People would say healing takes time. But honestly with PTSD, sometimes you just stumble upon an issue that you didn’t know was there. Due to the complexity of how we process trauma, it seems like the brain keeps on surprising us with new struggles.
I intend this writing for a reflection.
Lately, I notice my impatience in healing and just keep on thinking about things that I haven’t done right. I felt upset with myself that I am still not the person who I want to be. This morning my caregivers (who abused me) contacted me for a meetup to eat. She’s still denial of the abuse and is refusing to acknowledge what happened. It angers me whenever she contacts me. I felt so much anger that my chest is tight and I thought to myself “how can I am even capable to hold such an anger?” But at least an anger is there as a cue for me to set boundaries with them. 3 years ago it would have been difficult to even acknowledge that I am angry because I was still living with them. A tightness in the chest was all I could notice. Being honest with myself and accepting my feelings was hard. But now, I can sit down with the most intense feelings and simply notice them come and go out of my body system.
I had come a long way. Despite these people who deny their abuses or its effects on me, I keep on listening to my needs. It was the hardest process. Despite of how scary it is to realize that I was abused, I kept on walking forward — creating the narrative from the past. I think, like many others here, I am trying my best and I am enough.
If you find yourself being impatient with your healing journey, this reflection acts as a reminder that I am on the same boat as you!