I honestly don't understand my feelings any more. I forget everything I hate myself most of the time. Iwon't get out of bed sometimes I feel when something hurts I Blame lupus. If I can't concentrate I blame my depression and lupus. I doubt myself in every way. I make my boyfriend feel horrible ,I just told him I doubt my love for him. He is the most amazing person In the world. I dated horrible men ppl that would hurt me and use me ,but I would never leave them I loved them so much for some odd reason I guess because I'm crazy I was the only one putting effort and when they would leave I would stop eating and hate myself more. All that work and pain for no reason it's like I wanted there acceptance here love because thy never gave it to me. My boyfriend is the opposite accepts me loves me and I don't know why, and it weirds me out because I'm not used to it. Now that I have an amazing person I doubt everything . Either I think I don't deserve him or I'm used to my exes abusement that like I want someone to ignore me and treat me like crap???. What the hell....Priscilla!! Now that I have a man that loves me for my illness and my disgusting past, I feel I should let him go because I'm unworthy, doubt my love for him , and thinks he deserves better because I can't be better. He is so good to me I am terribly mean to him beacause I feel like I can be myself and I was never horrible before lupus now I'm frustrated I hate everything depression sucks also. He asks me why don't I love him like I loved them, how come I never yelled at them. And I cry and cry because I don't know the answer. I fell like I don't Even know who I am . Just want to give up.
Sorry for the venting help someone anyone. Males want your opinion also
I'm not a bad person but sometimes when I speak I feel like it's not even me . I feel like I'm hurting the person that actually loves me and pushing him away . Am I doing This because i doubt that I love him. Is it because I'm scared , used to the abuse???,, or I don't really love him. Or because I don't feel worthy for him.or I think he can do better .