Recently diagnosed and I don't know where to start

[Tobiascucina]

Hi everyone, I was recently diagnosed with moderate MDD. I've been feeling like this for quite some time but it has gotten so much worse in recent years that I barely function on a day-to-day basis. Looking from the outside, people won't know what is going on - I appear as highly functioning because I naturally have a bubbly personality and people like me in general. But I struggle so much at home.

The interesting thing is that I don't actually feel sad all the time. I feel sad at appropriate times (and sometimes inappropriate), but a bigger problem for me is the feeling of indifference for a lot of my former interests. I find it hard to make myself get excited or interested about anything.

I've been through a lot of things in my life, death of loved ones, betrayal, but my family situation right now is good. Me and my husband are finally at the same page, I have a wonderful 6 year old daughter and I'm currently pregnant again, just 6 weeks in. But I'm scared for my daughter, i'm scared for my unborn child, and I'm scared for myself. I hate myself, I hate how I don't take care of myself and I barely care for my daughter and I feel extremely guilty about that. She spends so much time in front of a screen. I forget to tell her to wash her teeth, wash herself, we go to bed late, I barely cook, I bathe her like once a week.

I'm even worse when it comes to taking care of myself. I rarely bathe (For example, the last time I took a shower was on February 28, today is March 11, so 11 days). I just use a dry shampoo for my hair constantly and it appears fine, but it's gross if you touch it. I have anemia, I had it before I was pregnant and now it's even more important to take iron supplements, but I keep forgetting to take the supplements. My apartment is a mess, I rarely have guests over because I'm ashamed of the condition of my apartment.

I have a part time work where i would work like 3 to 5 days a week for a few hours, ranging from couple of hours a day up to maybe 6 hours. Usually it's about 50 hours of work in total for the whole month. I have a great idea for a business and I'm well educated and smart, but I can't make myself work on my ideas. I'm even late with projects for my part-time work.

I constantly forget things, appointments, I misplace things, I can't organize my home or my life for that matter. I have so many bills that are overdue (not because we lack money, but because I just constantly either forget, or I just feel overwhelmed and can't "deal with that".)I eat very unhealthy, I smoke (and I want to quit because I'm pregnant but it's so hard). I eat snacks constantly and spend an unhealthy amount of time in front of a screen watching tv shows. I don't even enjoy it, it's just something that's so easy to do. It's like I don't have the strength or the energy to do anything else. It's like the energy is sucked right out of me and doing basic activities tire me and make me feel exhausted.

I went to a psychiatrist like a couple of months ago and I was diagnosed with depression. But I'm pregnant so I can't start taking antidepressants now. I have to find a way to deal with this another way. Unfortunately, we don't have a lot of good therapists to help me through this in the country where I live in. And online therapy is so expensive for our standard of living. Don't get me wrong, we can live comfortably in our country because we make more then enough for our standard of living, but it's not enough for other countries, including online therapy. For example, a therapy session here can cost like 20 euros, and the high end expensive ones would be around 50 euros. Online therapy is at least 70 euros and that's for not so highly esteemed therapists. So I'm really stuck.

I have to find a way to get out of this condition. It's like a vicious circle that I can't get out of. And I know what I'm supposed to do - eat healthy, exercise, less screen time. Every night I say to myself I'm going to start tomorrow, and every morning I forget/feel tired/don't have the will to do it. It's soul crushing. It's so overwhelming.

Please guys, what can I do to help myself? I know everyone is different but some specific advice might do me some good. It just feels so overwhelming trying to change all at once, so probably some small steps would be helpful. Those of you who are doing better, how did the road to recovery start for you? What did you do? What were the first steps?

I'm honestly surprised that my condition is moderate. If this is moderate depression, I really feel for people who have severe depression.

[blackcat64013]

Hi and welcome to your forum. We are a community of lived experiences with so much information to share.Personally, I believe in Alain De Botton's motto "recovery can start the moment we admit we longer have a clue how to cope." I think you are at this point.

For me, sitting down and making a daily plan in half hour blocks, from the moment I wake ⏰ up bed 🛌 time.

The plan starts with meals and then you add a few things to take care of every day. Because I am unwell I must schedule in time off to relax and recharge in the morning & afternoon. Having a drink of water before starting next activity helps meet the 8 glasses a day to stay hydrated.

On Sunday nights I look forward to the week ahead, appointments etc and put them down in a weekly planner. I take a few tablets so I restock my pill box.

I realise these are small things but an unwell mind can only cope with so much. If you can get started, you can report in here on your progress. Having a routine helps my 🧠 brain stay on track.

For extra information...

1. If you have access to a public library, you will find many useful books in the health and wellbeing section.

2. The School of Life is an organisation devoted to emotional well-being. See more at theschooloflife.com

3. There are You Tubes and podcasts which you can listen to for relaxation and information.

That's probably enough for now.

Talk again soon