Maybe it's all just karma...

[silentdreamer20]

Something recently triggered me. I started to write about it in detail and then erased it all. I can't bring myself to say it all where someone else can see it. I'm in therapy, and I feel like I'm doing really well. Then a little voice inside tells me, you aren't being completely honest. I'll get there eventually though. Sometimes I wonder if the therapist knows I'm not being completely honest. I talk more about current events... Touch on past events. Does that happen to anyone else? I come off like I'm doing really well, but inside I'm a little shaky with it all... I like appearing well, though. I don't know where to start with talking about everything. It's like, damn, let's start from 13 and work our way to now. But then my current life is a little messy with narcissists so it gets confusing. Sometimes it makes me feel like I have to be the crazy one. How can so much mess happen to one person? Maybe I just deserve it all. I hurt someone once and he told me everything he did to me was well deserved and karma would get me. That kinda stuck with me. Maybe everything that came next was just karma. I've never said that before... Not anywhere but in my thoughts.

[Hidden]

hi silent dreamer, you don’t have to share anything that your not comfortable with here. I did not share much of anything when I started here, except for a few select people who reached out to me and made me feel safe. Now I’m becoming an open book, for better or worse, as everyone here has something to offer you. Speaking truth to power to your therapist is such a constant struggle for me as well. There is only so much you can cover in an hour!! Sometimes talking to my therapist feels no different than going to lunch with a girlfriend. This is nice, but not the goal. I had to tell my therapist to challenge me more, without trying to offend her because I do love our talks but just not getting enough out of it. This has helped some although I just don’t think it’s her style to push. She prefers to be a good ear, loving support, but challenging me is not her thing I think. This kind of sucks in my opinion. Regarding Karma, I do believe in karma but seriously doubt you are receiving any bad karma from from one person who thinks you did them wrong. I believe it comes on a much larger scale than just one wrong doing to one person. Finding the “right” therapist is difficult. But remember this, they have heard it all! Nothing you can say will shock them, so get your money’s worth. Otherwise, what’s the point! I feel ya!!! 🙏❤️

[silentdreamer20 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you. I agree on the therapist front. I mean, I go in with an open mind and I do talk a lot. Which is why I think it's easy to feel I am being completely open. There is a lot that's happened in my life and I think sometimes it's easier to pass over some things than to get to the root of it. Or maybe it's just easier to not go into certain things because I kind of feel like what's the point? I've been in and out of therapy for a while. I do need therapy to help me through current events. I have narcissistic family members and they make me feel crazy sometimes. Therapy helps me cope with them- a lot! Everyone around me tells me how therapy has made me a different person, woo hoo! My therapist tells me that my depression is difficult because I'm one who can be in a crowd of people and appear to be having a blast, but inside I'm mentally in a corner alone. I hide internally a lot. I've been working on that though. I learned to do that at a young age and just got better as I got older. I guess being married to a sociopath also helped me grow in that area as well. I used to think of it as a gift. Especially when I got sick. I was able to attend family functions and outings with a smile on my face and participate, and then (for example) after hosting a party and everyone left I went to the emergency room. No one had any idea I was in that much pain. It's just who I am. I am struggling getting out of that...

[Hidden in reply to silentdreamer20]

Geez, are you sure you’re not my twin? I am exactly the same. Hold it together while everyone is around then completely lose it afterwards. It’s all becoming too exhausting but it’s so refreshing to know that someone else suffers as I do. Therapy is great; just “hoping” for more in depth answers to deep seated problems. Yes, where to start?!! It’s a process I guess. Thanks so much for sharing and we must keep comparing notes. Your story fascinates me because you took the words right out of my mouth! And that’s pretty rare in my book. Always here for you. 👍🙏❤️

[silentdreamer20 in reply to Hidden]

Thanks so much! It is nice to know there is someone out there similar to myself. I would love to chat sometime.