Worried about my husband

[wifeofPTSDspouse]

He has PTSD and i don't know how to fix things for him. I love him so very much. I'm worried because the PTSD makes us fight a lot and because I don't understand and i don't handle it well at all. But i want to help and i want to be his support system. Please help me with your comments. I need to know what he needs what would help him.

[AnyaC]

Oh, honey, you are such a caring wife to want to understand! I'm not able tonight to be able to give you clear-cut answers to your questions, but I know there will be others who will. PTSD is one of the hardest to understand. There are so many aspects of it, and most of us here will have the gambit of all of them! My symptoms and triggers and needs are different than others here, but between us, I pray that we can help you understand.

The one thing I will tell you - try to understand that he's not the same man he was before PTSD. His brain is different. It's rewired itself to deal with the trauma(s), and it makes him act differently than before. He needs to feel safe with you, that you won't trigger his PTSD, that he can be himself without fear of losing you. Many of us here have lost many who were important to us, distanced because of the traumas we deal with every day. For tonight, that's enough. Love him regardless, listen to how he really feels and why he's afraid - he may not be able to put it into words, but if he can, let him know he's safe enough with you to be able to talk to you about it. Let him know you're there to hold him together as long as he needs, and longer.

He is such a blessed man to have you beside him! Hang in there.... help is on the way. <3

[SavingGrace Administrator in reply to AnyaC]

Can't add anything more to what Anya writes here.

Unconditional Love.... So they can trust in life.

[Hidden]

Anya makes a lot of good points. Several comments from me.

1. You can't fix him. He needs to want to be fixed himself. That takes a lot of hard knocks before he will get to that point.

2. Look for incremental improvement over years and months, not days and weeks.

3. Learn his triggers. My dear wife is one of the biggest sources of my triggers. She doesn't mean to do that. To be blunt, a lot of it centers around the time of the month. When you aren't feeling well or are grumpy and maybe not nice, tell him so.

4. You don't mention the cause of the ptsd. That would make a big difference on advice in my opinion.

5. I truly believe the ptsd sufferer needs to be broken before getting better. We try desperately to control our lives and avoid pain. That makes us harder to get along with and more argumentative.

6. When he's having a hard time ask him what he needs. Don't presume. if it's space, listen.

7. There are days he probably feels nobody loves him or cares...even you. Live with it. Don't press.

That's a start based on my opinion.

[BearTree]

All I can add is to say, remember that PTSD is a physical injury to the brain. There is no such thing as "getting over it" or "moving on" quickly. Expect a long journey, so neither of you develop unattainable expectations. Then, as others say, identify his triggers and do what you can to minimize exposure. Meditation, EMDR therapy, regular exercise, excellent nutrition, acceptance and love, lots of time. Those are the remedies I know of.

Best wishes to both of you.