what did I do wrong?

for a long time I have kept myself single because of the way Lupus can make you not able to go out and have fun. How your mental state can become altered. Recently though I met a man who I thought would/could be the one I would like to try at a relationship with. I told him about Lupus and he was just so open to everything. This morning he dumped me.

He told me the same old adage that some men say 'Oh I like you but I'm not ready for a relationship'. I'm quite devastated to be honest. I'm trying to stay positive and just sweep all the emotions that I feel away from me. But it is so hard. I keep stopping myself from crying because I don't want to feel weak. I've come to the conclusion that I am never going to have the experience of marriage. Never going to be able to find someone to share my life with. Always will be alone. I don't get it. Even with this illness I am still a good woman, still desirable (I think). Still fun to be wth. I'm so upset but keeping it all down deep in my head. I can feel the pain in my heart passing into my joints, my muscles, my every nerve ending. Right now I just want to lay down and never get up again. I want the Lupus pain to just engulf me so that I cannot feel the pain of rejection. I feel like just giving up on everything.

22 Replies

  • Oh Sewells1961 I do feel for you. I doubt very much if you have done anything wrong. It was probably just that he wasn't ready for a long-term relationship right now. Which is sad, and his loss, but it happens to people. You are very pretty in your picture and I'm sure you are a good person. Unfortunately we only get to meet 'the one' by putting ourselves out there and allowing ourselves to get hurt. I'm sorry you feel so bad, but it's really normal to feel like this after a rejection. Let yourself cry - it's not weak and tears are cathartic and will allow you to get over it quicker.

    I hope and pray that you feel better soon. Remember though that IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT. Look around you - unattractive and not-very-nice people often find husbands. It was just that you found the wrong man at the wrong time. And one day you WILL find the right man at the right time if you can be brave enough to keep looking.

    Big hugs. xxxx

  • Big hugs to you too. Thank you for your support.

    The chap is a twerp. I feel much better today. The tears helped me wash him out of my system. I'm the type of lady to not let others keep me down. Rejection is horrible and it hurts all the more to me because my parents rejected me as a child. But..I know I'm worth a lot more than a silly chap.

    As I said to others who took the time to write to me, I'm a diamond..lol and sooner or later Mr Right for me will appear. Until then I'm just going to live and smile every day.

    Thank you again. xxx

  • Sewells you poor thing, I feel for you so much because I know that pain.

    But you did the RIGHT thing and it was borne out of strength not weakness.

    You would have had to tell him eventually because you're an honest person. If you had told him later it would have been even more painful. He wasn't the right man because you need a man who will be able to embrace all of you. You feel pain because you did the right thing- You took a chance on love and was open with him and you got hurt and it's awful that you feel so devastated. But what you did was strong NOT weak...you were honest and took a chance.

    Sometimes the best things hurt the most. You will find love...you will be hurt along the way...but you will get the man you deserve.

    Crying is not weakness...be kind to yourself and take some time out

    ....but also remember and take pride in your strength....it takes strength to take a chance on love and take risks

    When the right man finds you he won't believe his luck


  • That was lovely. Thank you so much. I've shaken myself down, looked at myself in the mirror and know I'm worth a lot more than the silly guy realises.

    I'm smiling so things are not too bad. He is a twit and I am a diamond lol

    Today is another beautiful day. Sooner or later I will meet the right guy. Until then the world is my oyster.

    Thank you again for your support. xxxx

  • sending lots of love xx

  • Dear Sewells1961

    Please don't think that it was you that did anything wrong. Obviously it was the man himself who did the wrong, to reject someone so sensitive, thoughtful and beautiful.

    Lupus can make our feelings more pronounced and at this time of sadness, it is easy to want to curl up into a ball. However, to get rid of the pain, it is important to relax and not get too stressed. Try to think positive and happy thoughts :-)

    Please don't think that you will never experience marriage. You have already made the step to socialise and allow someone to come into your life and God Willing, next time this will be the right person. It is clear that this man was not the right one for you, and he was cowardly to allow it to start in the first place - that's because I imagine you are such a nice person and are easy to fall for! Anyway, please don't allow this to demotivate you, it is much better that you discovered this now, rather than six months further into the relationship... then it would have been much more difficult. Lupus doesn't have to rule your life unless you let it and rejection comes to everyone regardless of whether they have Lupus or not!

    So... dry those eyes, be strong, doll yourself up and get back out there! :-P The right one will find you when you're least expecting it!

  • Thank you, thank you, thank you. My eyes are dry, my heart is strong. The guy is a twerp. As I have said to others that were kind enough to write to me. I'm worth much more. I am wonderful, beautiful,fun to be around and a good catch.lol

    So if I do ever meet Mr Right (if he exists) He will know he has a diamond in his life.

    Thanks again for the support. xxxx

  • Ahh I do feel for you, you never did anything wrong only the guy did that you shouldn't be so downhearted because this guy left because he obviously couldn't except the way you were a man like that isn't worth your time or company, what a loser this guy really is the first he hears something's wrong he bolts for the nearest door. I got diagnosed whilst I was with someone already and he hasn't left me yet and im sure wont he puts up with a lot from me and im grateful that's a person that will except you and its obvious you haven't found the right person but there's thousands in fact millions of men out there looking for a beautiful caring women like you in their lives and hopefully see past the lupus and see what your really like. I think its important you tell a man head on about your lupus before you go into anything too serious that way they can have a chance to either except you for the wonderful women you are or he can run like a coward. iv been with my partner 3 years and if a person is well educated about lupus they find a way to manage it with you just like my husband and if someone loves you enough lupus should just be abit of baggage.

    So as everyone else has said don't waste your tears over this pathetic guy who run as soon as you mentioned Lupus, pick yourself up again get your best clobber on and hit the streets like you were born too, the men will be falling at your feet and you will be able to find one that's accepts you ok

    All my hugs hope you get over this QUICKLY girl

    Danielle xx

  • Hey Danielle,

    Thank you for your support. Yes I am seeing everything for what it is worth today. The guy was/is a plonker and as I have said before in replies to others that took the time to write and support me. I know my own self worth and I am worth a lot more than the silly guy. Today is another day,the sun is out, the pain is not too bad today and my silly dog Pugster just fell off the sofa! So I am smiling.

    Thanks so much for your support. xxx

  • I understand your feelings of rejection, but this guy wasn't the one. This guy is making way for you to meet mister right for you, and when you meet Mr right for you, you will realise this. Just keep being your beautiful self and put yourself out there and you will meet him.

    Hope you feel better xxx

  • Thank you. I do actually feel better. Today is another day. I've realised the guy was an idiot and I believe in Karma. The guy's bad behaviour will come back on him one day. I know my self worth and am just going to live and surround myself with people who love me.

    Thanks again for your support. xx

  • Feel for you as this happened to me. I was with somebody for 3 years, then was diagnosed, he came with me to first hosp appts and even stayed at my house overnight when had my kidney biopsy to look after me. Then a few weeks later just stopped coming to see me - no explanation, we kept in touch and stayed friends. I think deep down it all scared him, which is understandable as he had watched his father nurse his wife for years, so at least he was honest and for that l thank him. Nobody wants to be in a relationship and feel a burden to their partner. I enjoy being single and independent and can please myself about what l do and with who. Enjoy this period of being single and as you are a positive person you will attract other positive people along the way. Personally l feel my Lupus has made me an even stronger person than l was before and made me value life and real friends even more. Don't try and change for anybody you are perfect just as you are .xxx

  • Thank you for your support. I have been single for at least 17 years and have enjoyed my independence as I still do now. I just thought that I had found someone to share my life with good and bad. But hey! Today is a new day, I know I can live and be happy with or without a life partner. I'm never going to change for anyone, I'm not perfect but I know my self worth and I am worth more than I sometimes think.

    Thanks again for your support. XX

  • I think you are so brave - and I really sympathise with you.

    I decided I wouldn't look for a relationship because of the lupus - I can't look after someone else and don't want anyone else to have the burden of looking after me. Making that decision means I avoid the horrible feeling of relationship breakdown, but the cost is that sometimes I am lonely - so I think it is amazing that you are brave enough to open your heart to the potential pain.

    It will pass. If he couldn't see beyond your illness, he's an idiot. Just hold your head high and stay strong.

  • Thank you so much for your support. I don't feel brave but today is another day and like you said. 'He is an idiot.'

    Thanks again x

  • Sewells1961 first of all: You are a Beautiful Woman & Second of all you DID NOTHING wrong!

    You were honest & open about having Lupus, which is a challenge within its self to open up about it. I admire you. And i'm sorry for your heartache. Please Don't block it up... you need to let it all out, so if you have to cry bucket loads then so be it (better out then in) Sending you a huge Hug & lots of Love xxxxxxxx

    *Don't give up, you WILL find love.

  • i was seeing someone just before i was diagnosed with lupus. i spent a lot of time going back and forth to the hospital which he did not like. he would sneer at me that i wasn't ill and that i was wasting the hospitals time even thou i was lying in a hospital bed. he would make comments that i was fat even thou i was on steroids. i lost my hair also and he would comment and say "just look at you, you look fat.". He would say things like "i prefer your mother,she looks better". He eventually stopped seeing me because he said that he did not want to be seen with anyone that was fat and ill. Fast forward to 2010. I had a transplant. Lost weight. Then i bumped into him and he started being interested again. I told him i wasn't interested. i had no desire to be with someone who only wanted me when i was healthy. i think that you have had a lucky escape. Better that he goes now than later when you might get ill. you may find someone who will stick around if you fall ill but until then take care of yourself. Don't worry about others. x

  • Hey Sandwiches what a f***ing pig that's horrible if someone said that to me ill or not I would put them in the hospital bed for the sheer cheek of saying such a thing when its clear im ill its good you got rid of the idiot what a rude guy he was cant believe its made my blood boil how terrible some men can be there's men out there for people who are looking who will take you on whatever you have wrong trust me I experienced that and you will one day.

  • Thanks for your kind thoughts. There are men out there that want women to look after them. I'm glad i wasn't one of them. obviously my illness scared him. at least i found out what kind of person he was before it got serious. There has to be someone decent out there who isn't afraid of a strong woman. Take care.

  • I am sorry you had that experience. There is really no evidence that your lupus had anything to do with this. He could just be afraid of commitment or immature. That's very common. There are many people with lupus who are married. Yes, it takes extra work if one person in a relationship has a chronic illness, but it can happen.

    The really important thing for you right now is to NOT stuff down your emotions or sweep them away. Your body is sending you that message, loud and clear. Buried emotions do not die. They come back stronger and nastier. Buried emotions literally affect gene expression and health. Stream of consciousness journaling is a very effective way of expressing and working through your emotions, especially the difficult ones. Write whatever comes to mind, no matter what it is. Sit and write for a minimum of 20 minutes. The only rule is to keep the pen moving. No thinking, no editing, no judging. Besides the benefit of expressing these emotions, you will find that you have embarked on a journey of self-discovery that will have a positive impact on your health for years to come.

  • Glad to hear you feel better. It's his loss and, very probably, your gain in the long run. Stand tall! Cyberhugs. xxx :)

  • Thanks everyone for kind words. Much love to all. I did feel like a whining ninny for a bit. But not a victim. But am a strong lady just lost myself for bit. Thanks again all. Xx :-)

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