Weary

[Jwyatt]

It is so exhausting to pretend happiness. I miss my husband, he comitted suicide. He was abusive to me. But i loved him. His illness, manic depressive, was to blame for almost everything. I'm broken, my kids are broken, and no one seems to understand. No one to talk to, they dont want to hear it, hell ,it makes no sense to me either.

Im weary.

[jackie-wright]

Weary..........I am so very sorry for what you are going through. Its not fair for you or your kids. Its really hard to know what to say other than I'm sorry. But that somehow just doesn't cut it when your hearts been ripped out. I can totally understand why your weary. You have every reason to be , that and more. When your being abused some would say it doesn't make sense that u would miss him because he hurt you? But I'm sure the man that hurt you is not the man that you fell in love with. Mental illness is so cruel, because it takes someone that we love and care about and turns them into someone that we no longer recognize. I know that you probably feel like you have to be strong in front of your kids, but I don't understand why u have to wear a fake smile. U should be able to express how you really feel. Which I'm sure is devastated, and full of all kinds of different emotions. One minute you want to cry, and the next your putting the milk in the cupboard, and laughing at yourself only to get stark raving mad because u cant remember where you put your keys. Grief really sucks!!! If you don't have anyone to talk to, please come here and share . People who have been through maybe not the same thing but close will be here to help u through it,, Just keep reaching out. You have to take care of you, and u cant keep all those emotions bottled up inside, because sooner or later they will come out, Big hug, and I will say a prayer for you. <3

[Lindyloo53 Volunteer]

Sounds like you need grief counselling. Yes people can be horrible to you and treat you appallingly but you can still GREIVE. You may even be grieving for what you wished you had?

[red85]

The only thing worse than feeling bad is feeling like you're not "supposed to" feel bad. I think we need to declare a moratorium on the word "should."

Let it out--even if it's ugly and awful--let it all out.

[Jwyatt]

Thank you, everyone. Today is going to be hard. I need to take care of some legal issues. Never in a million years did i think i would be here. I need to muster up strength, and serenity.

The fake smile; that is because the people around me love me and they worry when i dont smile. I am their sunshine, can always count on me to loft them up. They are here for me today, i hope they can understand why my smile has taken a vacation for today.