassing history with erectile dysfunction in the past with other women and this has lead to him now feeling embarrassed and scarred and for this reason he does not want to have sex. He says he loves me and wants to get married.

I don't believe him. I think if a man is in love with you or "into you" he is going to try and have sex with you anyway, irregardless of what the outcome would be. I think at least he would try. I think men who are sexually attracted to women want to have sex with them.

We have been together for 4 years. We had a lot of sex for the first 6 months of our relationship and now we have none.

Could you give me your opinion? I truly think we are just good friends, who stay together because it is comfortable and easy and there is no one else we like better around at the moment. I am worried that he will meet someone in the future who gets his hormones going and run off for sex with them. I do not think it is normal for a guy who says he loves you to then say he does not want to be intimate with you.? He has been saying no for 3 years now.

19 Replies

Leaning towards calling him out on bs.

One can go into the many reasons of why he is exhibiting this type of behavior, but I'd say that isn't important.

What you have at the moment is a relationship that no longer brings fulfillment.

You have to make a choice; is the present state something you can live with. Or do you want a 'normal' relationship.

Breakups are very very painful and I would take 10 of those over a toxic relationship any day.

What do you want?

I think women can also be members, we can know their feelings using circumcised or uncircumcised penis

Dare I suggest that he may have doubts as to his sexuality? Could he be bi or possibly gay and trying to come to terms with this privately?

This is not a god basis for marriage. I think you need to sit down and talk together, away from the bedroom. If it is not something he can discuss with you and find a way through then I am afraid you may need to say goodbye.

Good luck

This is not a male dominated forum just male orientated and I can understand why women would find it interesting.

You have to call him out on his emotional state, for a while after my circumcision masturbation was better and easier than full on sex and it was an emotional thing with me, my wife of many years was very understanding and has helped me through this not making it a big issue but understanding why and finding out what now works to rock my boat metaphorically speaking of course so he may have an emotional issue attached to previous relationships but is now comfortable enough with you for it not to be an issue in his mind, being an issue in yours he has to let you in an be honest and talk it out.

I don’t think he has ED Problem at all. Question is the same how come would he masterbate if he has ED problems. It’s the romances that is missing.

You both need to spice it up, find a way by sitting down together, not going into fight. Try to make him jealous by saying other people’s interest on you or talk about other males Male stuff. May be you touch his penis. Do something erotic. Pretend watching porn and talk about Male porn star’s body, manhoods, and you fancy them etc. I am sure he will soon wake up.

Breaking relationship is easy but finding a right guy is very hard. You might not find everything what you got from him in other guy. So try to stick with him but make him really jealous. It works lots of times.

Good luck. Keep updating us and never be embarrassed posting here at all. It’s for everyone, male female everyone do visit here and share their thoughts. So can you do.

You can even PM anyone in the forum who you feel comfortable with.

Sorry - have to agree with others , its bollocks, if he can materbate he can have sex

jaglad profile image
jaglad in reply to mark32

Sorry I have to disagree. Staying hard through masturbation can be easier than when having sex.

Since my Circumcision I sometimes lose my hard on when having sex. That never happens when masturbating, until I stop that is !

I think this sounds like a deeper psychosexual issue. It may cause problems in the future if for instance you would wish to conceive. men with ED or premature ejaculation often enter into "patterns of avoidance " to avoid the embarrassment of erection or ejaculation issues during sex. ironically that can sometimes be with a regular partner, and if they have other sexual contacts it can be ok. Like a variant form of performance anxiety. I think you need to look at your long term life and relationship goals and whether a platonic relationship would satisfy you. If not, this issue needs dealt with , through a specialist psychosexual therapist. They exist on the NHS , often through sexual health clinics, but you may face a waiting list of months. If your partner wishes to marry you, and the current situation is a problem for you, then I think he would hopefully agree to seeking help together as a couple to rectify the situation. He may need to see someone individually to assist with his ED . He didn't have these issues at the start of your relationship, so something changed, and this points to a psychosexual cause, rather than organic ED.

All relationships are different as are all people. Platonic relationships are not that uncommon. It is also not always the man in a relationship who would prefer that! Men are known to deal with it by masturbation (solo or with one or more mates), MSM or indeed women outside the relationship. The latter, if the man is in an otherwise loving relationship, can bring a guilt trip that is not so for the other two examples.

I agree with others that there needs to be honesty where you can each talk about your own needs to see how the relationship can accommodate them. If the relationship cannot then you should each consider moving on or living as housemates.

Someone else has already mentioned a talking therapy that will enable you both to be honest with each other. nhs.uk/Service-Search/Relat...

Lots of good responses.

I will state this, he has clearly stated the terms of his involvement in the relationship. For three years now you have said, his behavior is consistent. I cannot that any amount of talk is going make a difference. Thinking of ways to solve this is not making sense. Why? Because you have expressed your needs. And now some form of effort or action needs to come from him now. One person alone can't fix an un fulfilling relationship.

You can't worry nor think about who he will be with if not with you. Rather than trying to fix someone, as noble as the idea is, take action to fulfill your needs. Remember you can't fix someone who doesn't believe they need fixing. He is quite happy to stay the way he is.

Your choice is clear. Continue living as you are, or move on in search of a fulfilling relationship.

Great to have a woman on this forum. Afterall it affects them too. The more the merrier. As for your problem, obviously it's not a communication problem but I think that your partner is questioning his sexuality. If you sexually desire your partner you don't abstain if they are willing. The ED excuse is just that, an excuse, there are a medical treatments. I think you have one last open discussion with your partner and if this doesn't resolve the issue then you are better off and deserve someone who'll commit to you fully.

Thank you everyone for your kindness and considered responses. They have got me thinking about what i need and want. you have shed some light and given me some direction. Many Thanks, Sarah

Hello, two people can love each other but can not be sexually compatible.

He needs to come in terms with his sexuality, you both can enjoy what each other like with the freedom without judging one an other sexually.

Hello sjohns67, you story is a little bit scary and unassuming.!. I think sex or rather love making as I like to put it , plays a vital role in a relationship. It like a fuel that kindle the fire of affection. If your partner prefers masturbating, then he is psychological imbalance and he needs counselling. My honest advice is for you to discuss it with him and let him know that you want to have sex. At least he did have great sex in the first six months of your relationship.

Could be his history of ED that is the cause. As a man it is always the case if I fancy a woman I would want to have sex with her as often as possible not just be a friend . If he really can't get an erection then he could still give you oral or masturbate you - hope you get back on track

Immediately seek sex counseling for the both of you. If he cares to remedy the situation, he’ll get counseling. If he doesn’t, get yourself some counseling and move on from this relationship. Don’t waste precious time. Sometimes the biggest lie we tell ourselves is that time will remedy the situation.

What’s odd is that he says he’s sexually attracted to you but doesn’t want sex with you. One of the most powerful desires for men, if not THE most powerful, is the desire to have sex. It’s very possible he’s gay but struggling with the reality.

Save yourself long term heartache and get help. Don’t kid yourself about this relationship no matter how much in love you are.

The best to you.

Sex isn’t everything in a relationship but you need to be having an honest conversation as this will eat away at you otherwise.

He may be asexual, only masturbating when necessary. He may fear intimacy because of a mental issue. There could be a multitude of reasons. It could be he was only performing his duty out of some feeling of obligation when your relationship started. My thoughts are that you need to investigate together:-

1) his sexuality. Is he attracted to women

2) is he addicted to pornography which takes away the desire for intimacy in the real world? It’s a growing problem

3) does he have deep seated insecurities about not being able to perform? Viagra is easily obtained these days. Would he like to try it?

4) are you too pushy? Does he feel obliged, so he shies away?

5) are you willing to put up with the status quo or not?

6) do you really love each other, or are you just codependent?

Hello all,

I am in the same situation. I mean I am 30 years old men and I have tried a few times to have sex with women. I just cannot pull down my underwear. My first time was when I've been 13/14 years old and I couldn't cum then. I had 2 years relationship as well and the girl had enough of this to not have sex with me. I get hard as a rock and I used to masturbate for 3 or 4 hours and cum 4/5 times per night. I cannot get myself naked in front of other peoples. I spoke with my older brother and we work together on this to resolve this. If I hear or understand that somewhere around me someone has sex or I know that I get so nervous and I start to shake, I cannot breathe normally and I just want to go far away. I tried with one bitch as well and I couldn't do it as well. It is not about who I will be with or where I just can't. I don't want to try with other girls now until I find out what is going on with me. I am not sure that when I try again would my penis will erect and I will enjoy the sex with that girl or I will get nervous again. I can say that I am not Bi or gay as I like girls. Most of the time I do not feel needs to have sex and maybe because I do not know what it was the feeling. Masturbation is not enough for me and I want more and more.

Dear sjohns67 could you share what's happened with you and or partner.

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