It's going awful. I hate being so sensitive to PTSD triggers. How PTSD affects my ability to do anything, from basic self care, to hobbies, not to mention work. Never had that. I hate being unable to build self efficacy particular, at a level that even if I'm not depressed or anything, I can't find motivation to do ANYTHING for any reason because I deeply feel that it would be useless, it won't turn out good enough - and this will hurt - and it won't bring me anywhere anyway. I'm full of things I'd like to do, but completely incapacitated. I was starting to make progress, damn it, then BLAM! A trigger. And it doesn't seem to go away. Not being able to do things is affecting my self esteem, my mood and anxiety. I'm scared of the person I live with just because she doesn't understand me and says stuff that triggers me. And the more I am affected by PTSD, the more she doesn't understand and comments, and the worse I am triggered.
I'm terrified for no reason. I AM SCARED every minute of my day. I'm scared of her and I'm scared of doing things. And I don't have energy for anything else besides being scared and trying to feel safe. I have projects to go live elsewhere, but I'm too wrecked to put them into practice right now. I'd need help, but I can't count on any family member, and lockdown doesn't allow me to count on friends. Trying to give a chance to various family members reminded me why I have PTSD and how I learned to do everything all alone even if it means dying. Please stay away from me when I have problems, I don't need more.
I feel stuck. And the most powerful thing I feel I can do right now is having faith that I will be strong enough to operate some kind of miracle and get out of that situation alone IN SPITE of the available "support". And try to talk about it to random strangers (edit: I mean here on the forum) and see if some of the weight magically lifts, I don't know
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The_wOnderer
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Don't talk to random strangers, unless you mean here in these kind of groups...your situation is complex an£ they could make it worse. I have been and am in exactly your situation, and I believe I am going to turn it around now...i have not had a safe place to live for years, from myself and everyone around me not validating the importance of it and the legitimacy of that need i kept trying to force situations to work that don't and destroying myself with trying so hard and getting nowhere. The last 9 months i have lived in an air bnb turned long term lease that isnt really liveable for a bunch of reasons but i wasnt strong enough to move again...the turning point is i got a therapist who echoes and supports my need for a safe home and is being supportive during the process. So i will take the jump to move to a safe place that i can shut the door and know i am safe and can get to everything i need. I really relate to so much of what you said and it helped me to read someone put it into words. I don't think you can get through without a safe sanctuary...i couldn't. I hope you can find some support to be able to get what you need and not be trapped.
Oh don't worry, I meant strangers on here, and even this is not 100% safe, but sometimes risks have to be taken 😄 exactly, "trapped" is the right word. I hope this turning point will be the start of something great 💪 we can do this. I'm more and more sure that my priority is getting out of here, even in pieces, it doesn't matter if "I'm not ready yet", staying here makes me feel less ready by the day. Enough hoping for better times, survival mode on, and I'll start packing up things... in 3 days if I'm still convinced. I have an appointment with my psychiatrist tomorrow, and psychotherapy the next day. I'll discuss things a little, then I'll start
Awww shady, I'm sorry you're feeling like this. Hugs... When I wrote I was getting better before the triggers, it's true. For the first time in life I started to experience just enough self confidence in what I did, that I was actually able to do it. Struggling, yeah, but I was doing things! It felt so great! I started keeping a behavioural diary where I set tiny goals for myself. The crucial thing was avoiding letting myself down: I had to help that tiny bit of confidence as much as I could. Every day I had my little successes, my confidence gew and I was able to do more the next day. I was starting to see how the things I did may (possibly) bring me somewhere in life. was so on a hype! So much that I shared my eagerness with the family member. Who promptly replied that she didn't care about what I did, because there were still things I left undone. Also, she didn't understand the hype, because most people achieve much more in a regular day. And she blocked me right away when I was trying to explain how I was thinking to make good use of the things I could do lately, to maybe earn a little money of my own (and that was a huge progress, science fiction up until then). She was surprised I even thought about that: she saw my outcomes, it would never have worked. So that was the start of my relapse. My frail self efficacy was cruelly smashed. Lesson learned: DO NOT SHARE WITH UNSAFE PEOPLE. Ever. Don't do it. Say it's your business, you have the right to choose who to open up with, argue, be nonsense, keep them distant, anything to protect the frailer sides of yourself that you're trying to build up and reinforce.
Also, I've noticed what mostly affects me positively is things that give me hope I can be useful and do stuff. Look for situations where you would enjoy participating and that give you a purpose. Extremely hard with covid, I know. I'm talking about any kind of volunteering or community you'd like to help or be part of. Find a cause to embrace. Before covid, a group of historical re-inactors came to me and told me they would have wanted me in their group. It gave me such a hype, I saw hope, I saw a door opening in my hopelessness, it changed my situation radically. Then covid... 🙄
What else? I would like you not to beat yourself up if you can't make anything of your time or of any opportunity you find. I have learned that there's a line of believing in yourself, past which you can jump on opportunities and make the best out of little challenges. Below that line, the struggle is immense. You completely lack motivation and energy, your head can't process good results and most things you do will end up making you feel worse. Your brain tries to protect you from the high risk of worsening the situation by keeping you paralyzed in fear. Although it seems you're not doing anything, you and your brain are actually doing the best they can to keep the situation as positive as possible. Try looking for anything, inside or outside you that may give you a little push beyond that self efficacy line, and don't beat yourself up if today it didn't work. It's ok. You can do this 💪
I'm so very happy if this gave you some ideas, validation or comfort. Good luck 🤗
Hi, I can empathize.
I've been having some lack of motivation issues lately myself.
I have lots of things I can be doing, yet no motion really to get going .
I'm thinking that isolation/ quarantine is playing a big part in my situation. It's given me premise to not get out and occupy myself.
I'm working on my claim for PTSD disability thru the VA.
Old triggers and memories causing a resurgence of dreams and flashbacks.
The combination of the two have got me in a go- no go mindset.
I actually have to force myself into action.
Otherwise I'd have as much dust on me as my furniture does..
I try to reason with myself about these issues, I tell myself that I have PTSD .... PTSD doesn't have Me. Sounds hokey, but if you think about it, it makes sense.
We're people who have issues and illnesses. Not the other way around.
We have to be stronger than our brains tell us we are.
Ahahahah "I'd have as much dust on me as my furniture does" 😂 yeah, quarantine takes away the external world part, that can present very good motivation and opportunities. So we're all alone with our struggling internal motivation, eh? We have to be stronger indeed. Don't worry, you can say everything about me, but not that I'm one likely to give up to psychological distress. Nope. Also, I definitely don't identify with my PTSD, it's really way less in control than it seems from the outside. Should my PTSD vanish tomorrow, I'd still be me. Lots of things would change, for the positive I guess, but I wouldn't lack anything. Besides the opportunity for further forced personal growth 😄 And nightmares I could write books about. Seriously. They're as interesting as they're horrible to go through. If only I could get my fingers on the keyboard...
I can relate, especially in the past, when I was 16 had to leave the house.
I am really sorry, The_wOnderer.
I can relate to not being able to finish major projects because of being sidetracked by triggers.
If you look for perfect solution it may not be possible just yet but maybe a stepping stone, just to get away from the family member.
That's the most important and might give you clarity, motivation and energy.
That feeling of "not feeling any difference" is truly awful and can get stuck for a while.
Maybe doing something else to get the triggers manageable first would help. If you can't do the projects then it doesn't make sense to push as it only adds more stress and ptsd symptoms.
Having a way of taking time for yourself without pressure, perhreading or watching something inspirational or going to a place that gives you ideas and motivation, can help.
Sending support and I empathise with your situation as I have some of a similar one when I got stuck for a while because I couldn't get out of triggers.
Heck, 16 is very early. I feel you. I got away from there as soon as I could and I'd rather be homeless than back with my parents. I'm trying not to push myself and just relax and feel safe, but it's not working perfectly... Yes I'm looking for inspirational stuff or things that may spark some positivity or hope, but no luck yet. I keep trying, I know one day, hopefully not too far, it will work. Problem is the family member said "I haven't been doing what's best for me for too long now" and soon she's going to "take action", which to my PTSD sounds like a terribile threat and it doesn't help my triggered state to heal. At all. Time to flee 😎 on the road again
Don't worry, I absolutely have where to stay. When my grandma died, last October, she left an empty house, some land to farm, some chickens and an empty place of fruits and vegetables seller. I already talked to all the family and they're happy with me settling there, I just didn't feel like I could handle moving home right now. But I guess every moment here is wasted, so... Problem is my crazy mother works around there and it's very likely to step by from time to time. But it would be MY PLACE, my rules. I just hope I can handle her
From your post you sound like a very strong person. You have been in this situation before and have pulled yourself up. You will get that miracle and move forward. Family and friend often just don't get it, so don't worry about them. Focus on the things that will help you heal. Accomplish small things and always acknowledge your accomplishments. You are worth every bit of effort!
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