Can’t Calm Down

[mcginnmx]

( Triggers: survival guilt, CoVID 19, blood)

Sorry guys I am not all the way up but my anxiety is skyrocketing excuse my grammar. Okay, let’s get to the point... I have survivals guilt not from Covid but it started my freshman year of high school. My friend who grew up died from the same flu I had we both ran 104 F for 3 days. He did not survive. It kinda broke me. Let’s fast forward to 2018 years out of high school. All in one year I lost my cousin,uncle, dad, second cousin, and great uncle all in one year. Now do to Covid 19 I lost one of my uncle’s ( who no one cared for but I am just saying this cause I don’t grief) my uncle who is in N.C. has coronavirus, and my step father who is traveling.An here I am stuck in Florida, working in a thrift store mind you with an autoimmune system,2 anemia’s, high anxiety disorder, elderly parents and of course PTSD. Now mind you this isn’t my choice to work but I need the money for my meds and if I leave I won’t get unemployment. Now here is the kicker few weeks ago I had a mental break down AT WORK and cried to the point I wanted to throw up ( kinda what my meds are for but I can’t take to many cause it is a sedative and it will knock me out and I got to drive home)Nobody really cared.... A couple of days I lashed out at my manager ( which was honestly me speaking out cause he wanted me to use a Machinery that I can’t use without training and if I got hurt OSHA would have a field day) I been working understaffed for about two months my body is ready to give up ( back pains (( which isn’t good cause I have issues with my back was in a really bad car crash)), heat stress, carpal tunnel) mind you I am only 28!. I just don’t know what to do people aren’t staying 6 ft away and wearing a mask. Even our governor wants people to bring back Disney and open up schools. My anixety is at a all time high to the point I am starting to see visions of what happen over again and a very weird vision that I had when I was dealing with 2018 incident( it is like I am standing in a river of blood and hands are trying to grab me and pull me down) I try and shake this off. But I feel like I am not grounded anymore this is effecting my physical health by stress eating ( which is really hard to control now but I am doing my best with portions and exercise) body pains and mental health with my ptsd. I just don’t know what to do now ... I am trying to be patient and wait for the state to lock down on its own but day by day. I see how little people care about people like me the autoimmune and the elderly family. Is There anything you guys could suggest to help me ground myself again when I am at work ? ( kinda hard to take deep breaths through a mask in a really hot warehouse with another covering over the mask) help me with my sleeping issue of going to bed so early and waking up late at night with stress eating cravings? To stand people’s ignorance without going off the edge especially when they call COVID a hoax? And how to get out of “ fight mode” ?I know I can’t fight this with my anemia’s and my family sake on the line and I won’t flee from this when it effects my family (and to be deeply honest I didn’t even wanted to make this post but I now know I can’t do it alone anymore... help..)

[Nathalie99 Partner]

This is a very stressful situation, mcginnmx.

I am so sorry that you are in this position.

With all the losses you had and the friend who died of the same flu, this current situation is bringing up all the triggers.

And your vision is to some extent familiar to me because I had a dream about someone when I was a child and it's closely related to one of my big traumas.

I have issues with breathing through the mask with panic attacks and I understand how difficult it is. My husband is immunocompromised and I have a lot of anxiety while shopping etc and people do not always do the social distancing. I am healthy but I worry about him.

I think everyone has different coping ways so you might have different ideas about how to cope when you have an anxiety attack again. I try to find a quiet place away from people to be able to breathe and I stay there until I get myself more calm. I do call my husband even though he won't be able to help me directly but having him on the phone at least means I'm not alone. He helped me a lot through different very challenging things and it's comforting to talk to him.

Having someone to talk to through those moments might help you.

There are very scary moments but I try to get myself grounded by looking at something or listening to the sounds and I'm telling myself I'm strong and I can do this. It only helps to some extent.

When I feel weak, scared and helpless I try to remember the brave things I've done.

I know it's life and death situation and it is very tough but I can only do my best and what I can. There are times when it's needed to take rest and feel safe so that the nervous system can rest.

In some ways for me it is safe inside so I am trying to find that feeling safe every day for a little bit and rest so that I can function, facing triggering situations.

I face a moment at a time and when I can't face it, I take a break. I don't know if it's going to be possible but you need to take care of yourself so it is good that you stood up when you were asked to do something you shouldn't have to.

I often overworked myself and people commented how my health would take a hit if I didn't take care of myself.

I guess sometimes we need to know our limits and stand up for ourselves.

Stay safe...sending you a hug...