an experience with bullying

[Agara33]

I haven’t had too many-not since I was 13 or so-and it’s a heart breaking subject. The place I was living in-well the outcome hurts…the thing that sparkled there were magical, talented women. And the things they went trough was the first time for me hearing and relating so clearly to what goes on inside myself-almost as if my own mind was split into 6 and reflected back at me-loneliness, burning need for truth, art and music, agonizing restlessness, a mind so fractured as to feel every current in the air-emotional, spiritual, dark-that skips beats and malfunctions and intense sensitivity and absorption of all that’s around-dissociation, over alertness, rejection, torture…the women were what made it a special constellation-but one of the women with her young age and whatever past brought a toxic energy-she pulled me into so much drama that I felt I had to distance myself-I am completely unfamiliar with people like this-she spoke about me behind my back to everyone, convincingly and charismatically, intimidated the other women in the house to not be close to me-dramatized how she was wounded by me and involved everyone when in reality I had only been kind and giving to her and she had behaved very harmfully to me. I felt like she was pulling strings there manipulating everything. After a few months of being away many women stayed in town and I thought it would be a great support system-but then again I sense in the WhatsApp group by peoples responses to me that she is cooking things behind the scenes-that she finds it impossible to have relationships with the same people-it’s her or me, and she’ll make it be her. I spent 6 months with these women intertwined with them-I held their hands and hugged them countless times. I gave from myself when I had nothing to give because I couldn’t bare to see someone in pain and in need. We were in the trenches together. And I don’t deserve this. She was afraid of her emptiness and that she would be abandoned because of it-and for some reason was in a fucked up competition with me-I guess because I left her. I don’t know-I’m happy to not have to deal with it anymore, and that people like this aren’t a pattern for me.

[SavingGrace Administrator]

Hi Agara33. Good evening, from the UK!

Having had a similar encounter with such fruitless "friendships & associates" in my past, which have created a legacy of doubt in trusting again, I want to reach out; because I know from my own experience how horrid and surprising such encounters can be.

I grew up thinking and believing everyone was well-intentioned and so, it was a big surprise to learn - as I grew up - that this is not actually the case in fact. Sadly.

And, sadly, I allowed such 'unworthy' people to hold a special place in my heart and my life in the years gone by. Thankfully, I have let them go and moved on decidedly. Yet, I appreciate deeply, the legacy of their impact that this can still hold... and so it does to me on many a day still.

I think the important thing to realise here is that you were not an 'obvious target'.. you were just - maybe the 'right' person in the 'wrong' place. What do I mean by that? (and I'm sure that I have gotten the analogy wrong here, so please bear with me please!?)... That it could have been any other person who would have become a target. And though it may feel as if you were a deliberate target, you were just in the 'wrong place, at the wrong time'...

The thing is with these types of people, is that they are the vulnerable ones and they seek someone whom they think is an 'easy' target. Unfortunately, sometimes, this means that they find their target with such folk as you and I - who are very open hearted and accepting... which makes them have to jump through less hoops to gain their sense of empowerment, through having a sense of win/control over another.

That is how I figure it anyhow.

Don't look at it that you were weak.. but that they were not strong enough to stand up to their own truth - which is a greater challenge, that the easier option of targeting someone really kind and accomodating.

It is an age-old pattern that is seen time and time again.

I, honestly, want to go thump the people who took aim at me (in response!). Yet I have had to learn hard and long, to reframe the scenario and to see how and why those people would have wanted to strike out at another - without any cause. It is their weakness and fallibility - not ours.

And it is so, so, so important to keep working on letting this go and processing the emotions and thought processes, so that our memory of those times is not about being 'their victim'... but, actually, being a patient, empathetic, compassionate, thoughtful person who was sadly, just in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Our open hearts does not make us an easy target - not at all. Be observant - continue to be patient - say your truth. Allow these awful folk to pass by... because they are honestly not worth holding on to in our concerns and inner fears. They really are not. And it is a challenge and life skill, to learn to let go of such projections from others. yes, I think that's it: they are projecting onto us/others and it's not ok nor acceptable - and so, it is ok to just say (even after the event - years after even), that you see them, note what they have done or said, yet you are rejecting their projection and their own fears onto you, because they are not acceptable.

I work on this every week, and I feel I am getting there - slowly- yet surely.

Keep on restoring your inner strength and core... you deserve this ultimately

sending blessings x

SG xx

[Agara33 in reply to SavingGrace]

thank you so much for your reflection-and I so agree—what kept me in touch I guess was feeling guilty and intimidated not to-but I see her for what she is now and she can’t use my compassion against me. It’s a loss for me to not be able to be in touch with the women from there, and a shame…sometimes I think she has so many resources I don’t have and because of her I’m losing the only one I did have…it’s sad. I hope I find that truth wins somehow…Thanks for sharing.

[SavingGrace Administrator in reply to Agara33]

I'm just so sorry, that you feel that you may have lost a whole support network. That's the power of bullies, and it is not ok.

Is there any way, I wondered, if you could connect with the individuals you personally resonated with, directly on another WhatsApp chat - independently or an alternative group chat? I know it's hard, because one bad apple CAN spoil the whole bunch. But I've tried to keep in contact with just two or three from my own university network, whom I trusted a lot more. The rest I either moved on from, or said goodbye to gradually/respectfully.

You never have to undermine your own ethics/standards/ways of being, when it comes to your own personal experience of life.

I have to say that I held on to the 'good' that I was (and so, the 'good' that you did for others) - without walking away completely and so, not to feel as if I lost out on that entire experience.

You invested so much. It's not ok to be expected to just walk away without having some connection, I feel. That's from my own experience, anyway.

The toxicity may not become apparent to many immediately, but as they grow older (hopefully wiser), they will I hope realise their mistakes and loss.

So if there is someone/ or some people within the group, which you connected with - I would hope that they have a connection to you of lasting legacy, that they will be willing to continue.

I wish you well - our lives are for living. When there's loss, it can be hard to find meaning - but I think you are strong and have a great capacity to find that greater meaning from things.

Sending blessings x

Saving Grace

[Agara33]

I hope as I get stronger her influence will seam dimmer-she really has an uncanny ability to convince and influence and spread poison, intimidating and demanding-bringing a lot of dark power-my one friend from that group funnily was not influenced by her without connection to me-she just didn’t find a point of connection, probably because she sensed that her intention was not clear…and another friend also still wants to be in touch though I found her much more distant once I broke contact with the first girl. I want better people, people who don’t enjoy other peoples energy-she’s actually one of the few people I met like this and I’m so thankful that an arrow in me points to genuine, creative, traveling souls-I left the WhatsApp group-I don’t want to be dragged into a competitive atmosphere of who is closest and who is most liked-I find it so odd, and yes a group of women you can be exposed with and supported by could have been amazing

[SavingGrace Administrator]

Well done for having the courage to leave and not look back, Agara33. I'm glad that at least one person 'spoke' to you on a mutual platform during this time.

And you will continue to find those good people - they may not be all in the one room at the same time, for the time-being... but it will happen as you now put that ask to the universe once and for all!