Trying to survive with severe treatment-resistant depression

[CogitoErgoSum]

I've been a member of the site for several years, however, this is the first time I found the 'oomph' to compose an introductory post.

I have suffered from TRD for over 15 years, after approximately 25 years of living with Persistent Depressive Disorder ('dysthymia').

I wake up by 4am every day and find myself contemplating how much longer I can endure this acute emotional distress before I decide to bring it, once and for all, to a permanent conclusion. I don't believe that I really want to leave life, but rather deep in my soul, I yearn for some measure of relief from the constant suffering. I find joy in nothing, and I have nothing to look forward to. I once had a robust sense of humor, however it has been approximately 15 years since I last experienced a full and spontaneous belly laugh.

Hope is my most precious commodity -- without it I would surely bring an end to the battle. Here I'm referring to treatment modalities that the FDA has 'fast-tracked', e.g. hallucigens for mood disorders and the potentially revolutionary SAINT neuromodulation treatment developed at Stanford University. In addition to hope, I desperately need the words of supportive, empathetic fellow travelers, and particularly to hear sincere words of encouragement as I trudge forward each day, one small step at a time.

Sorry for the length of this post -- I used to half-heartedly joke that I've never been accused of being a man of too FEW words.

May the benevolent universe embrace and bless all of you on your own personal journeys while encumbered with the immense weight of hard-to-treat depression. May the solution to our suffering be not too far ahead on our life paths.

[DonnaEll]

That was indeed a well written introduction. I, top. Have struggled with depression just about my whole life, but the past 4 years anxiety has entered the mix. It has been incredibly difficult. So I completely understand your experience.

My heart goes out to everyone here. It’s a difficult thing and arduous journey but my hopes are that we all find a light in the darkness.

[gajh]

Have you had the opportunity to try TMS Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation, Ketamine, or Neurofeedback? Some people do find success with these treatments. Yes there are more things coming. Yes there is hope for us. Keep your hope alive.

[Downinil]

Hi Cogito…! It was a pleasure reading such a well composed post. I wish there was something I could say to improve the situations we are in.

[CogitoErgoSum in reply to Downinil]

Dear Downinil,

You truly brightened my morning with your kind and complimentary reply. You clearly possess a warm and caring heart!

Regarding saying something to improve the situation we are in, please don't doubt for a moment that your words were like a blessing, and for a time left me feeling unburdened by my illness. Thank you so much, and I hope we can stay in touch. I engage in constant research on the latest treatment modalities for MDD and their status on their journey to FDA approval. Perhaps you might just possibly be interested in feeling the hope that there is indeed light at the end of the long, dark tunnel?

[rksn]

I'm too going through exactly the same problem. Treatment resistant depression and anxiety for what appears to be a life long disorder. From the age of 14 till now- I'm now 60 yrs old. God save us.

[mackydoodle]

Thanks for that info. I am going to agree with gajh below. Look into TMS or Esketamine treatments. I am about to start TMS next week. I have read tons on it and success stories. You can usually find places that do both. With a consultation, they’ll determine which one, or both, is right for you. Good luck!

[eagle468 in reply to mackydoodle]

Mackydoodle - what were the results of TMS? God bless you!

[rksn]

Ive been going through exactly the same problem for the last 45 years. Dysthymia and now severe treatment resistant depression. Please connect and may be with HOPE & GOD's Grace, we can be helpful to each other.

[Kmkrkmkr_22]

Hello and thank you for sharing your experience here. I've had what I believed was TRD having tried everything known to mankind on this earth to "fix" me. I'll be 67 in 9 days and I've had to live my entire lifetime to understand what has really been going on with me. This is my experience only, so please take what you need if it can help you. I chased the symptoms of MDD and anxiety lifelong. A very outgoing and fearless leader and successful in business. Even owned my own company. However, I know now that the unbearable trauma I had to survive in my childhood is and has always been the causes of my lifetime of emotional agony and unsuccessful relationships. So now I understand everything about my life but sadly I cannot seem to fix it. Heading to trying spravato and or ketamine losenges as I've had 6 ketamine infusions in the past. The men in my family are narcissists and 2 psychopaths so in a way I guess I'm a miracle not to be like them but in the past 7 years I have endured more trauma than most people could ever have survived. I'm alive but frozen and a bedridden recluse for the past 7 years. What I believed in people and the world as I knew it are gone forever. For me, severe trauma is my TRD. Blessings

[Cookie2217 in reply to Kmkrkmkr_22]

Hi there. I can relate to your post as I suffer from major depressive disorder as well which stems from my childhood trauma too. I've done cognitive behavioral therapy in 2020 and Psychotherapy in 2023. I'm on medication Pristiq 100 mg and Abilify 10 mg but I believe the medication stopped working because I have been going through an ongoing battle with this latest about for three long years since before the pandemic. I've lost interest in practically every single thing that I used to look forward to I stay in bed all the time and I've told my husband there's no reason for me to get up because there's nothing to do and no reason to do it. Sometimes I feel guilty because my husband is beside himself and doesn't know what to do to help me out of my depression and I feel that he may think that I don't love him as much as I used to because I don't want to spend as much time with him as I used to and just want to sleep. That's definitely not the case though it's just from my depression and I can't seem to get a grip on it. I turned 54 this year. This year has been particularly trying for me as I lost my job which in turn cause me to lose my condo and now my husband and I are living in my sister's basement. This has put me into a deeper tailspin but I realize that the only way to go is up because I can't sink any lower. If it weren't for her I would be homeless on the street at this point so I am grateful that she has taken us in and is allowing us to live with her and her son. I got another job which was supposed to be full time but I'm only getting part-time hours which is very frustrating I have a job interview via Zoom tomorrow at 2:00 p.m. which I am hoping goes well. Please reach out to me as I feel that you and I could help each other through our tough times. Take care and be well and hope to hear from you soon.

[Nothing_but_books]

I nominate you for first prize, best screen name ever.

Your first post, and you're sharing so much pain. It amazes me you can stay on top of research living with TRD. I wish I could.

[Cjhays]

sitting her nodding my head. How did you learn that your depression was treatment resistant

[CatLaxy68]

I understand your frustration. I am almost out of hope at this point. Tried every antidepressant ( almost) out there, years of therapy and even ECT. After 3 treatments of that, I quit. Apparently it’s all the rage again. I’m really just staying alive until my daughter graduates college. Until then, it’s getting through the day. Best of luck to you.