Dating and Lupus

[linicole]

Anyone has experience with sharing lupus diagnosis with the person you are seeing? How does it work? What responses do you usually get?

Lupus is a big part of my life and Lupus definitely shape who I am today. But I also don’t want to freak people out before dating. I have no idea of how my lupus will turn into in a few years and I don’t want to become anyone’s burden.

When will be the best time to share this information when you are dating someone? What advice do you all have?

I appreciate you all!❤️

[Penguintaz]

Hi Linicole,

I was very lucky in that my boyfriend was my friend for many years before we dated and he was aware of what I was going through to get a diagnosis and the Lupus before hand.

Generally I think it's better to tell them early on and explain how it may effect you day to day and what it would mean for dates so: having more chill/ relaxing dates or not wanting to always be out in the sun or even not feeling up for doing stuff sometimes. Do say it's not contagious, some people do worry about that!

You don't have to go into grim detail about the worst of it or all the tests unless you trust them or feel comfortable telling them.

I think it's best to tell them asap as you might suffer a flair and this can put strain on a relationship if the other person wasn't ready for you to get so ill so quickly. It may sound selfish but it can really scare people off knowing their partner may be getting constly ill, is on medication and at some point in the future they may have to help look after you.

But I did tell my lovely boyfriend all of this and he has seen me in hospital struggling and in remission with too much energy than I know what to do with and he still around so the right person will stick with you. It does make casual dating a bit harder I think but if you want something more long term I really hope that it goes well for you! X

[Paul_Howard Partner LUPUS UK]

Hi linicole ,

This is an excellent topic and I hope you get lots of contributions from the rest of the community. A while back we did a blog article about lupus and relationships in which a lot of people shared their experiences and advice. You may want to give it a read - lupusuk.org.uk/lupus-and-re...

[Sara_A]

I don’t think I’d say anything until u need to early on really. You can just see how it goes to start with and tell them when u feel the time is right. If u are just going on dates with different people st mo I wouldn’t feel I needed to tell them on the 1st date or anything.

So there’s no specific time that’s right just individual really.

[MOZZONE]

I told the guy I was dating day one. Now 14 yrs later my husband of 9 yrs. They need to understand and why waste your time on some one that will not support you

[Hidden]

For me I tend to think being honest at the start will avoid issues later on. I told my boyfriend from day one, the complications, symptoms and treatment I have and how it may affect me. I did this because I was worried if I would have flares around him or have to cancel plans. It just worked better for me and we still going strong 3 years on.

[Littlebitofftoday]

I have had many different reactions I like to tell them after a couple dates. I had two guys that said nope...not dealing with that. My now fiance said that means nothing I like you and whatever comes with you I will deal with it with you so you're not alone. So try doing early so you know who's worth your time sweetie.

[Lisalou19]

I’ve been single for 5 years. I don’t understand myself half the time, and just believe no one could ever put up with me. From the good days to the bad days, I am such a different person. Unfortunately this has left me quite lonely and on my own with 3 children .

Maybe one day when I feel ok again things may change, but for now I’m just stuck inside myself, I don’t have the energy to do the whole dating think. I do hope this area in my life can and will change.

I would say be open, your illness is nothing to hide from, and hopefully you have a understanding partner xx

[Iranianman1]

In my country, Iran, things differ much. I am a man, and, as a matter of fact, I should enjoy the privilege of being a man in a men's ruling country. But it is not the case. For many reasons, I could not get the satisfaction of my wife with it. (note: I have not been in a dating relation throughout my adult life, I got married once and forever). My wife is kind of bipolar personality and most of all, I have remained in the relation for my children's fate, in a country that has no dependable social support for children of divorce. I can say, for sure, that she has not accepted my being with lupus, like many other problems, though she has many psychological problems herself but she does not acknowledge them, so as to at least seek after a treatment. I have tried, for about 30 years, to tolerate it. and I don't really know what a sound sexual relation is. I have accepted her problems as they are.

[maye1]

Hi Linicole,

I can relate to what you’re saying. I didn’t date for 2 years - because I was concerned that if my health worsened, I’d become a burden. Friends kept telling me that the right guy won’t care.

So I took a chance. I met a man and we connected. I did not initially share that I have Lupus. When I finally told him, it was a non-issue to him. Turns out that he has health concerns too and I think that’s helped us to understand that part of each other. We both see illness in the same way. That helps too.

There are people out there! Good luck!