just needed to get this out somewhere

[anxiouslyy]

hi everyone. i just needed to talk. i dealt with a really toxic relationship a few months ago and after it i thought i was having progress but i’ve recently been facing a lot of issues. i’m completely over him, he doesn’t have any impact on my life anymore but my emotions seem to be stunted. it’s like even when i try to listen to music I feel all anxious and i shut off. like my body is just not receptive to anything that could trigger emotions anymore. i shuffle played all my music and this song that makes me cry every time i listen to it came on and i just didn’t even recognize it. it’s like a disconnect between me and my emotions like i feel so shut off. I just don’t enjoy life anymore. i really want the old version of me back before i was emotionally abused. i keep trying to see it in a positive light like it’s just my feelings trying to protect themselves from being hurt again so it’s just an extra level of security but honestly I’d much rather be vulnerable and be able to actually enjoy my life. i also just feel so anxious when it comes to forming a close bond with people even though they’ve done nothing to prove that they’re untrustworthy. i just never feel like replying to my friends texts until usually 24 hours later. that’s when i finally bring myself to do it because I feel too guilty. i just keep making excuses for why i shouldn’t respond right now with things like “oh i have so much work i should get it done first” or “im with my family rn i cant use my phone” “im not in a good mood rn to give good responses to everyone so ill just try later and watch tv now” and then it ends up being a 24 hour gap between messages that i usually answer in the middle of the night at 12-2 AM. and i’m just realizing that maybe subconsciously the reason i don’t feel like replying quick is because im too anxious to form any close bonds again. as much as i yearn to have close friendships and relationships, all that i can think is “ill have everything i want in the future i don’t need to stress about it rn”. it’s just all excuses and now that im writing it im realizing all the excuses my head makes for me to cover up the fact that i just simply cant bring myself to be vulnerable with anyone. even if i talk to my family too much i need a bunch of isolation time to make up for it. and that’s fine like im naturally an introvert so it wouldn’t even really bother me regularly, but what does bother me is that i cant even enjoy my alone time. that’s what really is bothering me right now and why im even wasting time writing and posting about it. it’s not about other people, it’s about me and the fact that i cant even relax when i’m by myself or be receptive to my own emotions. every time even a hint of feelings or emotions enters me this little touch of anxiety comes into my stomach and erases everything else. it’s a horrible, horrible feeling and i just really want it to go away and to start from square one again. it sort of feels like i can’t be the confident person i was before even by myself.

[Lindyloo53 Volunteer]

I have not seen you on the group before so welcome to the group. The disconnect between emotions and the here and now f9r me is dissociation. It is just like you have written of. It’s ok to have time away from your family and to isolate as long as this isnt causing you further pain or keeping you disconnected from your emotions. Are you seeing a therapist at all? It has been important for me as I’m prone to minimising the harm that has been done to me that caused me to split off and dissociate so much. It’s like my weekly check in with myself. I wish you well on your recovery journey.