Lupus and dating-I despair!

[Comeonpeeps]

Having trouble finding someone who doesn't see an issue with having lupus. What can I do, are there any dating sites for sufferers?

Help me please.

X

[Roarah]

I had a very active dating life for twelve years following my lupus diagnosis. I am married now. I did a lot of blind dates set up by friends, some online dating and I joined a sailing club for singles where I had the best of times and even without a love connection I met some friends with a common interest that I still see.

What worked for me was my diagnosis never came up until much later in the relationship. That way they could see it did not define me at all. How quickly do you reveal your illness? Past relationships, marriage and children goals and health issues should never be spoken about too early in the dating relationship in my opinion. I looked at first dates like interviewing never lie but never complain about past experiences, seem eager and energetic , always be positive and generally never reveal too much information.

Good luck.

[NeuronerdDoaty in reply to Roarah]

Roarah You’re a hot potato honey! 💃🍾

I was 50 and my kids thought I should have somebody (so I wouldn’t bother them all the time, just part time😁) so I went on Our Time. It’s over 50. (Redneck voice warning) Ain’t nobody on thar got a lick ah sense or a whole body.

We wouldn’t be old and alone if we were fit and trim. I met my hubs and I’m about to be 56. We’ve been married 4 years. I saw his picture. He posted one where he’s fishing. I thought ‘good he won’t bug me all the time. He has hobbies.’

I help him deal with diabetes and he helps with my medical stuff.

When we’re 70 we’re going to ride off into the sunset (since we live in the East. It would be anticlimactic to ride 1/2 hour to the east coast beach.)

Keep your eyes open. Remember you aren’t lupus. You’re a person with idiosyncrasies to your health.

Good luck 💛👍

[Roarah in reply to NeuronerdDoaty]

I live on the Long Island sound in Connecticut. Are you in New England by any chance?

[NeuronerdDoaty in reply to Roarah]

I have a house on the Cape but to be closer to grandkids we moved to Virginia.

[Roarah in reply to NeuronerdDoaty]

I love Virginia! I worked in DC after college but lived in Alexandria, in the del Ray area. Wish I. Keep that house i would have netted over $700 k in resale :(.

[NeuronerdDoaty in reply to Roarah]

My oldest was born in Arlington. My grandmothers family home was in Alexandria. It’s a B&B now. It’s a lovely old home. I remember playing hide and seek with my cousins in it. Good memories.

[Hidden]

Dating websites are filled with all sorts of fraudsters, scammers, liars, manipulators, psychopaths etc and those with malicious intent.

Why bother using them?

Why suffer with FOMO (fear of missing out)...as well as lupus?

You will gain nothing except more pain...but?🤔

Are YOU worth the risk?

[Roarah in reply to Hidden]

Gee I think it is better than the " old fashion" way I ended up meeting my DH, in a bar ;). I know many who have had great success on line but it is not for everybody.

[Hidden in reply to Roarah]

I know of at least 10 pre-meet dates from friends that ended up complete fakes.

One actual date looked totally different to the photo he uploaded of himself. No resemblance whatsoever. Not even close.

Hopeless. One look in the lobby of the hotel and I ran for my life.😰😓

Dangerous.

Never, ever again.

[NeuronerdDoaty in reply to Hidden]

That’s true but in the USA they say over 50% of ppl meet online. It might not be a significant other, I’ve made some good friends too. You have to be smart and careful. If the dude asks how big my boobs are 3 messages in I know he doesn’t deserve me. If we’re still talking science or family then it can keep going. My husband talked so lovingly of his kids and sisters I knew he was going to be at least a friend.

One gross guy even asked about my daughters in a slimy way. I told him if he wanted to keep his “.....” we better never meet.

Be smart. Don’t lead with your heart.

[Hamptons]

I met my partner online. I worked on the same premise as an earlier reply that I did not mention the Lupus initially. We got to know each other first. I wanted to know if I liked him, bad habits, annoying tics, his eating habits, movie preferences, interests and beliefs, general compatibility before I put that out there.

I am private about my Lupus generally and do not share with many that I have it. It’s a part of my life not my life. I want people to know me for the fabulous, witty, charming person I am (okay, maybe hopeful there but I think I am fab).

He had his own baggage, not medical but a divorce and two children. These quite rightly impact our lives more than Lupus and were a bigger adjustment. We spent time getting to know each other and like the other lady said he got to know me and saw that I functioned ( was fabulous, witty, etc). After 3 months when we were getting more serious I told him about the Lupus and suggested that he looked it up. I don’t think he ever has.

After 9 months together my health began to deteriorate and I became less mobile and struggled with fatigue. Our life changed. But, his care for me has not. He sees it as part of the joy of me and now fills my hot water bottles and opens everything. He even bought a foot spa in the heat last week to try ease my puffy feet. I have asked him about the Lupus and if it gets him down but he is adamant that he is here for me and it’s what I bring. I think I am more bothered about him acting as a carer than he is.

We are not Lupus, we are people who are funny and interesting. We are worthy of being cared for and loved as individuals. As an inappropriate person once said to me when I said I would not date as I didn’t want to burden someone with Lupus - even ugly people in wheelchairs find love- which I think translates to there is someone out there for everyone.

My recommendation would be to remember what makes you you - what is it your friends love about you. Then find a reputable dating site, I used eharmony but other websites are available. I recommend paying as it raises the bar. My singlemate is cool as your friends write a testimonial. Chat by email/message first before you meet, be sure you want to meet them. Rules out ones just out for sex (Match.com expected on 3rd date apparently). Then meet and get to know them again. Otherwise clubs and friends setting you up works well too. But tell them about you not your Lupus. I have Lupus and I would be put off if I was bombarded by symptoms on the first couple of dates. Divorce was hard enough as I was a spinster.

And as for fake photos and the like, I know that people have bad experiences on websites. I have been lucky, especially as I made contact before his photo could be accessed. Luckily, he was not a minger and did not notice my photo was 5 years old and a little out of date. My previous bloke was a nightmare and general wacko, yet I met him volunteering and I had known him for 9 months before we dated. So, there is no rule.

Remember you are lovely, interesting and they’d be lucky to have you. Everyone has baggage but that does not stop them deserving a positive partnership.

[Kevin53]

My daughter went speed dating and is now happily married to the wonderful son in law that we have gained. Best wishes Kevin

[Comeonpeeps]

Thank you all so much. Some things to think about there. xxxxxxxxxxx

[miccika1]

Same as the above folks, met a guy online, didn't talk about medical conditions until we became serious.