'I thought my C-PTSD was under control. I was wrong.'

[silentdreamer20]

Life is always a rollercoaster. Living with Lupus is something that I thought I would adjust to, but it's a lot harder than I thought. I figured, well, it's just a diagnosis. It doesn't change the symptoms I've had all along. But, it does. Being on the infusions dictates a lot (traveling and plans), I also get very ill about a week before them. While I am blessed to have the diagnosis and know what's going on, being more cautious and being monitored more closely... it's a lot. my hair is thinning and ironically, my husband's family still treats me like a hypochondriac. Funny, isn't it?

Over the summer we moved. During the process of looking for a place and deciding what we were going to do, I went into full panic mode. I thought my C-PTSD was under control, but I was wrong. I was so triggered by the idea of moving and not knowing who my neighbors were going to be. Who my neighbor's friends were going to be? Who were the neighbor's kids or their friend's kids friend's going to be? Were they all somehow going to be connected to my ex-husband? I was fully triggered. Night terrors were coming back, full-on anxiety, tremors. I mean, I sent myself into a Lupus flare. I told everyone it had to have been from moving and our trip that set me off, but being honest here, it was not knowing. I was terrified. I don't even feel like that word really describes how scared I was.

So, we found a place and moved in. We got settled in and eventually, everything calmed down. I got put on extra medication to help me gain the weight back that I lost during that flare and steroids to help the inflammation go down. I got used to where we are. I walked around a lot, met our neighbors and I feel like I adjusted pretty well. I like it here.

About two months ago my husband showed me that my ex-husband got arrested for drugs (again). Why? Why can't this man just go away? And then the mother of his child pops up on my "friends you may know" on my Facebook.

I spoke to his sister yesterday. No matter what went down between us, I still love his siblings. They were my siblings for years and years and they know what happened between us. They also know that I'm still petrified of him. She told me he is a lost cause. It's sad. Honestly, it's really sad. I have so many mixed emotions right now. I don't even know what I'm feeling as I'm writing this. I want to cry. And I don't know what to think about that. I don't even know who to talk to about this feeling because absolutely everyone would call me insane for feeling this way. They'd all ask me why I was even thinking about this.

How in the hell did he fall this far down? It's so sad!! He just had a kid, and he's still getting arrested for drugs. It's heartbreaking. I hate him, and I'm terrified of him. But I really did wish he'd get his life together one day. Get clean, and get to where he could be. I know he's a sociopath, but did that mean he had to fall so far down he never could get up?

Did I destroy him like he said I did? Did I do this to him?

Omg, that's what it is. Those were his words to me. And that's what I'm stuck on! See, writing does help!

I'm not even going to reread this. I'm just typing my thoughts and I'm going to post because no I'm in tears and I have to pull myself together to take my kid to the Dr. I'll be back in a bit.

Thanks, everyone!

[Nathalie99 Partner]

Hi silentdreamer20,

It happens unfortunately that big changes can trigger PTSD, or any extra stress.

Having many medical appointments and dealing with your symptoms is already a lot.

It means there wasn't extra capacity to handle more stress.

It happens to many people.

A lot of our members say that PTSD doesn't completely go away. I can only share my experience.

I think multiple stressful events, big changes as well as medical issues made my PTSD worse.

Some hormonal imbalances did that too, due to treatment that distorted their balance.

You did exceptionally well adjusting to your new place, going for walks and finding you feel good there. That is a huge achievement.

I think you ground out the origin of your trigger around ex-husband. It is do tough because we don't have control over what other people do in their lives even though the impact of their actions is huge on others.

I don't know if he actually meant it or was trying to put the blame on you.

My father was an alcoholic and he used to put blame on others. He would say things like it was other people's fault for him needing drinking or for making him angry.

I understand how traumatic these words are to you...but it is his life and his choices, too.

You did your best with the life you've got. Creating a new life, which is the most hopeful and beautiful thing.

He made his choices and even his sister acknowledged it.

I hope you can process more... it is a lot of emotions and I am so sorry...

You are very brave...

[hurtingheart1]

Hi I agree with Nathalie99 you are very brave and no you can’t blame yourself!! People hav to make their own choice who they want to be I don’t knw all your story but the fact that you are saying what you said tells me you are empathetic and that’s beautiful!! I struggle with those kind of thoughts to like did I make people treat me abusively because they told me I ouch them I’m too difficult I’m this I’m that and a ton of things I did to push there buttons that make them lash out at me! But I’m learning this is wrong no they hav a choice!! I really hope you are feeling better!!!🦋🌸💕

[caninecrazy]

Hello silentdreamer20 ,

I am new here. I too live with Lupus, since 2005. Only been diagnosed with ptsd last year.

I am unable to offer any advice but wish to send you a hug xx