MILFO - Mother I'd love to .... off

MILFO - Mother I'd love to .... off

In this case, referring to my boyfriend's Mum - I have generally got on quite well with her; at least, up until her poor husband passed away from cancer on Christmas Eve last year. I managed to land myself in the bad books around that time with just about everyone, as I couldn't dash down to Wales to be with him because my Mum had managed to give herself concussion! That p***ed off him and his family. Then I did go down when my Mum was improving, but not well, on 27th December - that p***ed off my Mum! And, since then, I'm afraid his Mum has been a bit intrusive and demanding, and her selfishness is no longer tempered by her husband's inclination to consider others. As a result, she drops herself on her sons for a week, with little notice or consultation, and generally screws things up. But, this time, she's here for a purpose - to look after my boyfriend for 2 weeks after leaving hospital ... or not.

You see, she came up a week early, because things hadn't quite gone to plan with the op. Whether she didn't trust me to keep her informed, or it was just motherly concern, I don't know, but she always told him that she would still be giving him 2 weeks, as she would take unpaid leave from work (despite knowing about this op in February, she didn't save her leave like I did - just used it to visit her sons and sister-in-law regularly 'for a break'). Only, now he's out, she's insistent that she needs to go back this weekend, and 'he'll be fine without anyone there'. Not being funny, but he's been opened up from the ribs down to the groin, and he's improving, but nowhere near on fine form. On top of that, he can't drive for 6 weeks, or lift anything, or bend very well, and his oven is on a low level! His nearest friend/relative is me, 40 miles (and just under an hour) away! He's not going to be fine!

He had a bit of a rant at her, by all accounts - even bringing up that she did exactly the same on his Dad when he was dying. She knew he wouldn't last past Christmas right from when the poor man was diagnosed in May, but she still went into work every day, and stayed until late, putting in extra hours, telling him that she 'couldn't take the p***', and ended up giving him about 2-3 days, right at the end, when he was confined to a bed in the living room. You'd think she would have learned by now, but it seems that - however much she claims to hate her job - she will always put work above her family, although her employers seem to be very willing to let her take time when she needs it, and she isn't short of money.

To top it all off, every time he and I are talking about moving in together (which we've been delaying for a couple of years, due to his Dad's illness, and now his op), she seems to be trying to put us off. I don't know if it's because I'm still in the doghouse, or if she thinks he could do better, or just because she knows that I (like his brother's girlfriend) won't put up with her just turning up when she feels like it, tidying up so that nothing can be found, and generally interfering! With respect, I've got my own mother if I want some interference! ;) Either way, I'm starting to get really annoyed with her, and am struggling not to say anything, because I don't want to make things any more awkward for him than they already are. But he's livid, and feeling a bit uncomfortable because this turn of events means he will probably end up staying at my house, and I can't be there all the time, so he'll be with my Mum. She's a lovely person, but can be difficult, and he's worried about staying there, so his Mum has left us all in a bit of a jam.

Typical: the one time the MILFO decides to FO is the one time we need her not to! :D

7 Replies

  • Oh dear I don't envy you one bit SootyB. Please forgive me but your title did make me giggle but when I read your post obviously it is no laughing matter. I wish I could give you advice on this one but I'm no expert in MILFOs as my boyfriend's mum was lovely but sadly is no longer with us. Instead i will send positive thoughts and healing for you and your OH. If she p**** you off, count to ten and imagine a huge pink bubble surrounding you. hope your boyfriend is on the mend soon and that you have a long and happy life ahead

    Healing thoughts

    Storm xx

  • No problem with having a giggle, Storm - that was the intention! We have to laugh, even in the most frustrating situations! He and I have come to an agreement, now, so not so stressful, whatever she decides to do. Looks like your positive thoughts helped! :)

    Gentle hugs xx

  • Hi sooty, so sorry to hear of your problems. You have had so much to contend with over the last few weeks. I am glad to hear that your boyfriend is continuing to recover from his surgery though so at least something is going right. It sounds to me as if your MIL is not very good at coping with domestic issues and hides behind her work so that she does not have to face up to her responsibilities. I had an aunt who behaved the same way when my uncle was terminally ill. One day I asked her why she would rather work when she really needed to spend some quality time at home. She admitted that she just couldn't cope with seeing my uncle so very ill and that when she was at work she could put it out of her mind for a short while.She did not like herself very much for it but it was her way of coping. I guess that what I am saying by this story is that not everybody has the strength to spend time with someone who is ill. It could be that they can't bear to see someone they love suffering or perhaps it is that it reminds them of their own mortality. Perhaps it is a mixture of both.

    Anyway, I do hope that you find a solution that helps everyone and that you do not get too stressed about it yourself as you need to think about your own health and well being! Take care. Jane x

    PS If bending continues to be an issue for your BF when cooking, have you considered getting him a halogen oven? They are reasonably priced, cost effective to run and sit on the work top. I use mine every day as it is much easier to manage and clean.

  • I'll have a chat with him about the halogen oven - that might be a good idea. :)

    You could be right about the MIL - she's not great at dealing with stuff, and tends to brush it all off, so maybe this is all part of her coping strategy. I bite my tongue a lot!

    Gentle hugs xx

  • Oh sooty this is just what you didn't need but I know exactly how you mean when you describe her. My MIL has NEVER forgiven me for taking her baby away from her.. As we have been married 16 years and lived together before that he is no longer a baby or even a young man. It's a long standing joke at our house that he didn't know his name wasn't my son until he started school and how she used to breathe for him at night to save him the are always difficult when recovering from an illness with us I feel like I have a toddler in the house as I am constantly shouting don't touch that as he isn't supposed to lift anything for 6 weeks. Your mum sounds lovely and I bet your bf will be an absolute pussy cat for her... Don,t feel guilty about your MIL I haven't really spoken to mine in years and if I answer the home phone to her well the ice in her voice stabs me in the ear.

    Fingers and everything else I can cross for things to run smoothly or smoother and hope he recovers well

    Hugs VG x

  • Oh dear, VG! She sounds like a bit of a dragon! Had a bit of a giggle at the 'my son' thing! :D She's a bit of a mix up, my MIL - she seems to like time with 'just her boys', which neither of them put up with (much to her chagrin), but then at the same time manages to leave when they actually might need her. I can't quite work her out. We got on much better when his Dad was alive, as he was more down-to-earth, sensitive, and he liked me a lot (always a good thing!), and I think that they complimented each other a lot more than people realised, because she brought him out of his shell a bit. I try not to be too hard on her - it's got to be hard to lose the man you've been with for 44 years - but he's the one I love, so when it starts affecting him, I lose patience!

    Is your OH chomping at the bit to get back to 'normal', too? Mine's desperate to start doing stuff (with no discouragement from madam, I notice!), but it wears him out. I'll sort him out this weekend!

    Gentle hugs xx

  • Lol it's like having a toddler round the house I am forever shouting don't touch that as he goes to lift things... If he sets himself back I know who will be blamed for it.... Me by the MIL

    VG x

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