for a long time I have kept myself single because of the way Lupus can make you not able to go out and have fun. How your mental state can become altered. Recently though I met a man who I thought would/could be the one I would like to try at a relationship with. I told him about Lupus and he was just so open to everything. This morning he dumped me.
He told me the same old adage that some men say 'Oh I like you but I'm not ready for a relationship'. I'm quite devastated to be honest. I'm trying to stay positive and just sweep all the emotions that I feel away from me. But it is so hard. I keep stopping myself from crying because I don't want to feel weak. I've come to the conclusion that I am never going to have the experience of marriage. Never going to be able to find someone to share my life with. Always will be alone. I don't get it. Even with this illness I am still a good woman, still desirable (I think). Still fun to be wth. I'm so upset but keeping it all down deep in my head. I can feel the pain in my heart passing into my joints, my muscles, my every nerve ending. Right now I just want to lay down and never get up again. I want the Lupus pain to just engulf me so that I cannot feel the pain of rejection. I feel like just giving up on everything.