Troubled.

[marikapaprika216]

Hi, I'm Marika, I am 20 years old, and I am struggling. A lot. And I am afraid to reach out. I was diagnosed with ptsd when I was really young, from neglect, possible sexual abuse when I was like 3 years old in foster care.... I'm 20 and I'm just starting to experience the emotions that come with PTSD. I have panic attacks every day, I'm so depressed it's hard to leave the apartment complex, but when I do, I do not want to come back.... I am experiencing so much inward anger and self hatred and I feel like I don't know who I am... when people hurt me, or hurt my feelings, I don't see the problem, like for example, not too long ago, I had a really serious relationship for like almost 2 years, and I was going to marry the guy, but he was abusive and made me feel like there was something wrong with me and would walk all over me and make me "do things"... and I thought there was something wrong with me, and I let him walk all over me, and now like I'm out of that, and all safe and stuff, and I'm just angry I let that happen, but for the longest time, I just denied that I was angry about that, and just never dealt with it, same with the neglect and stuff from foster care, and I feel really misunderstood... I can't talk to anybody at home, because there's no real support, it's always: "figure it out", "deal with your stress" "manage it"..... I often feel like I'm going to explode and I know I have to work though these emotions, but I am having so much trouble and I used to hurt myself when I was younger, I seriously don't and I got counseling for it, but I have so much self hatred, I never got around to forgiving myslef for any of the mistakes I've made and the people that I've hurt their feelings, I feel hopeless and I'm posting because I know I'm not alone. I'm alive and on this earth for a reason, my life has purpose and I want to get better I want to get through this and it's a big earth with lots of broken people like me that are going through similiar situations, I feel weak and broken and I need help because I am hurting and I really want to get better and stop being so angry at myself and forgive myself and stop being afraid, I want to learn how to love and feel what attachment and trust and what a non-superficial relationship feels like. I want to stand tall so noone thinks I'm an easy target to be taken advantage of. I want to start eating again, see the beauty in the good things.... Everyone has their own battles to fight, I dunno.... I'm just reaching out. I know someong will understand.

[IChoose]

I'm so excited for you and love your post. Of course, you want to try more trauma shrinks and get back into therapy. Time passes quickly, and you are young enough to commence healing and be on your way to a life you could never have imagined. Dream all the things you'd like to see in your life when you're 30. Take good care of you - you are so precious.

[Hidden]

Hi, I'm sorry you're feeling like this, but I really understand.

Often when I'm feeling really full up with emotions I need to sit down and do some breathing exercises. Perhaps you could try some mindfulness and give yourself a break from feeling all this, it must be tiring for you. There are some mindfulness apps online you could try if you don't already have one.

Having PTSD is all about managing, so yes, you do have to manage it but that doesn't mean you have to be alone and doesn't mean you have to hold everything in all the time.

It's good you've realised you're struggling with self-hatred at the moment. A lot of people who have experienced abuse feel a lot of anger that they direct inwards, on to themselves. They express it with self harming and suicidal thoughts but that anger is at the people who hurt you.

You did nothing wrong when you were a child and, as an adult who has had these experiences, you were vulnerable to further abuse but they wasn't your fault either. Why not try writing a flow chart of where your anger is coming from, get back to the source of it. Don't write big monologues, just a few words in a box then draw a line to the next box. You'll probably find that your anger stems from the abuses you have suffered and that really you're angry at them.

I know you've probably already been told this but it's good to keep remembering it.

The people you say you have hurt may have already forgiven you or forgotten what 'wrong' you did to them, so please, try and let it go. If you need to write your feelings on a piece of paper and throw it away. Where I live there are lots of cliffs. I tried this and wrote all my feelings down. Then I tore it all up and scattered it on the wind and as I stood there on the cliff edge I felt as if a weight had been lifted because I realised I was carrying around all this anger and hatred and I didn't need to. So I let it go.

I'm sorry if what I've written isn't helpful, it's just the things I've been told myself.

We are here for you, and we will listen.

Let me know if you try anything that helps. 😀

[positiveandcalm]

I understand!

We understand!

I'm happy for you that you can reach out even with so little support!

I'm proud of you that at 20 you are on your road to healing! It is a hard road but better than were we've been!

Finding a therapist who can hold your hand and walk you through it is the key! Mine helped me remember and understand without saying 'you need to talk about it so I can help you'. When trauma started so young like yours and mine we often can't remember what was ok and normal and what wasn't -that's ok! With the right therapist you'll work it through together! You don't have to do it alone! We are not out there testing you to see if you can.... We are here for you!

You taught me something powerful: like a light bulb went on in my head for the first time and I'm more than twice your age: forgive myself to relieve self hatred! See your a step ahead and much younger-your very lucky!

Thinking of you

I believe in you!

[Rontgen]

I can relate to your severe depression. I do not even want too take the dogs to the park right next door to me. This makes me feel selfish for them but I cannot help it. People do not understand that depression feels like physical exhaustion not just a bad mood day. They can see a broken leg but not things that affect us inside. They only see the outward signs and call you "lazy, selfish, useless, worthless, invalid". If they compared having a severe bout of flu for life with depression, maybe they would have a glimpse of how we feel. Family, friends and even partners do not always know what to say, how to behave and how to support. They may well, as you say, make you feel even worse, like the vulnerable child that you were when you were first harmed. Any rejection or even a sleight makes me feel really paranoid that nobody likes me or wants me around them,,,,