Partners and fibro

I have been reading blogs for ages and today I stpped to think.

Hiw often the ladies complain about their husbanbs not helping or undersranding or even suddenky changing

May be he gets scared to see you so ill and annoyed that he can't stop this or protect you maybe he has becone weary too

Have you fully discussed the illnes with him is he shying awsy because he feels he has lost the woman he loves

Maybe we should step back from our pain and see it from the partners point of veiw discuss what we think might be eroding the situation ask him how he feels now and long term ask him how you can help him feel better thank him with a dinner of his favourite foods with out the kids around send them out or to bed hold HIS hand give HIM a suprise kiss or a hug

If he didnt love you he would not still be there, he too is coping with a buzy life and a longbterm illness that will never end

I lost my hubby in dec and it has made me think hewas emtionally abusive to me in the past I took courage and asked him what happened he gently pointed out that I had not liked to be hugged or kissed etc and he had become angry because he could not stop loving me and thought I had rejected him l

It took a death sentence to make me brave enough tonask for an honest answer and to accept it for being exactly that

I am sending out a challenge to those women on here with non understanding partners and family to write back on this blog the result of tryingnto see it from his point of view

And to those who have loving helpful husbands a challange to to show him spontanious affection and let us know how good he felt come on ladies just for a while look out not in I dare you

REMEMBER TOMORROW IS A PROMISE THAT MAY NEVER BE FULFILLED

21 Replies

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  • What a great post blossom I know what you have been going through as I do read every post though I don't post on everyone as sometimes there is nothing for me to add or other FA staff have said everything that needs to be said.. But it doesn't mean I don't read and remember... fortunately I have a husband I met when i already had fibro but now I have arthritis too and It is hard to have cuddles etc when you are in pain so much... Now my son is older and has his room to crash in ... hes an autisitc teenager with a grunt and an attitude....my OH and I do have time just for us and we do chat about how life has changed we are both only in our 40s ..... He is my rock....and I tell him constantly how much I appreciate him... Before you are all sick we also have wonderful arguments too, why??? Because he's a man and men just don't think like women :)..

    So thanks again blossom for this post :)

    VG x

  • Hoping some some of the memberbtry this men need more affection and appreciation than is generally assumed even holding his hand randomly or apeck on their cheek an I love you are special whispered in their ear.if you havent cone this for an age you will feel awkwRd but result is great

  • HI ALL,

    TYPING IN BLOCK CAPS BECAUSE I HAVE BROKEN MY WRIST!

    MY HUSBAND IS VERY GOOD AND I AM ALWAYS TELLING HIM THAT I APPRECIATE HIM. WE ALWAYS HOLD HANDS WHEN WE ARE OUT. LIKE VG THOUGH IT ISN'T ALL SWEETNESS AND LIGHT! WE WOULDN'T BE HUMAN IF IT WAS.

    I FEEL VERY SORRY FOR THOSE WHO ARE STRUGGLING ALONE OR WITH OH'S WHO ARE UNHELPFUL.

    YOUR POST IS CERTAINLY VERY INTERESTING.

    I THINK MEN DON'T APPRECIATE WOMEN WHO MOAN AND WHINGE SO I TRY NOT TO. THEY ALSO DON'T APPRECIATE BEING NAGGED SO AGAIN I TRY NOT TO. I JUST ACCEPT THE HELP MY OH GIVES ME AND BITE BACK IF THINGS AREN'T DONE OR ARE A BIT SLAPDASH. I AM EVEN MORE RELIANT ON HIM AT THE MOMENT HAVING BROKEN MY WRIST LAST THURSDAY. OUR HOUSE IS ALWAYS A TIP WHICH I DON'T LIKE BUT I HAVE LEARNT TO LIVE WITH. I CANNOT DO WHAT I USED TO SO THAT IS JUST THE WAY IT IS NOW.

    LIKE VG, I ALREADY HAD FIBRO WHEN I MARRIED 10 YEARS AGO AND I JOKE WITH MY OH THAT WHEN WE TOOK OUR VOWS OF "FOR BETTER FOR WORSE" HE PROBABLY THOUGHT HE WAS GOING TO GET SOME "BETTER" AND HE IS STILL WAITING FOR IT!

    LUCKILY WE BOTH HAVE A GOOD SENSE OF HUMOUR!

    HANG IN EVERYONE WHATEVER YOUR SITUATION. I HAVE LOST "SO CALLED" FRIENDS BECAUSE OF FIBRO AND MY HUSBAND'S 3 GROWN UP OFFSPRING HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH US BECAUSE HIS MOTHER CAUSED SO MUCH TROUBLE BEFORE SHE DIED. THE SAD THING IS THAT MY HUSBAND HAD CUSTODY OF ALL OF THEM AND BROUGHT THEM ALL UP HIMSELF AND THIS IS HOW THEY HAVE TREATED HIM.....BUT...WE ARE HAPPY....OUR 2 DOGS AND 2 CATS ARE OUR FAMILY.

    THAT'S ALL FOR NOW AS TYPING WITH 1 HAND IS AWKWARD.

    LOVE AND HUGS TO ALL WHO READ THIS. SASKIA. XX

  • Hi saskia,nice to see you blogging again!hope you and your wrist are ok!

    Pinkblossom..xxx

  • BLESS YOU, PINKBLOSSOM!

    SORRY ABOUT CAPITALS BUT I AM TYPING ONE-HANDED. I MUST TELL YOU ABOUT THE DOGGIE INCIDENT LAST WEEK. I MAY DO A BLOG ABOUT IT,,,NOT SURE... BUT I'LL DEFO. PM YOU IN THE NEXT COUPLE OF DAYS.

    THANKS FOR YOUR KIND THOUGHTS.

    LOVE AND "LOPSIDED" HUGS, SASKIA. XX

  • Great post ! It is difficult for all to adjust to living with a chronic long term illness.

    Some psychologists say that learning to accept an illness like Fibromyalgia people go through the same steps as grieving which are:

    Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.

    I think we could probably all relate to these stages in some way or another. It has been mentioned that partners go through the same stages and when the person with Fibro may be nearing acceptance the partner could still be in denial.

    Men act differently or even weirdly (we may think!) to situations as a way of coping. We may think they are being awkward or not understanding when they could be acting this way struggling to cope with their own emotions.

    Like fadedblossom mentions maybe take a minute to spend some time talking, holding hands or being close. Maybe they may need some help to understand or move towards acceptance.

    Try to be honest with each other and discuss your true feelings.

    It is hard when we are dealing with the pain & fatigue & we are busy being strong for ourselves. Maybe we do not think of others, which is totally understandable. However, when you are having a better day, maybe leave the chores and spend some quality time with your partner instead!

  • I don't know what I would do without my partner, he is younger by 15 years and proposed to me 12 years ago. Even though the vows will be in mostly in" sickness" and not in "health" all he has seen and lived with is "sickness" I finally agreed to marry him and the date is set. We discuss everything and I have had to learn to let go and let him.

    The pain is sometimes all there is to my day. His smile can brighten my soul. Thanks to all the partners who care and love us no matter what.

  • fadedblossom, great post... and Saskia, you made me laugh with the "he is still waiting for it (the better) lol!

    I am the man in the relationship and also the person with FMS, it is hard to feel like a man, a provider, a protector, a lover or a (insert your need here), I am finding it very hard and I am here to say that I doubt it would feel much different FOR ME if it were the other way around and she were the partner with FMS.

    What you have posted rings absolutely true - both ways. There has to be some "stop and look, talk, listen and hold" or we just stay on the merry-go-round of fear and insecurity.

    Love is all... Bless you...

    Peachy x

  • I understand what peachy is saying,but the stop,look,talk,listen and hold wouldn't work as we've passed that stage sadly!

    As I write this I'm on the bed,my partner had a day off (which he didn't tell me about) and is doing repairs in the portch,I'm just waiting for the right time to tell him I'm leaving,so many reasons,all our talks end up in a row and one I'm trying to avoid as I'm mentally and phsically exhausted today.

    I'm still on the merry go round and I just can't get off!

    Pinkblosso...xxx

  • Sorry to hear this pinkblossom.

    Do you really feel it has gone past the point of no return?

    If so, please know we are hear to listen.

    I hope you have family and friends to support you if this is your decision and please let us know that you are OK.

    Thinking of you

    Emma

  • Thanks Emma

    I'm sitting here going over and over everything in my mind,and I actually still love him dearly but after 5 years I think its run its course,there are so many reasons why I should go and not enough good reasons to stay,its breaking my heart,I haven't looked at his face for 5 days,can't bare to look into his eyes,I won't hang around,I know I shall hurt myself moving stuff,I know the knock on effect it will have on me whether it be next week,next month or 6 months down the line but I'm just going to have to get on and do it,I'm ok at the moment,although I feel a heavyness in my heart i don't feel indeed to cry,a good percentage is to to with my fibro but I'm not putting all the blame on that,I can't help what I have got,I just wish he would understand and see the whole picture,hay ho,never mind.

    Thanks again,

    Sorry everyone for writting a sad post,you are all so lucky having an understanding partner,I am truly happy for you.

    Pinkblossom..xxx

  • So sorry to read this PB I do know a few couples who have split up with fibro being part of the bigger picture.... It's always hard to leave a relationship, but even harder when you have permenant health issues... Only you can decide if this is the best decision for you, mentally as well as physically... But know. Whatever you decide you can come on here for support anytime from all of us.

    If you want to pm me anytime you know I will answer

    Thinking of you

    VG x

  • Thanks VG

    I wrote to you a couple days ago and that was a great help re:shoulder pain,and what with my carpel tunel op to deal with at some point looks like I'm going to have a busy year!

    On a good note I lost two and a half pound at weight watchers today,mind you that could be to losing my appetite the past couple of days!

    Pinkblossom..xx

  • Must be awful for you, Pink Blossom! Have you tried contacting Relate to help you? They don't always manage to patch up marriages, but if separation is inevitable they will help you both to survive it!

    Moffy xxx

  • Thanks ladymoth

    Sorry didn't get back to you yesterday but we ended up a row after I told him I'm leaving.

    Sadly after the huge row at 7 o'clock this morn,its past relate,though normally it is something I would suggest to others.

    I didn't know he wasn't working today,either way I'm still going to move my stuff out to spare room and set up the second sitting room for me to use,we have quite a big house so at least I can keep out of his way.

    Nasty things have just been said,I'm just trying to compose myself and taking my meds to get me through a very long day.

    Thankfully I am on annual leave this week so I don't need to try and get myself into work.

    Pinkblossom..xx

  • I have just read all these posts and almost have a tear in my tough and cynical old eye - I am so touched by the strength of the human spirit, and the love which survives through so much adversity.

    We should indeed stop and think how lucky we are to be treasured by someone, whether it's partner, parent or child and we also need to demonstrate our gratitude for that luck.

    Of course, sometimes it's not so easy, and loving relationships break down. I've been there, done that and have more than one teeshirt.

    If you've really thought it through, and you're absolutely sure that you can never put things right, then the best thing is to move on with your head held high, and try not to bear grudges.

    I left my first husband because he was intolerably violent, and thirty years later we have made friends again, and forgiven each other. Why? because we have a beautiful little grandchild in common, and we both adore her.

    I could never love him as I did, but I'm glad we're friends, and I know that he has changed. Our two sons are happy too - we feel like a family when we have a day out together!

    My second husband was taken from me - he took his own life when he was only 61 - but he had suffered mental health problems for many years. He was a lovely man, and I never pass a day without wondering if I could have made his life easier. It's too late now to tell him, but I pray that he knew how much he was loved.

    Life gets complicated, but keep trying, keep loving, and whatever else you do - keep laughing!

    Moffy

  • Moffy,

    Thank You for sharing such personal information about your life to help others

    Emma x

  • Oh moffy,now that certainly bought tears to my eyes! You brave brave soul having to deal with all those sad things in your life,thank you for sharing them,I hope it hasn't upset you writing them,it wonderful that you have a lovely grandchild to focus on though.

    I think this blog may bring a lot of people to express their feeling,which though hard to write could be good for them,its helped me.

    Pinkblossom..xx

  • I feel so sad that what i thought would be helpful post has made so many oeople sad.to pb I would say that I did leave after 49 years of trying I still loved my husband and I grieved his absence as much as I now grieve his death please be aware that you will need people who will understand your mood swings and just be there just because.....

    The desc ision is a huge one and you must dis uss it with your husband before you leave or you will never have closure,

    I sincerely hope my blog does not cause any further unhappiness it was aimed at building bridges not blowing them up

  • What an intriguing blog this has turned out to be. What a candid series of exchanges!

    FB please don't feel bad about setting this train of thought in motion. But what you say is right: stop and smell the roses before it's too late. Appreciate what you've got if it's good. Try and sort things out if at all possible, if things are not going well.

    One of the reasons I divorced my husband was because he never helped me with the fibro. He did his usual trick of sticking his head in the sand and trying to ignore it. He left me to flounder and used his work as an excuse and a reason not to spend time with me, while I was holding down a full-time job and trying to keep house in my spare time. He wasn't a bad man, just one ill-equipped to deal with chronic illness specifically and life generally. He derided me at times, as if fibro wasn't real. It was only during the divorce process that he admitted he'd misjudged things, but I'd emotionally left him behind by that point and was on my way to a new life.

    It took meeting a man, who was everything my husband was not, to give me the courage to stand up for a better life. I saw how life COULD be if I weren't in such a negative environment. Like a cat, I landed on my feet the moment I met this man. He's my diamond, my forever love, and he cannot do enough for me. In fact, right now he's making us a pasta meal while we've paused Skyfall on the DVD. I treasure him each and every day. We love each other madly and know that life will not always be about what I cannot do. We make the best of things and most of all, I know he cares deeply for me. That is immeasurable in my heart. My ex missed out on so much love by shutting me out and denying the fibro. I stored it up instead to give to my diamond man and I tell him each and every day that I love him! He does likewise with me, several times a day and I never tire of hearing it :-D

    PB, I'm sorry to hear of the decision you're having to live with. It's hard, but you'll get there xx

    Saskia, I hope your bones mend soon xx

  • my husband tries hard and i know he isnt a nasty person yet is quite snappy with me since my illness began but so can i be i am in pain like u guys will understand so i just ignore it unless its very harsh or hurtful then i say what u being like that 4 it appears he doesnt know when hes doing it. i believe he is going thro the same issues mentally as me and has different coping methods. yet he still shows love affection where possible so i agree we should show our thanks and love for our helpful partners.

    kez x

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