Good morning all, you are cordially invited to our traditional Easter Fayre.
We would like to welcome you to the Village Green here at Splintery Bottom, where the Morris dancers are prancing, the coconuts are shy, and the home baked goods are selling like hot cakes.
As this is Cloud-Cuckoo Land, the weather today is hot and sunny, so leave your winter coats at home.
There will be an opening ceremony at some juncture, presided over by Lady Euphemia Planke of Tumbledown Hall, President of the local W.I., who has also graciously offered to judge the home-made wine entries.
She was here a minute ago ... now where is she .... oh ... dear me, are those Her Ladyship's feet sticking out from under that bottle stall? Maybe she's fainted - hide her somewhere, please!
Kof kof -Ahem!
We have icecream, cream teas, tombola, a beer tent, a baby show, donkey rides and many more attractions, but we need volunteers to run everything.
VG has offered to provide the goldfish for the rifle range, but you'll have to share her as she's the only fish we have until supplies arrive.
Come on then, everyone and take part - choose your stall and let the fun begin!
Written by
ladymoth
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Mrs roselyd Buttomly at your service. How may I be of help? I have been running the Baking competition for many years and would be more than willing to help in the capacity of Judge.
I am very firm no soggy bottoms are aloud and all entries must I say must conform with the schedule. If it says sponge cake makes a sponge cake its easy My dear. No complicated trimming just light airy sponge.
Now my husband Bert Buttomly good chap bert he usually does catch the rat but you see he missed last week and he hit his foot not the rat caught that bunion of his ooooh he has been in despair
Now have you seen Lady whatsit has she been a tippleing again (shakes head with a grim smile on her face) we will have to sort her did you see those fish strange things bowls on the rifle range. Now better get on Mr Norris has been polishing his cucumbers again and the last I saw they shot off at Miss Dolly whatsit can you help?
Oh my word.... Enters stridently ... I am lady Fionia Finrot - Woode from the Manor here at Splintery Bottom ... I will happily take charge of the rifle range .... My Husband and I run the pheasant shoot every season.... But I cannot allow you to give away that mouldy looking .... Is it even a goldfish???? Looks rather like a grumpy stickleback with sunburn.....
Harris... Harris .. Here you child go find Mr Tweed for me the head game keeper back at the Manor and tell him to bring Lord Finrots koi carp up here to give away as prizes at my rifle stall.... When do we open ... Oh now ... Sets to dismantling the rifles and setting them back up with military prescision... Then looks at the paper targets and replaces them with smaller harder to hit ones ..... There that's better.... And if we get any riff raff from the Trumpington freedom fighters... Like last year these guns will see em off....
Lady Planke - shakes her rather unceremoniosly- Do bestir your self you are needed in the tent to judge the childrens gardens on a tray.
Mr Buttomley do not put your rats there!
Oh dear shales her head I need a cup of tea this way this way
Mrs Bottomly I am sending Gladys our kitchen maid round with some linement for Mr Bottomlys bunion ... Please make sure she only rubs it on his bunion ...she is a girl guide and in training for her first aid badge.. She does get carried away if she gets to Mr Bottomleys Knee please stop her.....
I am so glad you are judging the cake competition today , your sponge cakes are legendary... I do hope you don't have to look at too many soggy bottoms today
Lady Finrot what a pleasure Mam and thank you indeed for the linament My husband will indeed take the required precautions.
As always a pleasure to be of service to you M'Lady I shall send a cake around for you later please accept it is not a bribe purely a thank you for assisting Mr Buttomly.
Now who is on the urn today is Blossomy Pinkworth I do hope she does not come out with that old joke "Whats a Greecian Urn"
It must shurley be decimalised by now. Did that dog stop it stop it Oh do STOP IT it has stolen my entry in the scone class its scone now
OOwell now oohooh did you see That young lady her skirt isso short oooh and her top so low ooh Avert your eyes Mr Bottomly at once Look away I say
Sighs the young lad I sent to get Mr Tweed to bring up the koi carp must have left the gate to the kennels open I am so sorry Mrs Bottomly the hounds are rather partial to a freshly baked scone. I am sending it back with Blunt the Butler... Perhaps you could explain the teeth marks as decoration...
Yours fitting lasers and night vision to the rifle range rifles..... You never can be too sure who is lurking disguised as a tree.....
Good morning, and what a lovely day it is, so warm......ahhhh I'm. Miss Primly-Proper and I am the best cook and flower arranger in the whole village and am fiercely competitive, I wipe the board at every village fete in a 150 mile radius of Splintery Bottom ........rushes off to bring the mutlipulous contents of her old Citroen 2CV which is piled high with tins and boxes........
Alas, little does she know it but a certain someone has been trying to undermine Miss Primly-Proper's reign ........there are jam tarts and chocolate eclairs to be judged and I fear it will not be a pretty picture upon our return
Good morning Miss Primly Proper.... It is indeed an honour to have such a prestigious baker enter our Easter Fayre today... For. Your explanations I feel reassured that Mrs Bottomly will not find your bottom soggy... The fresh cream cakes are actually for throwing at the cheaters of which I am sure there will be some who will be placed in the stocks..
Viscountess Virginia Villiers here, of Plumpton Manor (everyone is plump here) I am chairwoman of the W.I.
I shall send Old Ned around to give children rides on the green
I can also lend my maid Sarah to serve tea and coffee. She also makes the most delightful Can-o-bix cakes. I don't know quite what she puts in them, but I find that after one or two of them no-one really cares.
Oh dear, Old Ned says his arthritis is playing up too much to go cavorting around the green with children on his back. The horses are at the hunt today, so all I have to offer is the two cows Daisy & Jezebel. No these are not my husband's mistresses, though now I think about it, the latest one does resemble a horse, so maybe she would do? I would so love to see her entertaining the children. She has none of her own you see, so I am sure she will enjoy that role. Perhaps she could pop around on her broomstick this afternoon. Now excuse me dears I must go get my hair done before I join you all for the fun and frivolities.
Ohh broomstick rides ... Now that would liven up the fayre ... If I could just buy two of those couldn't care less any more cakes to accompany the wine.....
Thank you
Staggers uncaringly back to the rifle range with the remains of two cakes and a half empty bottle of wine
I feel somewhat unprepared to meet so many well-born and noble stall holders. I feel I shall be socially ostracised (OUCH!) as I am but the daughter of a humble coal miner!
I am practicing touching my forelock, and I'm feeding the donkeys so that everyone can have a ride up and down our village green. I shall have to tie two donkeys together for Lady Finrot, as she has a rather noble and imposing bum
I think I have baked the winning sponge, so I shall have to be very nice to Miss Primly-Proper - it wouldn't do to be half-baked in front of her!
Oh dear, the donkeys have been 'indiscreet' in front of the beer tent and Lady Euphemia has trodden it it At least the old girl is upright again, please keep her away from Granny's elderberry wine - it's lethal!
Moffy the peasant x
Aims a rifle at Moffy ..... Stops just in time ohhh peasant ... I am so sorry my, dear with that feather in your hat I thought you were a pheasant ... Aims the rifle at the cork of elderberry wine and pops it in one shot.... Mmm rather warming and pleasant ... Starts shooting rather drunkenly at the targets before sliding under the counter with the open bottle
Oh dear, that was a narrow escape! Removes feathers and dons ancient suit of armour. Don won't mind - he hasn't worn it since 1675.
Clanks off in search of a cream cake or two, trips over prostrate and drunken form of Lady Finrot-Woode - she's very well marinated in Elderberry wine!
am loving this blog!! Have cackled like a mad thing on drugs at your contributions. Wait a minute.....I AM a mad thing on drugs rflmao
Ahem - Miss Primly-Proper, I take issue with your assertion that you are the best cook and flower arranger in the village. You obviously haven't tasted my elderberry & gin scones and home-made dandelion & cowslip tea!
Furthermore, my stunning arrangement of bamboo, tulip and nettles elicited some very inspired and positive comments from visitors who seemed wowed by the full floor to ceiling display in our downstairs toilet.
Please bring you wonderful accomplishments to the fayre ... We have some wonderful awards..... There is a ten shilling postal order for the winner of the home made jam.... And the flower arrangement with nettles sounds superb... We can sit Moffy on the nettles if she gets out of hand ... She gets excited very easily.....
Ahem..... We are talking Egon Ronay rated scones here, I have my standards to uphold, and upholed them I will......elderberry and gin? oh my word that would never do, I'm a purist purer than the driven snow (wash your mouth out Foggy shouldn't mention snow at the moment).........
How delightful, an arrangement in your downstairs cloakroom.....very novel and inspiring I'm sure, we of course have the old fashioned variety with huntin shootin fishin pictures and the mask of something that once lived in a hole, hung rather precariously above the door,,,,,,, enough to make you not want to linger longer.....
Sits on the counter with a cocked rifle over one arm and her hat over one eye squinting at the prospect of a cake fight ... mrs Bottomly how will you cope.
I am not sure I want to see miss Primley Propers beaver hanging precariously in the toilet.
Emerges from underneath moffy somewhat red and dishevelled... Sends for the best two horses from the stables and a footman in the stately and noble armour of the house of Rot and sets up a jousting tournament..... Using broomsticks instead of poles...
Comes back in to the fair and reminds everyone that she is infact daughter of The Countess Primly-Proper-Fitzharry ( should have been Fitzwilliam but as William is spoken for Harry is pretty Fit ) and as such is top of the Tree....strange that, I'm sure that tree moved a bit, hmmmm.
Mummy has said that I can send the hounds from our meet for a visit to the fair as they are much better controlled hounds than those of Lady Finrot's who have a reputation for going off chasing all sorts of things they are not allowed to these days !! Ours however,having been drag hunting all morning are now fagged out, as is old Harry our old retainer who ever willing to please, despite being 84 is used as the drag, he got confused when asked because he used to be involved in am dram and was always the pantomime dame......he was soooo keen and we didn't have the heart to tell him........ohhhh deearrr
Right, back to unloading of the massive flower arrangements, ahhhhh the benefits of finishing school.......though I nearly got quite finished off at a ball with the officers from Sandhurts....the advances,,,..wellll..........Mummy told me to be a good girl and oh dear.......
Back to the plot.........the tree is, as we speak moving ever closer to Lady Finrot............
Looks around... It's those confounded Little Trumpington freedom fighters again , they hate any thing traditional... Pulls a paintball gun from out of her corset and splatters the tree with balls of paint.. Ha that made the tree move alright and giggles drunkenly as the tree hobbles back in the direction of Trumpington
Can I have a go with the paintball thingy? Please, please <snatches gun> - oh dear - have just painted Miss Primly-Proper and Viscountess Villiers a fetching shade of purple
Ahhhh delightful........purple, one of my most favourite colours these commoners, they have no manners do they.,,.....points nose sniftily in the air and goes back to her chocolate eclairs which appeared mysteriously from somewhere yesterday she thinks......
Ah ha, so it was you, where on earth have you hidden it together with two pairs of cords, one bright pink and the other navy.....still can't find them!!! You cunning of cunningness
I couldn't possibly say she replied sitting down rather awkwardly wearing two pairs of cords at the same time underneath a long flowing Shower curtain
Staggers over to the coconut shy and slyly glues down the coconuts ... I shall never forget the embarrassment of the last time moffy got her hand on a coconut .. Sawed it in half and used them as false breasts... The string snapped they fell into her knickers which ended up round her knees with the weight ..... And I was standing next to her....
I thought it was you who needed two donkeys Your Ladyship, for the carriage of your posterior the coconuts had obviously slipped down and round in your case
Now M' dears enough I am still trying to open the elderberry wine.- I have disqualified vast flower arrangement it does not meet Nafas requirements. Oh I hear the brass band arriving quick best se cure the beer tent.
Oh I have just seen Lady thigumy baclwards ona donkey ow or was it a plonky?
Oh was that the brass band tuning up ... Sorry Mrs Bottomly I thought it was you .... I do apologise, here let me shoot the cork out of that wine for you..
I have sent health and safety round to your downstairs cloakroom. To inspect your beaver... I am sure it isn't attracted securely and could give someone a nasty shock
Lady Finrot.... Without a downstairs cloaks or Motheaten beaver , though we do have a delightful moose in the hall
Sniffs delicately ..... That's not a mink its a skunk cunningly dyed.... Cancels the plumber for Miss Primley Propers downstairs cloaks.... And to think I thought it was Mrs Bottomly,s IBS playing up.....
It's a mink I tell you, I was stopped from bringing a skunk back into the country from my visit to Canada, you know as you do,,,,,,out there, moose hunting with the Mounties,,,,,,,came across many dead skunks on the road.....yuuuucccckkkkyyyy the smell !!!!!
hang on I feel another visit may be due, I'll bottle some for your Ladyship..........willing as ever to oblige
Oh Antonio the ice cream man hasn just been found on the floor of his van covered in icecream and hundred and thousands do you think he topped himself?
Peers into the van..... I,m 99 percent sure... I,ll just whip back to the rifle range and phone the police ... What an thing to happen at our Easter fayre do you think some screwball is lurking about killing everyone off???
Oh no !! Methinks they've out founded me :8 :8 Runs off to the sanctuary of the Cake Display tent to gather her thoughts and plan her next cunning manouvre, eats three chocolate eclairs and a cream bun to fuel her for the coming onslaught and then lies with he legs akimbo underneath the display table, unable to move for fullness. :8
Gets blunt the butler and Harris tweed the gamekeeper to place an extremely full miss primley proper in the first aid tent and then lets Gladys the kitchen maid practice for her first aid badge on her
I have fetched Miss Marple to sort out all the wrongdoings - she's my auntie!
Hides three coconuts, six eclairs and a stuffed moose down knickers - no one will ever suspect! >>>>>>>> escapes on donkey
Apparantly the stuffed moose was actually a fake chocolate one swapped by Miss Primley proper and has now melted all over the donkey .... Lassos moffy to a halt with a shredded shower curtain and waits for the RSPCA to turn up to make sure moffy cleans the donkey. Properly.... Could you ask Miss Marple to bring the village girl guides to dance round the maypole????
Miss Primly-Proper-Fitzharry if you don't mind,........... Fends off all attempts to be assaulted by a girl guider wishing to gain her badge, and runs, well, staggers and hides behind a strangely purple tree...........into which she suddenly and even more curiously.......disappears
Hello? Hello? Oh this confounded mobile phone contraption...hello, can you hear me? Oh yes, yes it's Mrs Unhinged-Bottomley from Wits End Lodge. Could you possibly round up some help for me please? Candida, my trusty little Morris Minor Traveller appears to have got stuck in the appalling mud near the flower tent. Do you have a tractor available that could tow my trusty charabanc to freedom? I'd be so grateful. You can? That's splendid!
One other thing - I'm afraid that Candida's back bumper got caught up on a wretched tent guy rope. Yes, some first aid will be needed for the excitable WI ladies I inadvertently brought the canvas down on. Anyway, I must dash and start unloading, otherwise I'll miss the deadline for the Massive Floral Display competition. I'm determined to win a prize after last year's embarrassing incident with the nettles and corkscrew hazel!
Well done there Mrs Unhinged-Bottomley, whack ho , now Gladys can practice her worst on the WI, leaving me to get on with my ever so cunning plan............... I might even lend you some of my finest contorted hazel and I know a certain person not a million miles from here who has a nettle bed of outstanding proportions, but she's busy elsewhere atm.............
Walks back to the rifle range to find a collapsed tent a moving large flower arrangement and screams from the WI..... Gladys in her element has roped in every available girl guide to attend to the ladies of the WI.. Some of the men from the village are erecting the tent again. And an man looking incredibly like Russell Crowe is dragging a Morris minor out the mud with his bare hands...., ohhh all, those rippling muscles...... Drops her rifle , tightens her corset and tries to walk in a straight line to give the incredibly attractive man some encouragement.......
Borrows VG's corset , rolls in melted chocolate and advances .......!
Freed from the constraints of the corset my rather ample curves take drastic leap downwards and drag me down into the mud where I am trampled on by Moffy ! Miss Primley proper and a still sticky donkey...
Enters stage left..................that is not Miss Primly- Proper-Fitzharry, tis an himposter, I am the true Miss Primly and I would Never Ever trample on anyone, indeed her Ladyship and my Ma-ma go back a long way..........so far back you can hardly see them and I am good girl as I said earlier, There must have been an imposter here, pretending to be me, I am sickly sweet and would never hurt a fly....or a moth come to that..,..never.....;...... Exits stage right with little lambs gambolling at her feet and singing a sweet song. Tra llaaa
You don't mention fish ...... Glares evilly why are moths and flies protected????? Hmmmm hmmmmm
Pops her head back in ...........because I'm so sickly sweet there is nothing on this earth I would hurt, and I ministered to the two donkeys who I found in aaapppaalllling conditions, someone said they'd been sat on by a rather large posterior..........such cruelty............
Oh and by the way, have I missed all the ceremonials or are they yet to come? I' do so hope my excellent scones and jam tarts have a red ribbon........prances lightly off with lambs still gambolling happily around her feet..............
this way this way we stil have thr Punch and Judy Man he has set his tent at the top af the hill.. Ooh he has started "Have you seen Mr Punch" screeches Judy as the baby begins to wail "Oh where is Mr Punch"
That's the way to do it...gets out her stick that doubles as a perching stool and settles down to watch.......
Have they brought the sausages yet? Mr Punch's dog always brings sausages! Lady Primly -Proper promised some snake and pygmy pies, but I haven't seen them yet - maybe the donkeys ate them!
We could have shepherds pie instead, I suppose, but you can never be sure that your shepherd hasn't got horse meat in it somewhere. I'm starving!
There's a refreshment tent full of goodies and no snake pies ... If you want to be sneaky you could eat all the competition cakes .. Then you will win
Having been elsewhere for some light refreshment (a spot of shut eye) Miss Primly-Proper-Fitzharry is now fit for anything, how goes the judging ? I was wondering where the shepherd had gone with all these lambs skipping gayly around me, has he been made mince meat of..........oh such harrowing tales........goes off to see if her hunter is ready to the end of season meat, I mean meet !!!
mrs Bottomly has disappeared I forgot to enter anything... So it looks like Miss Primley Proper -Ftitzharry and Mrs Unhinged -Bottomly can scoop the lot.......
I fear Mrs Unhinged Bottomley may have gorn orff. I shall therefore stand on the podium in readiness for the closing ceremony and distribution of priZes , one thing bothers me tho, whilst I was being himpersonhated, was the ever an opening ceremony......or was that scuppered by fair means or foul?
Neever opened so how can we close ver fear Mrs Unhinged (cheeky) Bottomley may have goone off now we need a barn dance for those left standing hehe claps exhaustedly
Pahhh I missed most of it I think .. Grabs Gins and does a barn dance then watches as Gins falls off the barn are you ok gins .... Good job moffy was below.......
Ooooohhh what fun a barn dance to end the fayre. Take your parntners............here we go, let's do "strip the willow". That will have to change to Strip the Harryo as Will is already spoken for,........... and you know my feelings on Harry
Yours yearningly, Foggy x
You know he likes blondes foggy so keep on yearning he may well turn up at your door...I just hope he is dressed ... It's a long walk from the main road to your house
Ohhello, I am too late for the doings? Mrs Tradascanthia Plink-basket here. I made some rather yummy "special" chocolate cookies but you know, I had to have one (or two) to test them and before I knew it I was on the kitchen floor singing I am a fire starter and imagining giant insects crawling out of my sink.
Helllooooooooo ladies! Arabella Unhinged-Bottomly here. You must remember me, surely? Well, yes, I'm afraid that I had to....ahem....take that Russell Crowe chappy up on his kind offer to drive my darling Candida out of the mud. He was sooooo kind, once he'd thrown that ghastly muddy corset out of the way - it did make such a good item to put under the wheels of my little car. I couldn't just let him drive off on his own, since he was soooo charming, now could I? Wonderful fellow. He's just gone to search out some refreshments. Yomping does take it out of one, don't you know.
What? (turns to a tent marshall) Yes, dear, thank you. I think that's the last piece of straw combed out of my hair now. Golly, I'm feeling flushed. Now, where is my flower display? Did I win anything......?
Oh no, what's that noise? I think I can hear Tradascanthia singing her ghastly drinking songs she picked up at her husband's golf club. I'll wager she's been baking those "special" treats of hers again. Naughty girl. When will she ever learn....? She's supposed to save those for her swinging parties!
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Sorry about the rant...I've snapped.
Reiki Healing as a complimentary aid
Got letter from my GP
Saying goodbye is so hard
Wishing Zeb73 all the best !
