I nearly lost my job.. again ...I didn't!

[Knowntofallreg]

I have complex and on top adult PTSD, I lost control and I fell, I understand that this will happen and I shouldn't be to hard on my self, the storm is always there and I was doing so well managing living in the calm eye of the storm. But I got knocked off a bit with contracts at work and the constant tiredness lol, and I'm not sure if this is the same for others. but once it starts to go it snowballs and I have a crash and then have to pick it back up again. But this time I didn't destroy everything and I didn't talk or walk out of the job or get angry and say something. The anger.. its like swells cursing through every cell. I don't like to be angry but I know its always there. I don't want to see everything and hear everything and react to everything that happens around me, I want to be able to concentrate for actual periods of time without having to fight. You know For once when I wake up in the morning it would be nice to not have to work and manage and rationalize and counter argue just to get through the day. But I will.

I am working full time 5 months now, after coming back from 2 years under home hospital care. I'm so tired, managing things to be in front of people, I know at times I have failed.

It was too big, too much, the storm was too loud. But I will keep moving forward.

And tomorrow I will go back into work. And the next day. And this time I won't burn it all when I crash. I don't want to start again. I've had to do it too many times. I figured writing this here would help in some way to cement my resolve.

I can manage this, I can control this, and I will.

[Nathalie99 Partner]

You are so incredibly strong, Knowntofallreg.

I admire you for fighting although I too wish it didn't have to be so much fight. I have been through this.

The stress of life can trigger PTSD unfortunately.

I hope you can just take care of yourself and do something nice for you...or imagine a safe place.

Sending my support...

[Knowntofallreg in reply to Nathalie99]

Thank you Nathalie99, I secured my job today and was open and honest, I seem to have actually found an employer willing to understand and work with mental health. So I think I've secured security. I've lost so many jobs because of it.. it is the stress of life throws you off and triggers. I try to keep my self to myself a bit but life is always life which = stress lol

[peacefulandcalm Encourager]

good for you Knowntofallreg, you are doing fantastic! Your self talk is excellent, great job to you....I hope it is better days <3