Does Anyone Else ...

[Beaujie]

... find nighttime to be the hardest? Feels like all the day's worries come crashing in, and for me, they lend themselves to the next day's continuing black hole of depression. And as that hole grows larger, it seems ever-less possible that I'm going to climb out and find the light.

Ironic that I sit here, typing this ramble, in the middle of the night and amidst a fluctuating internet connection - it's as though even my wifi doesn't want me to vent anything out. But I figure that as long as I'm stuck awake and turning thoughts over endlessly in my head, I might as well communicate to someone, anyone, while I'm doing so.

Today was a day of regret over the loss of times past. Memories are cherished, but they don't fill the void I feel inside. Some of them are so vivid, and others, not so much. I don't know why (or how) my brain decides that certain images of past happiness are more important to highlight in my thoughts than others. I know that plenty of people far smarter than myself could explain this to me.

I learned recently to hold my fondest memories closely, because they can be gone in an instant. I know about memory loss, but I haven't - and really still don't - understand it. I underwent ECT recently - I think I had nine treatments before I called it quits. Since then, there are just entire swaths of time, in my brain, that are blank. Gone. I can't remember an entire week-long vacation I recently took with my family. They tell me about it, but I can't remember being in those moments. Seeing photos of it helps, for sure, but I can't take myself back there like I could before. That feels like a real loss to me. I mean, it IS a real loss. Doc says it may be months before those memories fill themselves back in, if they are going to, at all. I know some people find awesome success with ECT, but for me it was a nightmare.

Maybe my brain benefitted in some way from those induced seizures, but at the cost of losing parts of who I am - my personhood. I don't think that's a price I'd be willing to pay, looking back with the benefit of hindsight.

If anyone else has experience with ECT for treating MDD I'd love to know how yours went, if you're up for sharing.

For what it's worth, and on the bright side, Esketamine was actually very helpful and a lot of fun.

Hoping everyone has a restful evening and night,

-B

[gajh]

I am glad you are here sharing. I have not had ECT. I did have Esketamine and I did not notice any benefits from it. Wishing you a good night.

[Beaujie in reply to gajh]

Thanks so much, gajh. It's a pleasure to chat with you, as well. Did the Esketemine take you away to sort of another state of mind while you were in the office for an hour or so, or did that not happen for you, either? I didn't have any extended benefit, that I know of, when I left the doctor's office, but during the "trips" I felt like I gained a deeper understanding of things; I thought about ideas and life in ways I wouldn't have been able to without the medication. It sounds like this didn't happen for you?

Wishing you an amazing day.

[gajh in reply to Beaujie]

Did you have a therapist talking to you while you were under the influence of Esketemine? I did not. I was just administered it and left on my own. They did check in to check my blood pressure. All I remember is I totally disconnected from my body. I didn't know I had a body. I was just there floating. I was definitely out of it, but I didn't experience anything like deeper understands or anything like that. Supposedly it is supposed to give you lasting benefits not just while you are under the influence. Were you able to retain any of your deeper understands or did they leave you when it wore off? I did TMS Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation right after that. Have you done that?

[Beaujie in reply to gajh]

Gajh,

No, I didn't talk to anyone when I got the treatments. They would be in there for the administration, but afterwards I would put an eye cover and earbuds in and turn on a playlist I curated specifically for Esketamine, and then I would just realize I felt like I was drifting away into the ether somewhere where here are now worries, doubts, or strife. I also realize, though, that for some people it is apparently the opposite - the scary and awful thoughts all gain more momentum and block out the calming ones. I can't imagine if that had been the case for me. I can tell youI would've only done one treatment though, that's for sure! Exactly ...my body was gone; I felt like a floating head - or not even a head sometimes - just a stream of consciousness and that was it. I actually loved the sensation. I know they checked my BP at times, but I didn't even notice when they were doing that, I was so far gone. I wish the effects would have lasted longer than just when I was in the treatment room, but I was a normal person by the time I walked out of there, if not a little tired and maybe needing a nap. I did remember the deeper understandings that came to me, but I also realized that, to someone in a bad place and not open to more optimistic thoughts, it wouldn't necessarily be the best thing to try to strike up a conversation about it - it might make them feel worse, even.

How was TMS for you? Did you have any problem with memory loss? No, I have only done ECT and Esketamine. You saw up above how ECT went for me - I still don't remember so many things, and to be honest it's embarrassing but I feel like I'm dumber or slower processing ... something is different in my mental capacity after ECT, and not for the better. I'd love to hear more about TMS when you have the time...

-B

[gajh in reply to Beaujie]

TMS is noninvasive. No memory loss. I am surprised they didn't have you try TMS before ECT. TMS is 5 days a week for 6 weeks. Having to go for treatment got me used to getting up and leaving the house, which I wasn't doing before. I had short term improvements in my behavior but not in how I felt. I had some success with LENS Neurofeedback. LENS stands for Low Energy Neurofeedback System. It is different from traditional Neurofeedback in that it introduces a low current into your brain rather than just reads your brain waves. It helped most with anticipatory anxiety and leaving the house. Didn't do much for the depression. Did make a difference in my life.

[Beaujie in reply to gajh]

Yeah, I'm equally surprised I didn't get referred for that - but whether this is true or not, my doctor told me TMS is not considered to be as effective as ECT. Of course, I didn't go off and do my own research like I should have, so I don't know - he could have just been telling me his personal opinion, for all I know. He didn't mention I would be braindead by the time it was over with, either, so there's that, lol.

When you say it's non-invasive are you referring to them not having to use anesthesia each time and give you IVs, etc.? That wasn't fun either. Honestly, I don't think I could have done the five days a week because I would have become exhausted! Did you think that beforehand? The part about getting into a routine though - definitely something I could benefit from when I have some more actual energy. As it stands now, I feel like just doing the chores is all-consuming.

I'm really glad LENS made a positive difference in your life, even if it wasn't on the overall depression. Is LENS a type of TMS, or something totally separate?

-B

[Rufus07]

The days are hardest for me cause I just sit here thinking…worrying about everything. I don’t work, have no goals or hobbies, no motivation to do anything. For the most part I can sleep at night, so I wake in the morning and my first thought is I can’t wait to go to sleep. As far as the ECT goes, I have no experience.

[Beaujie in reply to Rufus07]

Rufus,

Thanks for replying. I'm not going to sit here and say I know what you're feeling, because I'm not you - but I know the general feeling when the worry all hits you at the same time and you don't see any way forward or know any way to end the pain. It's basically unbearable and if people haven't experienced it, then they have no clue at all. But I want to make sure you know I see and hear you, and I'm HERE for you, friend. Are you pretty much all alone as well, like I am? The solitude is crushing to me, also. And knowing that I'm not alone because I chose to be, but because my conditions right now won't allow me to reach out to anyone. Well, besides my health care providers, who I feel are currently only good for so much. I hope this day gives you something, even small, to smile at. Like, for me, my cat just fell off the bed. He's fine, but I did manage a laugh. Take care, brother.

-B

[Rufus07 in reply to Beaujie]

I woke this morning and again, like everyday, I can’t wait to go to bed tonight. I have anxiety thinking about the things that need to be done around the house that I probably won’t be able to do. I’m alone until about 330ish. That’s when sig. other gets home from work. I know he understands what I go through, but I still think he feels like I’m lazy cause I don’t do much around here. I can barely get out of bed let alone properly take care of a house. Im still debating on whether to get back into therapy. All I have now is my med review doctor who has given up on me. ( his words basically). All he tells me is to go back to therapy. It has never really helped me in the 30 + years I’ve tried. I hate being put on the spot when people ask me questions that I usually can’t answer. So with therapy requiring talking, it really doesn’t help. Group therapy has been suggested too, but I have social anxiety and the thought of all those people staring at me drives me insane.

Enough of my sad story, how are you doing ? Ok for the most part?

[Beaujie in reply to Rufus07]

First off, I'm super glad you woke up this morning, and that we've been able to chat. Second, I cannot begin to tell you how much I relate to feeling helpless with things around the house and feeling like I'm being resented for my condition(s) and the limitations they impose on me. Because of my challenges right now I live with my parents, and I know how lucky I am to be able to have a roof over my head and two people who (more or less) support me. I mean, whether or not they believe me when we do sit down and I talk to them about what I'm going through, or not, they still help me stay alive in terms of living arrangements while I try to figure some of this stuff out. But as far as being able to do stuff around the house or not - my friend, I DEFINITELY struggle with this on the daily, and I'm right there with you. For me, I don't feel like I'm pulling my weight around the house, and each day after I get about two chores completed, I feel like I've just won a 4K marathon or something. And for me that's a legitimate feeling of accomplishment, even if someone else would laugh at it. The rest of the day consists of me trying to keep my emotions in check, deal with the fact that my parents are aging what seems like rapidly, and basically get ready to lay back down in bed again, similar to you.

Right now I'm feeling terrible that I haven't been able to keep up with cleanliness in the bathroom or in my bedroom. Dust is piling up, some little, minor things need fixed, I need to clean the bathroom, and I have no ability or interest in any of it; it can just sit there, for all I care, because I can't find the energy. Like, talking with you and a few others on here is the most energy I will expend today, and to me this has been a productive and well-spent day. I hope this sums up how I'm doing, in some part. I feel exhausted, angry, incredibly sad, and unsure of what is going to happen next. And that's a terrible feeling(s). But now I've already found at least one person who gets it, and who I get, in you. So, that is an improvement, for sure.

-B

[Rufus07 in reply to Beaujie]

It sounds like our days and feelings about chores and other things are exactly the same. I have dishes to do (no dishwasher) and it’s going to take everything I have to get them done if it even happens. I’m glad you have parents that understand. That is so helpful. Mine do also but are at a loss( just like sig other) as for what to do to help me. I don’t even know. I just feel like this is going to be my life forever. I know I need to help myself, but I don’t know how. I’ve never been one to pretend I’m ok….i can’t do that. My true feelings always come out. I truly appreciate talking to you. It does help. This site is about the only thing I look forward to everyday. I hope you have the best day possible.

Michelle

[Beaujie in reply to Rufus07]

Absolutely understand about the dishes, brother. And it's not even like I have energy to do things that are considered "fun," either. I just am blanketed by deep depression and I literally don't want to move. I do understand that that's gotta be tough for people who aren't suffering with this kind of thing to relate to - I get that. That's why I do feel grateful for the ones in my life who have extended a helping hand. I think you probably agree with that, right? They don't know how to help, but if I tell them there is something in particular that my doc thinks will possibly help me, then they support it all the way, or to the extent they can.

I'm told by others here on this site that if I keep thinking like this is going to be "forever," then it will be, but that if I allow myself to gradually accept that there might be another outcome for me, and then put myself out there long enough to see proof that this might be true (sounds exhausting, lol), that I just might find another reality for myself - a more positive, happier one. I don't know why they think I have the motivation to try these things out, but they still tell me, regardless.

That's like telling someone with a broken leg that they just get up and move around on their own a little then maybe they'll find it will eventually heal and they will be able to walk normally again. That is absurd, as said person needs to stay in bed and under doctor's care until they are ready to start walking again - otherwise they risk re-breaking something or complicating their initial injury. I dunno ... I just think that since our illnesses are invisible except through our own behaviors or decision-making, that they are inadvertently ignored. And that part fillllllllllls me with all kinds of rage. I'm so tired of being treated like I should just get up and "do the things" like everything is completely fine and no barriers even exist. It's absurd and belittling to be treated like that all the time. It's also incredibly short-sighted and not well-thought out by the people saying it, either. I wish they could hear themselves.

Sorry for my rant there. I didn't see that one coming.

I'm about to go try and do some dishes and scoop the litter box for the cat. After that, I'm probably gonna check this site again and then promptly faceplant back in my bed, where I feel safe and protected.

[Rufus07]

Get a grip….shake it off….get yourself together. The famous words of those who don’t experience depression. I’m pretty sick of hearing it.

I should go to. Thanks for reminding me to scoop the cat litter lol. I’m going to try to do the dishes too…all in my bathrobe lol. Try to have a good enough day and maybe we’ll chat later.

Michelle

[Beaujie in reply to Rufus07]

Michelle,

First, my apologies for assuming you are a man just by (I guess?) your handle? So dumb of me. Unless, of course, you ARE a guy and your name is Michelle. Let me stop while I'm ahead, lol.

Yep - the famous words and phrases ... makes my head hurt just thinking about how exhausting they are. They translate to "I don't understand anything about what's going on in your head or in your life." But hey - what're we gonna do, right? Guess we should shake it off lmao.

Let me know how you did in your chore expedition today; I'm glad you're rocking your robe all the way! I managed the cat litter and dishes in my sweats, but I had a few too many beers last night, and so I've been discombobulated today and that's all I'm gonna get done - and that's perfectly okay. I guess in some ways it's good I haven't procreated .... I have nobody depending on me!

Hope we chat soon,

-B

[Rufus07 in reply to Beaujie]

I hate when I’m writing and it just freezes and goes away! So frustrating. So all I wrote is gone before I could send it.

I did get the litter changed and half of the dishes done yesterday. I have to do the other half and take my dog to the vet today. That’s it. I’m having a bad morning, can’t get the crying to stop….again. Had several dreams last night. One of which was quite disturbing. I could fly, but not quite high enough. My body and mind is feeling very out of wack today. I just want to go back to sleep. Dreamless sleep!

My wish for me is to come on this site one day and write something positive, something happy that is going on in my life. I just feel like a Debbie downer all the time.

And don’t worry about the name confusion. Honest mistake 🙂

I hope your day is going well

[Beaujie in reply to Rufus07]

First, you're not a "Debbie Downer," although I know why you feel like it because it can seem we just come on here and complain. But I want you to know that you've already helped me to make some adjustments to how I view myself and how I approach the day in my mindset, so you are HELPING! If you've done that for me, I have no doubt you've done it for others without even knowing it.

Sorry to hear about your dreaming ... that's not good and that always stinks because of course there's not too much we can do to predict or change what our brain feeds us at night! Ugh. I have to believe there's some rhyme or reason for our nighttime visions, lol.

Sounds like you got MORE than enough accomplished yesterday. You made it out of the house, which is not something I can say, I know that much.

With the crying - do you have any idea what the source might be, or is it more of a reflex to a bunch of things? If I were there I'd have a big hug for you. It'd help us both for sure.

-B

[Rufus07 in reply to Beaujie]

I’m glad that I have helped you in some way. What that way is I can’t imagine. I can’t even help myself how can I help others? Just my way of thinking.

I haven’t made it out of the house yet. That’s today in an hour. I think it will be ok. I’m not feeling anxious….the vet is a small business so I don’t feel overwhelmed. Just shots for the dog…easy in and out. I hope🤞

The crying just comes out of nowhere. I don’t even have to be thinking about anything. It comes and goes pretty much all day long. It stinks😞.

[Beaujie in reply to Rufus07]

In a selfish way, I wish I could cry whenever I wanted because I'm the opposite of you right now - as much as I want to just let my face open up and have the tears crash down, I can't. It's like my emotional on/off switch is stuck in ON all the time, but at the same time my physical response to any of it is jammed in the OFF position. I need them both to be on long enough for me to be able to let some of this out of my system.

I don't really know if your tears are the same kind of tears as mine are, meaning the place where they're coming from, but either way, we're two people clearly in great pain. And that shouldn't ever be discounted for any reason.

I'm so glad for you and pups getting out of the house and getting those shots, although pups might not be as excited for them lol. What kind of doggy do you have?

You help me by being present here with me. That's all it takes.

-B

[Rufus07 in reply to Beaujie]

From the time I left the house, got to the vet and he got the shot and the exam and got home….30 minutes exactly. And $160. My vet is right around the corner. He loves the vet. He’s a Boston terrier and he’s my baby at 7 years old

[Beaujie in reply to Rufus07]

Awe, I love that! May I ask, are you able to work? I'm on disability at the moment, but that will be ending soon and I'm wondering how someone with similar issues to mine, at least in some ways, is able to support yourself?

-B

[Rufus07 in reply to Beaujie]

I am on disability. Have been for 2 1/2 years. How long have you been on it? Did they give you a time frame for being on it? Did they do a review and decide you were “better”? If or when they take mine away, I’ll have to go back to work. God knows how that is going to happen. I’m too young for social security so I’ll have no choice

[Csansun]

I know what it's like not to be able to sleep it is 3 am now and I am fully awake.I know what it's like to FORGET chunks of your life. I also had ETC treatment and it cleared my depression up immediately. I would do it again BECAUSE being in that deep hole of depression felt like the worse thing in the world.

[Beaujie]

Csansun,

Excellent - someone I can relate to with the insomnia! Thanks for reaching out. I'm so glad the ECT was successful! How many treatments did it take, and was it the ECT that made you forget? Sorry don't feel like you have to share I know those details are personal...

-Beaujie