Am seeing all my failures and inadequacies in big flashing lights

[StillClimbing]

I woke up from a stressful dream of having walked to a job interview in the snow wearing inadequate and poorly matching shoes because I'd lost the right ones..to find I was entirely unprepared and unqualified for the job. And Liam Payne (a pop musician who died tragically last month) was drinking coffee at the counter.

I have a cold. My youngest child has pneumonia, and hasn't eaten properly for a week and therefore has dropped all his gains and is now in the severe malnutrition category. I'm really, really worried..and also feel like I'm failing him. His being sick distracted from work and besides I took him to 4 appointments last week.

I struggle terribly to perform at work: I procrastinate, waste massive amounts of time on trivial elements, and cannot stay organized. But I dread job hunting, have only been here for 2 years and it feels far too soon to leave. And any job I take is still not using my degrees so I endlessly feel like I've underperformed my entire life, that I've disappointed my father, that I'm a bit of an embarrassment.

I'm having a problem with binge eating at night; I did a special program for it and thought it was better but it's back. I hate it..it's one more aspect of feeling completely lacking in self control. And I had really, really terrible depression for years that I've been in remission from for several years. So I'm terrified that this dip is the sign of coming disaster. I can't let this happen again. I can't do this to my kids.

I realized this morning that this musician dying..I wasn't a fan of the band when they were together as I was much older than their fans and it wasn't really my type of music anyways. Then I developed this funny obsession with them a couple of years ago. I've never had this kind of pop culture fascination so it felt like a silly but harmless hobby. Suddenly I've realized that it's been my fantasy world in a way, my escape, and it's been broken by reality: a real, messed up human who died in tragic circumstances, and so my sadness is partly for an actual, young person but also the loss of my safe escape.

I'm tired, I'm so anxious, I feel dreadful about myself and my life, and those feelings terrifying me because I'm so afraid of getting severely depressed again and letting everything really fall apart.

[AsoingerbobTheGreat]

Listen, StillClimbing. I won't let you tell yourself you're a failure. I know your pain. I'm autistic, and I underperform compared to others teens who are younger than me, I'm 18. I told myself that I was a failure for not being capable for doing what normally is easy. But then I heard this quote from my doctor, "Everyone is different. Your strengths may be others' weaknesses." I promise that you'll one day, be an absolute WARRIOR and handle your business like a boss. Take care and stay safe. 👍🏼❤️

[StillClimbing in reply to AsoingerbobTheGreat]

Thank you for your kind words! My 8 year old (I have a 12 and a 15 year old also) was talking to me about differences yesterday. It's lovely that they learn about these in school now, as he found it interesting and helpful to understand his friend with ASD, a kindergartner with Downs Syndrome, a neighbor with cerebral palsy. But he was observing that he thought maybe he has ADHD so we were discussing how this is a very common thing in my family and some (including me) have slight ASD traits as well. His sister who has diagnosed ADHD was chiming in to talk about how these things can be "annoying" and challenging, but can have strengths as well. They're just differences in the way we experience and respond to the world! But I do think that actual "conditions" like anxiety and depression are less a difference in programming and more a true impairment. It often seems to me that many people with autism suffer primarily because of how society treats them and how people aren't supportive or understanding of different needs. Rather than it being an actual flaw in you. Does that seem accurate in your experience?

[AsoingerbobTheGreat in reply to StillClimbing]

Yes, definitely. I sometimes wonder if people looking at me might think I'm suspicious for my unique behavior. It makes me feel lonely, and that I have to try and act normal constantly. I want to be more expressive, but also not make people think I'm some sort of criminal just for looking around.

[StillClimbing in reply to AsoingerbobTheGreat]

It's really hard. I suppose it's pretty normal for people to be cautious around differences- sadly we are still sort of evolutionarily nervous little monkeys. Mean monkeys often too. But at the same time, we are all unique. It's exhausting to have to mask all the time.

I live in a big city and I think often it's a little easier to be different: there are so many people and so much variety that people can't all expect others to act the same. But it's still not easy, per say. I have a neighbor whose adult son has autism but also some delays; he has quite a lot of freedom to roam in the near blocks and often enough goes to get himself a sandwich while carrying his favorite fire truck. He loves visiting the firehouse around the corner, will often sort of chat with the guys and always brings any new firetruck toys he gets to show them. Yeah, he doesn't make eye contact or hold himself the same or have usual conversations, and sometimes he gets stressed out and has a bout of cussing to himself. There *ought* to be room for all these people in our world. It should be the standard that this happens for everyone unique!

Do you have places you feel safe in where you don't have to mask? People who enjoy you for your unique self?