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[WhirlyByrd]

Hi everyone, I'm new to this group and also new to the discovery that I have CPTSD. It took me a long time to find out that my childhood, which I always knew was toxic and chaotic, actually had an effect on me. I always told myself that I wasn't "really" abused and others have had it way worse so I shouldn't complain and just suck it up.

But that was part of the kind of trauma that I experienced. Negative emotions from me were never allowed - no matter the reason. Which gave them the power to do or say whatever they wanted to me but make it my own fault for feeling anything but happy after each event.

I was supposed to be tough, more mature, more put together.

I played that given role my entire life. I now realize that, because I have kids who I would never in a million years do to them what was done to me, that I was in fact abused. Not sexually, but mentally and emotionally. I'm not naming the person but they have also tried to physically hurt me on a few occasions.

So I am learning my triggers. I was diagnosed only two months ago. I'm in the middle of "mourning for my childhood" as my counselor says.

I'd like to hear from others about their healing process, what that looked like for you personally, what helps or helped you to "move on". Is "moving on" even real?

[SavingGrace Administrator]

Hi there WhirlyByrd and welcome to this forum’s community. It’s always good to share your truth with those who get it and understand. It helps to know that others are nearby and supporting.

I just wanted to say that I understand how it is that we may play a part; one that keeps us strong enough through the difficult times until comprehension is feasible. That too, this time can make one mourn for ones lost time... I mourned a lot for my childhood - for other reasons, but I empathise with the grief and the stage you are going through.

How are you, are you ok??

I hope that you may find reasons to be renew your inner will to grow and thrive.

Sending you blessings xxxxxx

[WhirlyByrd in reply to SavingGrace]

Thank you for replying first of all! Also, thank you for asking if I am ok. I am up and down with more down days lately. I have CPTSD but also just recently found out I have ADHD. So, everything is seeming more overwhelming.

But sticking to the CPTSD, I go through multiple emotional stages in a given week. Mostly sad/depressed because of the negative thoughts "Such as - there must have been something wrong with me", "I'm just not enough, I never was". I try to rationalize why out of my two other siblings I was the one who was abused. But there is no logic that does not make me either more sad or transition to anger. It's exhausting. I can see I'm exhausting my husband too, because he is feeling helpless. He doesn't know what to do and I feel guilty for causing him any stress or sadness.

I'm working on being ok. I'm in school - my ambition has never left. I just hope to feel "normal" or content some day. But the thought that that may never happen for me is terrifying.

Even just writing this, right now in response to you ... causes me guilt. Talking about anything that's not kosher or polite small talk is difficult to do. I can't help but feel burdensome.

[SavingGrace Administrator in reply to WhirlyByrd]

It is really hard to take that first step in sharing our souls pain, but I think that everyone here would agree and recognise that this is a great big brave step.

I have to say that I too found it hard to divulge my world to ‘this’ forum at the start, because of feared judgement and backlash, which had been my peer experience for so long during my educational years. Thankfully 😅 I was delighted to find a unified and gloriously supportive forum here, where I have learnt to share my emotions and experiences more freely. It’s something that has meant so much.

[designguy]

Hello WhirlyByrd, here is my answer to someone else recently on this forum with a similar question:

I was raised in a strict religious environment and bullied as a teen. I consequently developed social anxiety disorder. A number of years ago I was diagnosed with C-PTSD. I tried numerous types of therapies but what helped me start to recover was reading Pete Walkers book "Complex PTSD From Surviving to Thriving" and working with a therapist who specializes in treating trauma and utilized EMDR therapy. I have also found "The Work" by Byron Katie to be very helpful in that most of us with C-PTSD have distorted thinking. Learning all about C-PTSD, understanding why and how you developed it and getting the appropriate treatment are keys to recovery. As one of my therapists said, "it's never too late to have a happy childhood".

[WhirlyByrd in reply to designguy]

Thank you for the advice and the reading suggestions. I’ll read them thanks to you.

[designguy in reply to WhirlyByrd]

You're welcome, hope it helps.

[Beingindependent Volunteer]

Welcome to our group. This is a safe place.

I found one on one therapy to be very helpful to process the memories

Reading books. This group. Writing in a journal.

Time. Confronting the individual. Patience with myself.

May you find your path.

[Nathalie99 Partner]

Hi WhirlyByrd,

Welcome to the community and thank you for your sharing.

I can relate to feeling that others had it worse and I thought I was okay for many years until something triggered things so bad.

I think sometimes I underestimated things and their impact on me. I was coping until I wasn't and I needed help.

I think in perspective it is possible to move on from the events but the triggers stayed with me even after I thought I had moved on.

It is important to address those triggers because they can make things very difficult and take over. Some of them are easier to work through, others are really very deep.

It's something that is individual and if there are multiple traumas, one can trigger the other.

I think it's really important to know how much we can face and when to take a break because with complex trauma it is not just one thing.

I do believe in healing as for me facing it was really necessary because I ran out of coping ways and there was no other way but through. But for others it might be too confronting at times so it needs to be a very careful process.

Wishing you all the best in your recovery...

[Shy_Guy]

Welcome to the group. You are not alone with this stuff. It is much easier to deal with the triggers with others.

I grew up with crazy people and had to grow up fast. I was the oldest so I had to be a man by 8. It was a lot of pressure for a young person to be strong all the time.

I thought I was good at it. It worked for a while but it caught up to me pretty suddenly and my own alcohol and drug use made me crash and burn. All this did open me up to therapy and self help groups so I guess it was a good thing.

I was able to marry and have children that did not receive any abuse or other crazy behavior from me. My two boys are pretty normal because I got help early enough.

[WhirlyByrd in reply to Shy_Guy]

I grew up fast too. I became a caretaker early on for my younger sister and for my mother when she was sick, didn’t get out of bed for months. I had a dad and older brother but they were both hiding away from whatever was going on inside our house.

[MausenMumma]

The idea of 'mourning' my childhood sounds good to me. Narcissistic mother, I was scapegoated. Just beginning to understand. X

[Nathalie99 Partner in reply to MausenMumma]

Hi MausenMumma,

Welcome to the community.

You can look up some posts from Stilltrying_ on the subject of a narcissistic mother and also a lot of though provoking posts from Ellen6

Let us know how you are doing...

[WhirlyByrd in reply to MausenMumma]

I was the scapegoat too. I’ve since realized that, after the mourning, I no longer was seeking the mother I wish I had. That was a relief by itself.