Whilst I am very fortunate to have 3 healthy children now, I still yearn for those I lost.
After my 1st child, I soon fell pregnant again and eventually went for my 5 mth scan. My husband and I had the misfortune to have the sonographer from hell. Basically, she sent us off to a side room to wait for an hour because she couldn't see babies head!! This is something we never can forget or forgive. Such cruel words. We were later seen by a Consultant,who looked at our scan and told to go straight to Kings College hospital in London. This was to confirm our Baby had anencephaly. We just went on auto pilot after this. We couldn't go on the Friday evening our little boy had abad chest infection and was going to the Dr's after the scan. Anyway there was no one to see us if we had gone. So, we had to wait until the Monday to take the train up to Kings. Long corridors we walked to confirm our fete. We saw Professor Nicolides. Wonderful man who very gently broke it to our babies spine had a neurological defect and that it had stayed open causing the scull not to form properly, thus not protecting her brain. The words i never want to hear again -'incompatible with life!'
We were sent off later on,back to our home, only to arrive at hospital the next morning to induce my labour. 2 days our little baby fought to stay, but eventually she was born asleep. They took her straight away before we could see her properly. The pain we felt when was born is indescribable. Later we were told she was going to be taken to Salisbury hospital for a postmortem. In my head i blamed everyone else for loosing her, not giving her a chance, but in reality she never had a chance, ever.
This was at christmas 1993 and I remember it all as clear as yesterday ( even with fibro fog ). From the labour to staying in a side ward where I was isolated from other mums thankfully but only to hear they're babies cry . Never will I forget that trauma and loss of not hearing our baby cry.
I later went on to have a bouncing baby boy whose recently turned 18.
However, for some unknown reason in 1997, I then went on to have an ectopic pregnancy where it ruptured in me leaving me a collapsed on a sunday morning.When the Dr arrived they called for an ambulance who took me straight up to a surgery ward thinking I have a kidney stone. I had a pregnancy test later that night which surprised me and my husband, but was told they couldn't check properly until the next day. Monday morning, 24hrs later because it had all happened on a Sunday came another sonographer . They confirmed I was pregnant,but in the wrong place and sadly my fallopian tube had ruptured on my left sideThey said I had to go to theatre NOW , to have an op as they were anxious as to how well u looked considering how I'll I really was. It was around this time I was told what a high pain threshold I had.
By now after having my 2 boys and loosing 2 girls possibly, I thanked god I was still here to look after them. Then it all made sense.I had seen my GP only the week before and randomly told, the 'pain' I was in then telling me I had probably had IBS. The swollen tummy and pains I suffer before the tube ruptured etc, this was my pain threshold was tested to the hilt
Many years later, 5yrs infant, 2003 I found out I was pregnant again, without trying and on the pill. Along came our healthy beautiful daughter who has healed so many raw wounds.
We will never forget the 22nd December.. How could we?? trying to celebrate Christmas having just delivered a longed for baby. Our eldest child was born on 28th December.
We lost our Danielle on the 22/12. Our 2nd healthy son arrived in the March '95, after a truely harrowing pregnancy, i couldn't believe he was ok until he was born and layin on my chest. Our last baby, a gift from above, a daughter arrived 29/12/03.
Now, I still bear the scars on my tummy of our other poorly baby whose a constant reminder when I look at my self in the mirror.
The end of my story comes a thought which I hadn't really connected before until I replied to another post.
I have never been truly well since loosing my 2nd child. I believe a part of me went with her and I have never been able to find it since. I never accept easily when someone has passed away or such like. It's like 'nothing else that happens will ever as bad a loosing her.'
Pain whether you can physically see it or NOT, is still pain. My eyes tend to show my pain that I feel daily. I wonder now, could this is when my fibromyalgia really started .
Sorry for such a long blog. but just writing this all down has been quite cathartic and given me a realistic, maybe possible reason for my pain <3
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