Hello! I'm new here and am happy to find this group.

[Wildwynd]

Hello everyone. This is me taking a leap and posting something about myself and hoping to connect with some people since I have managed to completely isolate myself in the last few years and it's proving to be not so great of a thing for me to be so utterly alone. I used to be a very social person who was able to talk to almost anybody and very much enjoyed the company of other people, I even sought it out and went out to do things with friends every week. I had very many extremely close friendships that I treasured and took great care to cultivate and maintain and I truly felt people cared for me and about me.

I am a 50 year old woman from Michigan and I have struggled with MDD and, unfortunately, other diagnoses for literally as long as I can remember. While things have always been difficult, a few years ago, there was a sudden, major upheaval in my life which altered everything about who I used to be and now I truly hide from every single person and everything in the world if I can.

I am not the best at communicating like I used to be, I stumble over my words now and can't convey my thoughts like I want so I have stopped looking for people to talk to. I've been struggling through some of the hardest times I have ever gone through and since I have nobody to talk to, it's not getting any easier, so I'm just reaching out and giving this a try. I have to try anything I can to try to make things better.

Thanks for reading!

[Downinil]

Hi Wildwynd! It’s nice to have you here. I’ve struggled with similar events in my life the past few years too. Maybe we can get to know each other through this forum. That would be nice.

[Wildwynd in reply to Downinil]

Hello Downinil How are you? It's very nice to meet you here and thank you for responding to my post. I am sorry to hear that you have been struggling too. Honestly, I have just been isolating myself so much in the past 5 years and it's just gotten so much worse in the last 2 and it has been proving too be not too great for me to be so alone, so I decided to try to reach out online, maybe people would understand? It's been a tough go lately and I would love to find a connection with some people again.

Where are you from? I'm from the Detroit area in Michigan and there's not really too many interesting things about that,.... lol

I hope you're having a good weekend and thanks again for the reply !

[Downinil in reply to Wildwynd]

Hi Wildwynd! I’m from central Illinois. Life’s thrown me some doozies and I’m in a bind with isolation caused by physical pain, restrictions at home and no help when I’ve seen people in wheel chairs better off than my body has been lately. I’m at my wits end from the isolation so I can definitely relate to you.

[Wildwynd in reply to Downinil]

I'm so sorry to hear that you have no help dealing with what you are. That's awful. I have some physical limitations that I have been dealing with as well and it is very difficult. Isolation is not a good thing, really. I truly think that it is important to have other people in your life. Society today greatly disheartens me and I fear we are pulling further and further away from spritiual connection between human beings and I believe that is a terrible thing for the human race. Things are so messed up now that we truly should have and forge a connection with other people, but social media encourages otherwise and I really think that we re not connecting as a human species anymore.

[blackcat64013]

Hi Wildwynd,Welcome to your forum from me in Australia.

Depression is such a serious issue for people. It messes with our body, mind and soul.

Our forum members who have lived experiences of success and failure coping with their concerns so you can find some great information and ideas or just a listening ear.

Feel free to contribute as much or as little as you can. We enjoy photos, drawings and quotes which can support and inspire us as much as written words.

[Wildwynd in reply to blackcat64013]

Thank you very much, Blackcat64013 I appreciate your response to my post. I hope to contribute to the group. Goodness knows I write so very much and have a lot to say. I'm also an artist and love to create, so I do have pictures of inspiring thing to me to share.

I have been diagnosed with so much more than depression, that I long for the days when that was my only diagnoses that I lived with for most of my life. I was diagnosed and medicated at 12 and I just celebrated half a century last fall, so this has been a part of me since I can remember.

Thank you for the welcome and I look forward to hopefully contributing in this group

[Cookie2217]

Hi there and welcome to this wonderful group of ours. When I was reading your post I felt like you were speaking directly to me because I suffer from major depression disorder too and used to be a lot more social and outgoing and have so many friends and Through the Years I only have a small group now and something happened years ago where I disconnected from a lot of my old friends and long for those old days back but I need to contend with my life as it is now and maintain the wonderful friendships that I have managed to keep thus far. My one friend Lisa and I have been friends for over 50 years and she and I have known each other since we were 11 I am 54 now and I trust her with everything and am able to tell her anything without being afraid of being judged and she understands and takes time with me and knows when I withdraw from people and keeps reaching out until I finally call her back. I have another friend Lisa who is also very caring that knows just when I am at that moment where I don't answer the phone even though I see that people are calling because I just can't pick the phone up I don't have the energy the strength or the wherewithal to approach that conversation and it's not that I don't want to it's just that I can't bring myself to do it and it's such a big change because I was always the outgoing one to always be the first to call people and chat and laugh and talk and as I gotten older I've changed a lot but I'm looking to get back to more of myself because when it comes down to it we only go around once and we might as well make it count. I've definitely isolated myself and have just in this past year lost my job of 20 years and in turn then lost my place to live so my husband and I and my cat are living in my sister's basement so the only place to go from here is up because it brought me to my knees. Living under somebody else's roof is very taxing and it's begun to strain the relationship between my sister and I but in all actuality without her my husband and I and my cat would have been homeless well we are and I am trying everything and everything to undo the damage and start my life over once again and get our own place and move forward from here. Just those few things happening was a lot of losses for me last year and I was already depressed so it just made it worse. In the past months I haven't even gotten out of bed much want to sleep all the time want it to be quiet wanted to be dark and that's no way to live I need to fight against this depressive disease and be stronger than it and overcome it it got so bad where I called out of work for over a week because I just couldn't get there and I almost lost the job that I have now and thank God the girl was kind and didn't fire me. My poor husband is at his within because he tries to help but doesn't know how to approach it does he just let me be or does he get me out of bed even though I don't want to and then that'll cause us to argue because then I wake up in a bad mood but either way my poor husband loses because he's beside himself and doesn't know what to do with me my heart really goes out to him because he's put up with a lot as far as I'm concerned and I thank God for him everyday he's a wonderful man who's stuck through me through thick and thin for better for worse for richer for poor and in sickness and health he took those vows seriously cuz he's still right here by my side. I just received some good news that I got a better job that pays more money that could possibly get us out of my sister's house and out on our own and then something may or may not happen with that so I might not get it but my husband told me not to fall apart over it I so want this job so much so it's in God's hands if it's meant to be it's meant to be He'll make a way for us one way or another. Heck if I made it this far without losing my mind completely I have no place other to go then up from here cuz last year brought me to my knees. I've decided to try my best to wake up everyday in a positive mood thankful and grateful for a new day cuz that's one more day I get to spend with my wonderful husband and my cat Bella and my family who I love. I know how it feels to have nobody to talk to because you don't think they'll understand but you have definitely found your tribe here because so many of us have been there done that worn the T-shirt or know somebody that has so you're in the right spot here and I'm so glad that you found us. I really hope by what I've said has given you some solace just knowing that somebody else knows where you're coming from and feels your pain because we're all in this together helping one another through this terrible depressive disease that we've been stricken with but let's not let it beat us we got to keep our chin up and hold our heads up high and know that there are better things to come in our futures. I know it doesn't seem like this right now but there is a light at the end of that tunnel and if no one has told you lately you are enough, you are worthy, you are beautifully and wonderfully made because God makes no mistakes try your best and remember that even when it's hard to. One last thought I had for you I Journal my thoughts a lot on paper and it seems to help me a lot to get those feelings out in the open try it and see if you like it listen to music that's soothing or happy maybe volunteer at an animal shelter to keep yourself busy and your mind and check because idle time for us is no good because it brings us right back to that depressive dark state and try to get out in the Sun every day vitamin D is essential for us that have depression. Please if you could let me know how you're doing and keep in touch and keep reaching out it works and there are so many here that are willing to help out with helpful hints and suggestions on how you can get yourself out and about and feeling better. Wishing you peace and well-being keep in touch take care.

[Wildwynd in reply to Cookie2217]

Thank you for the wonderful response! It's very nice to meet you I am sorry that you have been struggling as well and I'm very glad for you that you have what sounds like a wonderful partner and some good friends who try their best to understand and truly care about you.

in 2019, my life absolutely fell apart when my marriage of 20 years ended very suddenly and it truly destroyed me and my family. I have not been able to recover from learning that the man I had spent more than half of my life with did not really love me and he was not the person that I had thought I was married to. I was a stay at home mom for almost all of those 20 years so my entire world was turned completely upside down and I just can't seem to get past the past and all of the terribly hurtful things and it's especially difficult because in addition to the crushing depression, I am also diagnosed with PTSD, BPD, Bipolar, and chronic anxiety. So, it's been lots of fun to say the least.

I truly have nobody in my life that cares anything about my mental health or what I am experiencing. Everybody I am in contact with never wants me to talk about anything of any consequence regarding myself or how I am feeling or doing unless it benefits them in some way like if they listen to one tiny, inconsequential thing from me, it gives them license to unload every little thing that bothers them onto me because I have always been that friend - the one who people seek out to listen when they have to talk or to offer advice or a shoulder to cry on. Most of the time, I don't even get a false "How are you?" before they just launch into their problems, vomit 2 hours worth of what is bothering them onto me, then tell me it was great to talk to me and hang up without even acknowledging me as a person and at this point I am very over it.

I am also extremely empathic which makes things like the BPD just that much worse because everything seems to hurt just a little more than how things seem to affect others. I've always been told that I just "Feel too much" and that I can be in complete control of how I feel and react to everything and I've had to fight against that thinking for my whole life, even against myself trying to tell myself that I have control of everything and I "SHOULD" be able to be normal. Trying to listen to everyone else tell you that you're making shit up, that these things are thought patterns I create on purpose to make myself miserable, that you really don't have any problems when every doctor gives you the same diagnoses and have been medicated for literally 30 years is the biggest struggle I fight against every day. I mean, for real, who in the hell wants to live like that if they have a choice?!? Who wants to struggle through suicidal thoughts every minute of the day if you could easily make a decision to not have those thoughts?

Yes, I did used to have literally hundreds of good friends! Not Facebook or social media friends, but real, tangible people that I interacted with on a very regular basis and considered "family" to me and it really seemed that COVID changed the world in so many ways, and everyone drifting apart seemed to be part of that no matter how close we used to be and that was pretty crushing. Especially since most of my friends were people that I connected with through things I treasured like my hot glass community and my strong music community, losing all of that and my connection to the art that I love to create had changed me very dramatically, it seems. I haven't been able to create my art for the last 2 years and it has taken a great toll on my mental health. That process remains the only thing I can do to actually completely remove myself from my troubles, and where I can actually achieve a healing, meditative state of mind and it is very difficult being removed from melting glass for me.

I am a big gardener, though, so I have been trying to spend as much time as I can outside planting and taking care of my garden and that does bring me some solace. After some injuries, I can't do as much as I used to, but growing plants is something that brings me great joy. I've been too depressed the last 3 years to do any kind of a veggie and flower garden, but I did make great efforts in the last 3 weeks to get things planted and spend some time in the sun. I now have quite a few little seedlings poking their heads through and I'm looking very forward to later in the summer when I get to enjoy the beautiful flowers and tasty veggies I have planted.

Lol, I just have too much to talk about because I don't talk to anybody, but human connection has always been very important to me. It's hard not to have anyone around to even share small observations with and I am always trying to learn new things.

Thanks so much for your response and I hope that you have a great day!

[Cookie2217 in reply to Wildwynd]

Hi. You are so welcome and I'm glad that you found my post helpful and responded to me seems that you and I have a lot in common along with major depressive disorder I also struggle with PTSD as well. I truly believe that Covid changed so much for me as well as I have been in my latest depressive episodes for the past 4 years since right before covid started and it just made it manifest even worse. When covid hits I was working for the state as a child protective service worker and was so upset that they were sending us out in the field still visit families with the possibility of getting covid from our families that were staying in motels hotels and homes because we had no idea to know whether they were sick or not and I felt that they Division didn't care about our well-being whatsoever. I worked there for 20 years and I just resigned in 2023 due to my depression as well I was sick ashamed and they went after me because I was taking off a lot because I just couldn't get myself out of bed and into the office and it was so unfortunate if I could have made it five more years I would have made it to fully time and my medical would have been covered for the rest of my life but I needed to go because it was just too much to handle. As soon as I turned 50 I felt as though they began to come after me because they seem to want the older workers out at whatever cost because they don't ever want us to reach for retirement age and continuously make it difficult for us to do our jobs. They even went as far as second-guessing my judgments that I made out in the field and began to send me out with another worker like I was incompetent what an insult you have to be in there for 20 years I don't know what I'm doing whatever I couldn't wait to get out of there it was a very toxic work environment I was so unhappy I dreaded going in there every day. In a way my resignation was welcomed by me but I had to go on unemployment which was fine but that eventually ran out and there were no extensions which then caused me to lose the home that we were living in so now myself my husband and my beautiful Maine Coon cat Bella within my sister's basement but we have no place else to go but up from here because last year brought me to my knees. I used to also have a lot more friends and be very social outgoing and empathetic and I have changed so much for my depression I'm not the same girl I used to be and I so long for her to come back again you know what I mean. People just don't understand that you can't just make this shut off it's a debilitating disease that stays with you and we never just make shit up it's either really happening to us and it's how we really feel and it makes us feel very isolated and alone. Now I have a very small tight-knit group of friends which totals three and these days it's about quality not quantity you can have a million friends but half of them don't care about you really most of them only care about themselves like you were saying and dumping their problems on you and when you try to tell them about yourself they don't care they're uncaring and they just don't put the time in to the friendship that we deserve. I've always proud of myself on nourishing my friendships my one friend Lisa has been my friend for 50 years and my other friend Kelly and I have been friends for about 25 and my other girlfriend Lisa and I have been friends for about five and that's my group of friends I find it a lot easier to share the good the bad and the ugly with those girls because they have my back and truly care about how I am doing. When I am not at my best in going through a major depressive episode each one of those girls know it because I don't answer the phone and they keep reaching out and love me enough to do so which is really heartwarming for me that they care so much. Each one of them say not to isolate but it's so hard and I tend to withdraw from everyone when I'm in that deep dark hole and just want to stay in the darkness by myself which is no good and not unhealthy. I hope that you get back to the hobbies that you love soon you should because it will bring you joy. I wish I had a green thumb like you and was able to have a beautiful garden but everything I touch it doesn't work out and they wind up wilting. I have also been told that I am an empath and from what I read you are too. We do definitely feel too much and are so in tune to those around us that we actually feel everyone else's emotions as well. We have a lot in common and birds of a feather flock together. Thank you so much for your post and nice to get to know you a bit better. Definitely keep me posted on how things are going and hope to talk to you soon. Wishing you peace and well-being.