Feeling lonely

[dcschuetz]

I left my home 2 months ago and am styling with other family members. Ithe took me many years to get to this point.

My husband had been hurtful to me for a long time. He has triggered me repeatedly. I really believe he has set back my recovery. I just have been letting him take the wheel for so long because he is controlling and his behavior made it harder to trust myself. I always felt abandoned by him. Heven also had no compassion for my ptsd struggles. He once said, "You are not over it yet? That happened 15 years ago." He does not get it and does not want to. Yet since I love him I miss him and findo it to be the most didifficult thing in the world to legally seperated or divorce. I have a lot of fears about the future. It us nearly paralyzing

Not sure what to do. I am scared and afraid I will always be alone. I see and talk to my therapist 3 times a month. One hour a week is not enough.

Any advice? Thoughts or stories?

[red85]

You're so important! Let it all out! We're here to listen--no judgment! MANY things can be a source of healing: writing, reading, yoga, sharing, crying. I will not take up your healing space with my own story but just know you're not alone.

[dcschuetz in reply to red85]

Thank you so much. I just keep thinking I am doing the wrong thing. I miss my once happy relationship, my house, my dogs and my old identity. I want to move to the next step but it's terrifying to me and I don't wamy to hurt anyone.

Thanks for writing

[AnyaC]

I know exactly how terrifying it is to consider the future, even without PTSD. But, as a survivor of both emotional and physical abuse by ex-husbands, if you don't break free and take the necessary legal steps to be safe and protect yourself, you will always be his victim. He is hindering your recovery, and always will.

We women love differently than men. Love for us is heart, soul, and body - everything we are. When we fall in love, we commit all of ourselves to that person. The problem is, we don't consider that love isn't like that for a man. It can be, but when they say "I love you", especially when you are dating or in the pre-marriage state, they don't mean what we do.

Men love based on sexual desire in those early days. We hear them say "I love you", and we think they mean heart, soul, body... everything they are. What they really mean is "I want your body." It's all sexual.... but, because we women hear the word and associate it with the way we love, we get confused by it all.

You say that you love him, and I'm sure you do. You committed to love him long ago, and to give that up is unthinkable. But, to him, he doesn't love you the same way. Many men never go past that initial sexual love. If he is controlling, hurting you, cruel... that's not love. He doesn't deserve your love.

I have been married for 35 years to a wonderful man. He doesn't understand the PTSD, either, and doesn't understand why I'm not past all the traumas I've endured, but he loves me. Truly, heart, soul, and mind loves me. We are partners, and he treats me with tenderness, compassion, and concern. He tries to understand....

He has helped me to understand that love isn't something you fall into, like a pit or a trap. It's a choice you make, and continue to make day by day until it becomes so natural that you don't even have to think about it anymore. Oh, there are still days one of us has to decide to make that choice - life isn't always easy, but after all these years, it's become a natural part of our lives. When he looks at me, I see his love for me in his eyes. When he touches me, I feel the tenderness. I know without a doubt that he and I are flesh of our flesh. We are one, even thought we are still individuals.

You deserve to be happy! Safe, secure, encouraged, and nurtured. It sure doesn't sound like he can or will do that for you. Please, take the necessary steps. I know it's hard! I know it's scary! But without it, there is no way for recovery or happiness. Sure, there will be times of loneliness, but it's bearable when you are safe. When I broke free of my abusers, (yes, two of them), I didn't think I'd ever find anyone. I gave up, and decided I'd have to find some way of living without a man, of raising my sons alone. When I least expected it, tho, I met this amazing man who's been by my side all these years, through some of the worst traumas a mother can endure. Don't give up too soon - that right person may be out there for you, too!

[p-c-1940 in reply to AnyaC]

Just want to tell you that your definition of how men love is the best I've ever seen! It's so good, I've saved it. Thanks.

[AnyaC in reply to p-c-1940]

You're welcome! Glad I could help! We need to teach our daughters the difference... otherwise, they get in the same messes we've been in. <3

[p-c-1940]

Set yourself free. You can survive without being emotionally abused! We are always "alone," even if we have a partner. I have been alone for 40 years after leaving two ex-husbands and I have never regretted it! If you set yourself free, you can find happiness. You do not need a man to live a happy life. However, if you set yourself free, you do then have a chance to meet a man. If you continue to be a victim, that will be your life forever. Do you want that? You are important - you deserve much more!