I honestly don't understand my feelings any more. I forget everything I hate myself most of the time. Iwon't get out of bed sometimes I feel when something hurts I Blame lupus. If I can't concentrate I blame my depression and lupus. I doubt myself in every way. I make my boyfriend feel horrible ,I just told him I doubt my love for him. He is the most amazing person In the world. I dated horrible men ppl that would hurt me and use me ,but I would never leave them I loved them so much for some odd reason I guess because I'm crazy I was the only one putting effort and when they would leave I would stop eating and hate myself more. All that work and pain for no reason it's like I wanted there acceptance here love because thy never gave it to me. My boyfriend is the opposite accepts me loves me and I don't know why, and it weirds me out because I'm not used to it. Now that I have an amazing person I doubt everything . Either I think I don't deserve him or I'm used to my exes abusement that like I want someone to ignore me and treat me like crap???. What the hell....Priscilla!! Now that I have a man that loves me for my illness and my disgusting past, I feel I should let him go because I'm unworthy, doubt my love for him , and thinks he deserves better because I can't be better. He is so good to me I am terribly mean to him beacause I feel like I can be myself and I was never horrible before lupus now I'm frustrated I hate everything depression sucks also. He asks me why don't I love him like I loved them, how come I never yelled at them. And I cry and cry because I don't know the answer. I fell like I don't Even know who I am . Just want to give up.
Sorry for the venting help someone anyone. Males want your opinion also
I'm not a bad person but sometimes when I speak I feel like it's not even me . I feel like I'm hurting the person that actually loves me and pushing him away . Am I doing This because i doubt that I love him. Is it because I'm scared , used to the abuse???,, or I don't really love him. Or because I don't feel worthy for him.or I think he can do better .
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Priss
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That does sound like a lot to deal with! Too much to deal with on your own!
If you are struggling with depression and anxiety as well as feeling generally unwell and mixed up, some sort of professional help might be best. They should be able to help you disentangle what is going on, work out what the priorities are, and make a plan for tackling each part of the problem.
Meanwhile is there anything (or anyone) that has helped you through a similar crisis in the past?
I think you are afraid of the lupus and are looking for support and help. You need to get something to help with the depression, that's why you are feeling this way. You want to hit out at everyone and everything because it just doesn't seem fair that you have this illnesss . Go to your doctor and get help.
I'm with whisperit & strawberryshortcake! This is too much to deal with on your own: please see your gp and ask for help
Meanwhile, remember: we're right by your side...many of us have got through crises very like the one you're describing - me for one (am now an old bird of 63 who has been surviving lupus since infancy...have been married for 30 + years to a wonderful guy who seems to love me as I am, regardless how cranky my health makes me 😉...and I've sought out & benefitted from professional help several times over the decades )
Maybe Priss you should let him read what you have just written. You have expressed so well how confused and mixed up it all makes you feel.
I think you probably do love him ,but those drugs and this disease really mucks us up at times.
I think you are depressed and no wonder! It is a miracle for any who get through this without ever feeling black and foul at times.
I agree though with the others, time to get help for it. Maybe tell him that, so he feels involved in helping to get you out of it ,and into a better way of looking at everything.
I have read it over again and I honestly don't think it will hurt him.
It will show him just how confused, frustrated and desperate you feel.
Having chronic illness makes us angry with the world, I sometimes lash out too at those I love and don't know why. I end up hating myself instead of the illness but try not to do this. Get help from your doctor instead.
Sometimes I resent people who are well which is awful.
Often all those medications mess with our heads and produce a rage, but this is not the real us. Try instead to love yourself, you are a soldier bravely coping on the battle front. Never be ashamed of how you feel.
You are doing the best you can in dreadful cicumstances. xx
Lupus effects everything, especially the mind. Two weeks ago I totally lost my **** at my Dad. I have never argued with my Dad, never shouted at him but I just went crazy. What was it over? An onion, yes.....a flipping onion! Dad said that he had no idea why I was acting the way that I was and it was frightening him, I felt totally out of control.
Got a phone call the next day from my wonderful Lupus nurse and my bloods were way off. On the same day my flare which has been ongoing since September developed further with worsening symptoms but I felt totally confused and started stuttering with my words. When my Lupus is really really bad my brain get effected. It can do crazy things to your mind.
I agree you should see your GP. Are you on steroids because they are just a rollercoaster of emeotions that have sent me barmy before. I agree that it might be helpful to show your boyfriend what you have written. Communicate with him about how you feel because he's probably desperate for your love the way that you were desperate for love and validation of your exes.
Don't push away a keeper. If he accepts you for you and your illness and all it's ups and downs then you are one lucky lady.
See your GP, communicate with your partner.
It sounds like you don't know who you are at the moment, you don't know what you want and how to express that. It's a lonely place, I've been there but as COCO says you are not alone, we are all here for you.
Please let us know how you are getting on and keep in touch.🌼
i agree with all of the above...being chronically ill can make you feel confused and depressed. It sounds like to me that you are experiencing a lot of agitation and that is a form of anxiety. Dont try to fight anxiety on your own, please go see a professional for help. I have come to realize how profoundly being chronically physically ill effects our mental health. So we are fighting both! Once you get professional help and begin to feel better re-evaluate your relationship then. From my experience, it is difficult to find someone who is understanding and supportive when I am always sick! i It can become very isolating which over a period of time only makes the depression worse. So, get some help to help you figure it all out.
your welcome...priss i get agitated too and didnt realize it was a form of anxiety. another thing, you mentioned being attracted mostly to guys that dont seem to reciprocate...i know this lived it...i dated a guy starting in my teens thru college that wasnt really emotionally available for me. i spent so many years trying to win his love or approval or just get his attention...i wasnt stalking him lol i mean we moved in together in college and somehow ended up engaged even though he was never that into me! It wasnt until years later after we broke up that i realized he was a lot like my father...my father was always emotionally distant and busy doing his own thing...it was always hard to get his attention for very long. So i realized that i was seeking out what felt normal and familiar to me later on when i first began dating! It is a dysfunctional pattern and i wasted a lot of years with him. A therapist in group therapy said this and interestingly it was a group session on depression in general yet she just came out and said to a coed group of us "yall are going to be attracted to your worst parent and find yourself in the same type of relationships over and over" ! In my case, my father wasnt my worst parent but i did find myself seeking out the same emotional characteristics he had in my relationships. It is a pattern of behavior that needs to be recognized to stop it that way you can find and establish healthier relationships in the future...it may keep you from sabotoging a potentially great one...i did that a few times too. A good counselor can help you figure it all out...I hope this helps with some of your confusion and anxiety...take care
I can so relate to you !!! I doubt my boyfriend love all the time and I hate the fact that I feel this way almost everyday . I don't know how to get pass the weakness, nausea flares and fatigue. And I wonder why he would stay with me when there are so many younger women but he says let him decide for himself. Depression has set in but I refuse for it to over take me I just remind myself I've been through worse but all reality not like this but I'm strong and am over comer and so are you
Before you do anything drastic with your boyfriend get to your doctor asap. It may just be that you need a medication. Could be bi-polar, could be a number of fairly simple things to cure or help with.
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