I'm convinced I'm a failure at life. I don't know what to do anymore.

[TattooedDogMom]

I have been dealing with MDD since I was 19, but for the most part, I considered myself "high functioning." I describe my depressive episodes like getting hit by a Mac truck because it comes on head on and awful. I had a strong support system that helped keep me going. But in 2020, my mom passed away from cancer, and I feel like I died with her. Ever since, I haven't been able to hold down a job for more than a few months. I get so burnt out and leave for my mental health. And then I found a job I thought I could thrive in last year, but I had a toxic supervisor who bullied me and essentially pushed me out. My mom was always my anchor that kept me from acting on my suicidal thoughts, but as the years go by, it just feels much harder and unbearable. I feel like I'm burnt out in general from my field, and at 40, I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I don't feel like I have any purpose. I have a Master's degree, but I have nothing to show for it. I'll be broke if I don't find a job within a few months and the catch 22 is I'm so depressed, I'm not sure if I can work. I have very few friends, and only 1 that I can be open about my mental health struggles. I have added guilt from being so depressed, I feel like it's affecting my dog. Fortunately, I have a yard, so he likes to spend time outside, but I have had no motivation to walk him (It's also been a very hot summer and still have 100+ weather currently). When I'm depressed, my social anxiety is through the roof, so that doesn't help either. Lately I've been thinking it's not if the depression is going to win, but When 😔

[gajh]

Hello and Welcome. I am glad you have joined us. There is a lot of support available here.

[QCuriosa]

Hi I am sorry you are feeling so low. Depression is terrible but it doesn’t have to define you. There’s more to you than your depressed mood. The thing is you must try to not feel guilty because as I know and you know this is a mental health disorder and you did not choose to feel this way.

Could you try a part time job? Do you see a therapist or psychiatrist?

I also live in very hot weather. Vegas . Wherabouts are you?

[TattooedDogMom in reply to QCuriosa]

I am currently seeing a therapist who has been helpful. I'm near Sacramento, CA

[QCuriosa in reply to TattooedDogMom]

That is great. It’s so important to have that support .

[Taisha]

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I’m curious, were you ever diagnosed with ADD? I was and still am being treated for MDD ( for over 30 years), but I happened to move and switch insurances 20 years ago and saw a new Psychiatrist. He diagnosed me with ADHD and said he didn’t feel I actually had MDD. I love my ADD meds, they have made all the difference in my daily life and career. I’m currently trying to wean off my antidepressant.. which I’ve tried to do throughout the years. But as I’m currently moving into an independent contractor role in my career I felt it was a good time to try to wean off the Effexor.

Hang in there and I hope you find a job you at least like going to soon.

[TattooedDogMom in reply to Taisha]

Thank you! You know, I've been doing a lot of research into ADHD, and I definitely think I have it. I have yet to find a psychiatrist who's willing to assess me for it. There is a lot of overlap with mood disorders with ADHD, and I think I may have both. I'm considered "treatment resistant" since I've had little luck with medications working and when they do, they usually poop out before a year. I weaned off Pristiq back in May because it wasn't doing anything for me, and I was just tired of going through cycles of various medications without working.