When is enough enough !? How much more can I take !? What else ? *trigger warning*

[Poohbear76]

Having just reconnected with my younger sister I found myself been told things that I was happier not knowing.

She told me that our mother ( who is now dead) was complicit in my sister been sexually molested. She remembers her leaving her in her bedroom with a man shutting the door and turning off the light. I suffered sexual abuse but had no idea that my sister had. I know our mother was physically abusive and mentally and made me watch open as I child.

Knowing all this this new information has hit me hard my psychologist always suggested that my mother knew that she was leaving me with a pedophile. I a am so hurt angry and upset . It makes me want to be sick I am back to having nightmares. I hate the idea that I am genetically half of something so vile! It's breaking me....

[graceful001]

Hi Poohbear, I can totally relate to your situation as my mother was also complicit in my abuse. It’s been so hard dealing with the realization that my younger-self was not protected by the adults that I depended on, trusted, and needed to take care of & love me.

Do you have a close relationship with your sister? It’s really good that you’re opening up to each other about this. And that you’ve gotten some counseling. Right now, you need to be with people that are supportive and understanding.

Have you heard of the online forum HAVOCA? I recommend it as it deals specifically with PTSD from child abuse. You will find many, many people who can relate to your experience. You’re not alone!

Be kind to yourself, the child in you. S.he needs you right now ❤️

[Poohbear76 in reply to graceful001]

I agree completely ! I feel so angry for the childhood that was denied to me. The softness of been looked after and loved and protected. The feeling of safety and security of nice clean clothes provided. The things that as a child you should be able to take for granted. I

I don't have a close relationship with my sister I don't trust her. Unfortunately. I am going to have a look at HAVOKA when I am feeling a bit stronger.

[Shy_Guy]

I am so sorry this happened to you. I know it is difficult but at least you know the truth. Does not make it much easier but the truth is better than trying to wade through all the lies. Healing has a better possibility when it is the truth. I feel for you.

[Poohbear76 in reply to Shy_Guy]

Thank you.

[Nom-D-Ploom]

Your genetic code does not include crimes and malicious acts. Those are hers to take to the grave with her.

The idea of dealing with the one who harmed us is as natural as breathing. We want it to be made right. It leaves us feeling forever on a ledge, never being able to move on when death protects them from our justifiable rage.

"Vengence is mine," says the Lord, "I will repay." People say that a lot, and it is true. People also say that to forgive is divine. BUT is that the whole story? I propose that it is not.

The last book of the Bible contains a story of a lot of souls begging, "How long do we have to wait for justice? When will you punish the ones who killed us?" Desiring recompense is normal and expected.

Our inborn instinct to seek justice demands that the crimes unknown prior to their deaths must also be punished.

The good news is that payment will be required, and the sentence is much worse than whatever we may have fantasized that it could be. Death is not an escape for the unrepentant child torturers. It is just the beginning of the after-life sentence.

[Poohbear76 in reply to Nom-D-Ploom]

Hi thanks for your reply I am not sure if my mother is been punished in a after life of not. I think the sad thing is that she died alone and was homeless. It is really distressing to think about the last few hours of her life, in fact the last years.

I find it hard to imagine anyone sinking any lower how can I not feel like she paid.

My justice is breaking the cycle living my children, living all the parts of myself. Mostly listening to my inner child and allowing her to grieve.

[brokeninpieces]

Please don’t think of it as half genetically HER. GOD gave us choice . Even if you don’t believe in god.I was molested by my dad from the age of 3 to 14 on a daily basis. I told and nothing was done. One visit for him to psychiatrist slap in the hand and we moved town to town . Was also beat until we bleed I have 4 brothers. Non of them got molested by him. I thought I didn’t want a child because of genetics . But that was the best thing I ever did . I’m just saying that an evil vile nasty sick person does not define OUR inner soul what makes us who WE are ,and what we choice to do . Although the damage is done with the side affects like depression PTSD insomnia anxiety feeling worthless Ect,, but please don’t judge yourself like that and give them that Power over you. Only you have that kind of power over YOU. I wish you the best it’s a long journey . My husband of 24’yrs just left me and my 13 yr old daughter now 15 . For an13 yr younger co- worker Barbie .TRIGGER! But deep down I know it’s not me because “I’m damaged” at the end of the day he’s an butthole

[Poohbear76 in reply to brokeninpieces]

Thank you. I know deep down that I have broken the cycle and am nothing like mother. I think that it was the shock that got me thinking about just what else I had blocked out. I have been blessed with five children and the thought of harming them has never entered my brain. I still love my mother as her end dying alone was sad if fitting. The verbal abuse she would rant at me and the name calling horrible vile things she did, I survived. I always thought that I was a ugly unlovable child it took therapy to learn I was not. I now listen to my inner child she is very angry and when I feel low she is the me I feel most.

I am sorry that your husband is a "butt head" your right it is not because your "damaged" marriage is for life he should have treasured you his loss x

[NeuronerdDoaty]

Your mother did a horrible thing. What put her on that path? What horrible things let a Mother’s mind dismiss all the warnings in her head? I’m so sorry for what happened to you and your sister. I don’t think you can compare yourself to someone you don’t know though. You aren’t vile. She was broken and had severe dissociation at the very least. This is your life to make it what you want. She’s gone. There is no part of her illness in you.

[Poohbear76 in reply to NeuronerdDoaty]

Thank you my mother was a alcoholic and just very cruel I

do not think she was capable of love.

[SavingGrace Administrator]

I'm so sorry for your trauma and failure of a parent to trust and provide you with the supportive environment that, as a child, you needed. I can not imagine what you have been through - wishing you healing and true recovery.

[Poohbear76 in reply to SavingGrace]

Thank you I am feeling stronger today trying to look forward and be kind to myself x