Full of despair

I start my hydroxychloroquine in middle of October once eye consultant has checked my eyes. Steroid injection wore off last week ( it was my first one when diagnosed 19 August). Been plodding along since then.

Today been to gp, given antibiotics for abscess. Plus given fluoxetine as I'm so low, keep crying, can't bare crowds of people or metro trains (claustrophobia going crackers ) , I dont want to spend time with people, push my husband away, feel deeply sad, shaky and dizzy when leave house. I can't bare feeling like this. I told him I pray to not wake up in the morning, or I hope a car knocks me over as I just don't want to be here anymore. Then I think of my family and I feel so guilty for feeling that way.

Will this ever improve, will I ever feel like me, Rachel, ever again?????

5 Replies

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  • Hi Rach5,

    Well done for reaching out and discussing your low mood with your GP. I hope that you find the antidepressants help and you feel more like yourself again. Has your GP discussed the possibility of counselling with you too? Some people find this helpful in addition to the drugs treatment.

    We have a leaflet with more information about the support services that are available. You can view and download it here - lupusuk.org.uk/lupus-and-de...

    Please keep us updated with how you are getting on. I'm certain that the other members of this forum with provide you with plenty of support and encouragement.

  • He briefly touched on counselling. I'm seeing him again in 2 weeks and I'll ask more about it then.

  • Paul's reply says everything I would've, rach....am vvvv much feeling for you...and vvvv much relating to what you're going through...both counselling , and, during a few extreme phases, anti-depressants have helped me a lot.

    Hang in there. Courage...things can & will improve 😉😏

    Take care...and please let us know how things go

    ❤️🍀 Coco

  • I so relate to what you are describing - been there myself and it is hellish. In fact i felt shades of this again yesterday and like you I feel dizzy and disorientated (as part of my condition), push husband away and long to hide.

    But then today was a new day and things have improved greatly just from touching base with a new GP who was kind, being spoken to very kindly by my dentist and having a good friend nearby who also suffers from autoimmunity similar to mine to confide in and help.

    I did have counselling and in fact I contacted her again and she is happy to see me again once I head back north for six months to our old home. I'm lucky that my GP referred me a few years ago when I hit rock bottom and couldn't tolerate antidepressants. But I'm not inately depressed - it only comes secondary to the medicalisation of my life. If this sounds similar to how it is for you then I recommend talking therapy because it's so important not to become socially isolated due to having Lupus or Sjogren's.

    Talking to someone neutral who is neither a friend nor a family member can be brilliant because it makes it easier to be more relaxed in the company of those we love. So please do seek help as well as taking Paul's advice and of course feeling you can come here for advice and support anytime to be as open as you need to be.

  • Hi Rach 5,

    I was in same boat as you. I didn't want to go on. All I could think of were bad thoughts. Kept churning in my mind. Would not stop. I reflected on current stuff, past stuff, every bad decision I ever made in my life. It was a horrible time for me. It all started in early 2014 when I was diagnosed with RA. I went to counseling and it helped some. Then I started on low dose Zoloft and it helped too. I suffered for close to a year. Once I reached out for help, I improved in less than 6 months.

    Here are a couple of tips:

    1) Talk to yourself. If you have to, scream at yourself!!! When my mind would start going places I knew were bad, out loud, I'd tell it to stop. I could be driving down the highway and I'd be screaming at myself. You can train yourself to not go to those bad thoughts.

    2) Breathe deep. It's called belly breathing. You can learn how on You Tube. It's about breathing from deep down. It's not easy at first. Once you get it figured out, it is a good tool to use. When you feel low, or uncomfortable in a situation, try being quiet and close your eyes and breathe. In and out. If you are in public, don't close your eyes. Just do it. Nobody needs to know. This exercise really helped me.

    Please hang in there.

    Wishing you all the best,

    Amy

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