Heal My PTSD
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feeling crushed and wondering about people

Feel crushed. Cannot write as much as I would like. Did not appeal SSDI in 2003 and now feel trapped...have not worked now for 10 years since then. Got a lawyer to take the case, but I think he does not know this. Most said it was too difficult. Some said impossible. I read recently that the only one who can re-open a case from such a time was an ALJ judge, or whatever they are called...when the lawyer and I guess, the client? go before the judge in about two years from now.

I read that this person can re-open any case at his or her discretion and that some ALJ judges grant all cases that come before them. I feel hopeless though at times since the rules are such that my case is not 'good' or easy to win, many lawyers would not even take it, said it was impossible, and I wonder what will happen. I need the SSDI even though it is not enough to live on. Sometimes I feel hopeless and terrified, so I try not to think about things. However, right now, the rage is pouring through me, at the people who caused the PTSD and how much misery I have been in and could be for who knows how long.

There is much more to the story, I get help, but from the very person who caused the PTSD, my father, and so I try to buffer the effects, stay safe and do what I have to to survive. In so much pain, physically and emotionally. Just try to ride out the torturous spots until a less painful place.

Want so much to have that small SSDI income so it helps me at least and need to just take care of myself best I can right now with what I have to deal with. Rage inside. Don't have the energy to explain more. I must keep faith and hope alive and keep on trying and staying the course. I have so much more to write, but I cannot. Hardly seems fair to be so ill due to others' behavior. Not thinking clearly. Hope the next four days are cool enough to feel ok.

Scattered ideas to start a very small business when I can, keep healing when I can, but then comes more torture of PTSD, worry, the heat, terror, twisted thinking, rage, pain, financial stress and strain from such a difficult situation. I need stability, good people, time and space to heal. There are opportunities for me, but now next four days, heat is back. Why just when one is feeling ok, does it switch again and again to misery and strenuous circumstances again? More to story, but all I can get out.

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by the way, I feel it is no one's fault, just circumstances of everyone doing the best they can and some got injured, some got PTSD...me. Forgiveness is easier when one feels ok of course. When one is feeling tortured, the mind gets twisted and if it is bad enough, dissociated. This will pass though and I will have some space at some point to rest again....


ok, on a positive note, I have a chance, opportunities that I can take at the right times, good friends, therapist, financial help, a boyfriend, etc etc. A home, food to eat. Just angry right now that I must face the heat again with no ac, and stress just when I was feeling light again....but such it is, so braving it again day by day, getting stronger, but what I want is ease and comfort and happy now, not more struggle.


God loves you so completely, that is where you will find rest.


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