My week gets worse & worse

As many of you will know, last week I took an overdose, totally aimed at ending my life. I'd been driven to that point by a series of problems, but primarily because I couldn't cope with my pain anymore.

Since then I've been trying to find reasons to feel positive, although I have to admit that it's difficult at times. Thankfully I have been uplifted by the support of friends (including on this site) This morning I even dared to think that I'd turned the corner - but NO!!!

I had been trying to get myself motivated when I got a phone call on my mobile. I answered a little warily, when a rather slick sounding man told me that he has been asked to see me by DWP, to be truthful the only words I heard were DWP! He then 'asked' if I could attend an interview on 6th Nov @ 3.30 at blah,blah address in Bristol. At that point I did catch the word Bristol. "but how will I get there" I asked, bearing in mind that my last foray into Bath made me bedridden for 3 days. Actually, I lie, last time led to my overdose. The point being that I live in Frome, have no transport, no Husband, no carer anymore & no hope in hell of getting there in less than 3 hours, even if I could keep going that long. The slick man sounded quite miffed. "that's up to you, it's not down to us to organize that for you" says he.

I was too gobsmacked by his tone that I didn't stop to think that I wasn't even sure who he was. He did generously explain that I could re-arrange the appointment time once.

Maybe I should go the day before, book into a hotel & have a break, after all I get paid so much in benefits, it makes perfect sense!

I knew that I would need to go through this assessment at some stage, but NOW?

I know that it's not their fault that I am recovering from the overdose but even if I was feeling stronger, it's still a ridiculous distance to expect me to travel by bus!

I'm almost afraid to ask if things can get any worse.

So presuming he was the man from Atos, I have that to look forward to.

If they rule me capable of work, does anyone want to employ me? I've got lots of potential. I'm 60, virtually unable to walk, can't drive my mobility scooter 'cos I'm a liability & have too many crashes. Can't keep hold of my stick 'cos my hands don't work, can't keep off the loo because of IBS & food intolerances, am awaiting an appointment at the eye hospital (only 18 weeks wait) have to wear such dark glasses that people think I'm blind & also waiting to see the memory clinic. Maybe I shouldn't mention the depression & 17years of agoraphobia. It's so farsical - untill fairly recently I would have been considered a pensioner by now.

I don't know whether to laugh or cry!

Sorry for the epic blog - I needed to let off steam

20 Replies

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  • Cobby, my heart goes out to you. I wish I had answers for you, wish I could make it all better? its all so unfair.

    Makes me sick to the core, where does this end?

    Please try and stay strong. Lets hope and pray for help. x

  • thankyou nanatre. I'm off to bed now in the hope that things will look better in the morning x

  • cobby dont let the system wear you down and no matter how low you get remember you are SPECIAL . ive just lost my esa and im going to fight them . stay optomistic a lot of the time good comes from bad stay strong big hugs sandra xx

  • cobweb, I had an advocate to help liaise for me.

    I've been on to

    somerset.gov.uk/irj/go/km/d...

    on page 13 of this pdf it has this:-

    From May 2012 a new service called Somerset

    Total Advocacy, a partnership between A4e,

    Age UK, Somerset Mind and the Somerset Racial

    Equality Council will provide an advocacy service

    for anyone (including carers) who is FACS eligible

    (see page 46), and anyone contesting their

    eligibility.

    Somerset Total Advocacy

    c/o A4e, Independent Living Services, 2nd Floor,

    Victoria House, Victoria Street, Taunton

    Somerset TA1 3FA

    Phone: 01823 339494

    Fax: 01823 339492

    Email: Tauntonenquiries@a4e.co.uk

    please try this out for an advocate. at the very least you are entitled to a home assessment.

    stay strong,

    sandra.

  • Ohh Cobweb try these - it sounds like just what you need xx

  • thankyou Sandra, I've sent an email to enquire about an advocate & will follow up with a phone call tomorrow. Fingers crossed.

  • Hi dear.

    I hope that you wake up today with a fighting spirit if not fully positive.

    As said above. You are entitled to a home assessment.

    Check the tags on the right of this screen for information on your assessment meeting. I posted a video guide a couple of months back, you can find it if you click me and then my blogs. I have only posted a few.

    Like you I am alone and struggling to cope with no support other than here and other sites/friends worldwide who truly care.

    Are you getting Direct Payments to employ a PA to help you?

    I won't overload you, just sending you a hug, love and prayers.

    If there is anything I can help and if you want private talk, just message me. Fi xx

  • It really is unfair.... I live by a small hospital only does minor things a lot of my appointments are with the bigger hospital miles away... I don't drive so I have a choice.... £52 round trip fare by taxi.... Taxi to train station then train then another taxi.... Too expensive also... Two buses to small hospital to free shuttle bus or taxi to small hospital and free shuttle bus... The two bus option then the free bus makes it an 8 hour round trip the taxi and free bus makes it a 7 hour round trip... That's if my apt coincides with me being able to get the two buses to the hospital sometimes I have to get a taxi to the free bus... And guess what... You can't claim back taxi fare as its a luxury..... Ha a 7 seven hour round trip with fibro arthritis and ibs... And my gp wonders why I get so stressed.

    Very very grumpy today

    Cob web try and stay strong......

    Vent all you frustrations and anger and hurt on here and save your energy to challenge the idiots at DWP

    Hugs VGx

  • Hi cobweb

    I would strongly suggest you get some legal advice and ideally local advocacy. The organisation Sandra mentioned sounds excellent, otherwise one of the organisations listed on the link below may be able to help you:

    fibroaction.org/Pages/Benef...

    If you haven't yet got the Benefits & Work guides, email info@fibroaction.org and we can email them out to you. If there is something mentioned on the B&W site that we don't send, ask and we should be able to get hold of it and send it out for free.

    Best wishes

    Linz

  • Dont let them win....easier said than done I know!

    If I were you I would insist on a home assessment,and in the meantime get some help from citizens advice who should take a lot of the stress from your shoulders and put you in touch with a welfare officer who will take you under their wing. You have to offload the stress and share the burden. You are not alone.

    I send you love,strength and gentle hugs xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

  • Good morning cobweb,well it probably isn't for you but I do hope your starting to see the end of the tunnel,I no I can't give you mutch advice but I do understand about the suicide,I was told I had fibro 1yr ago and am just going to appeal DLA,all though I have a partner he realy doesn't understand it,iv been off work for 6 wks and I realy feel low,I'm thinking of leaving my partner as I feel a burdon on him and just feel like there's no need for me to be here anymore,I can't accept fibro and all that comes with it,so I no we are strangers but its going to be good for you to talk to us virtual friend! It's realy weird but I think you will find that although we all give good helpful advice we probably don't take it ourselves,we are going through or have through what you are going through,so you are not alone hun so please keep in touch with us,you need us as mutch as we need you! X

  • Hi Cobweb

    If I could put my arms around you I would. (((((((BIG SOFT FLUFFY HUGS))))))

    I can sympathise with a lot of what you have said. I did read your earlier post about your attempted suicide. I know how you felt & why you did what you did. I too did the same thingsa while back before even being diagnosed with depression & after all the fuss I had to get my meds on a 7 day basis incase I tried it again. It did however give me a wake-up call & I realise the people I hurt with my actions. I ended up under Physciatric Care & it really surprises me that you were'nt offered the same treatment.

    I never go out the door unless its in my area of where I live, places & face of things & people I know.

    I have an appointment with an 'Adovcat' this morning about my Tribunal for my ESA Appeal. My Mum cant take me as she has to see to my disabled brother but a friend has offered to take me. I've to be there at 11am & I am lucky that its nearby, not in my are but near enough.

    I think you should contact them & request a home visit or get in touch with CAB & they will help you.

    I have been in a bad Fibro Flare & I believe it came on because of a lot of stress I am under & with me not being a strong emotional person it has knocked me for six.

    I my temper at a post I replied to & the subsequent repliez I received I said I was leaving the site. I have tried with another but cant get the hang of it. I will do an apology blog when I get back today.

    Please try to get some help, phone around until you get to speak tonsomeone, explain how ill you are &'even they may offer a home visit. I have heard of it happening.

    I must go, it will take me so long to get ready for this appointment & to me its a big one to help & support me through my Tribunal. I did get a very good letter from my Dr on Friday to send to them, stating that I was only diagnosed with Fibro after seeing them but my back & hip problems continue as does my mental health.

    We must fight these people I have worked 30 years before being paid off with my ill health & I paid my taxes & National Insurance for all of those years to the government. I now feel its their turn to support me & the likes of you etc in the same way. If I. ould work & find work I would love it. It might give me back aife but I know those days have gone for me.

    I suffer badly & know it can be very hard. Please try look at the places which have been linked to your post, you may well be surprised at what they can offer you if you are honest & tell them what you have done & how your agrapho ia affects yoh.

    Sending you all my love & support.

    ((((Big Soft Fluffy Hugs))))

    Jackie xxx

  • Hi Cobweb

    If I could put my arms around you I would. (((((((BIG SOFT FLUFFY HUGS))))))

    I can sympathise with a lot of what you have said. I did read your earlier post about your attempted suicide. I know how you felt & why you did what you did. I too did the same thingsa while back before even being diagnosed with depression & after all the fuss I had to get my meds on a 7 day basis incase I tried it again. It did however give me a wake-up call & I realise the people I hurt with my actions. I ended up under Physciatric Care & it really surprises me that you were'nt offered the same treatment.

    I never go out the door unless its in my area of where I live, places & face of things & people I know.

    I have an appointment with an 'Adovcat' this morning about my Tribunal for my ESA Appeal. My Mum cant take me as she has to see to my disabled brother but a friend has offered to take me. I've to be there at 11am & I am lucky that its nearby, not in my are but near enough.

    I think you should contact them & request a home visit or get in touch with CAB & they will help you.

    I have been in a bad Fibro Flare & I believe it came on because of a lot of stress I am under & with me not being a strong emotional person it has knocked me for six.

    I my temper at a post I replied to & the subsequent repliez I received I said I was leaving the site. I have tried with another but cant get the hang of it. I will do an apology blog when I get back today.

    Please try to get some help, phone around until you get to speak tonsomeone, explain how ill you are &'even they may offer a home visit. I have heard of it happening.

    I must go, it will take me so long to get ready for this appointment & to me its a big one to help & support me through my Tribunal. I did get a very good letter from my Dr on Friday to send to them, stating that I was only diagnosed with Fibro after seeing them but my back & hip problems continue as does my mental health.

    We must fight these people I have worked 30 years before being paid off with my ill health & I paid my taxes & National Insurance for all of those years to the government. I now feel its their turn to support me & the likes of you etc in the same way. If I. ould work & find work I would love it. It might give me back aife but I know those days have gone for me.

    I suffer badly & know it can be very hard. Please try look at the places which have been linked to your post, you may well be surprised at what they can offer you if you are honest & tell them what you have done & how your agrapho ia affects yoh.

    Sending you all my love & support.

    ((((Big Soft Fluffy Hugs))))

    Jackie xxx

  • I am so upset for you cobweb but I do hope all these posts will be uplifting for you and that the links you have been given will open up the doors that you need opening for you.

    My heart truly goes out to you and I hope the sun starts to shine through for you today.

    Take good care of yourself and remember we are ALL here for you whenever you need us.

    E xxxxx :)

  • Hi Cobweb, Like everyone of our friends on her I feel so upset for you. But had to give you this info, When I went to Birmingham for DLA they paid for Taxi there and back so check with your local CAB to see if you can get this help as it sounds like you should be able to. Not sure about post code lottery on this though, but may well be worth you enquiring.

    (((( soft gentle hugs )))) Edna xx

  • Ring them back and say that you are much too poorly to make such a long and arduous journey and that they will need to make a home visit. Get your GP to write a letter or send a fax backing you up on this.

    Good luck

    Julie xxx

  • Hi cobweb

    How are you doing, I hope things are getting sorted out. As you can see from this thread you are very much loved by everyone and we are all here for you.

    I know it is very hard and there seems no end at the moment but stick with it. Make sure you check out the information Lindsey mentioned.

    Let us know how you are getting on.

    Lots of Piggie hugs xxxxxxx

  • Hello there Cobweb, so sorry you are having a tough time of it lately. The system doesn't help our stress levels and anxiety does it. I do feel for you as I am sure we all do. There is some good advice on this thread, certainly check out Lindsey's info, we can send you info to hopefully help you. Info on Lindsey's post.

    Wishing you all the best, state your case and the fact that it's impossible for you to travel etc., be armed with as much info as you can (Benefits and Work info comes in handy here!) and please be assured that we support you all the way and we all care about you.

    Please let us know how you get along and if there's anything we can do to help you. Here's a hug Cobweb for you (((hug)))

  • thankyou all so much (again) I don't know how I'd cope if I hadn't found this site & 'met' all you wonderful people.

    I will certainly try to find an advocate (isn't that a creamy drink?) ha ha! I didn't realize that you could get a home assessment - it's certainly worth a try.

    I'm feeling a little bit stronger today but am getting worried how easy it would be to slip back into agoraphobia. I haven't been out since I took the overdose & to be honest I haven't wanted to. I've just sent apologies to some groups that I was due to go to , I've said that I'm not well enough & even though that's true, I've felt quite releived - & that's the danger sign! I have an appointment with the GP on Thursday so I'll see if I manage that easily, if not I will have to have a serious talk with her. Of course it's more difficult because the doctors here don't know me because I'm new.

    On a positive note I interviewed a lady about becoming my new PA this morning & we hit it off immediately. Unfortunately I couldn't offer her the job straight away because I had arranged to see another lady on Friday. I feel that I have to keep the Friday appointment because she was due here last week, I'd forgotten & she saw me being whisked away in an ambulance., yet still wants to come for an interview. Part of me hopes I won't like her, I don't think I could make any important decisions at the mo!

    Anyway thats enough from me now, I'm going to look at those links.

    thanks all, love & hugs to each & everyone of you xxx

  • My dear Cobweb.

    I'm so sorry that you are having more than your fair share of hassels at the mo! You seem such a strong person in lots of ways, don't let the b@#*$%?> win, take some time to evaluate what you have & include all the people on here who truly care about you!

    If you forget things, or get easily upset about things (like I do) write a letter to take & give your GP. I was so depressed recently that I couldn't get more than four words out before blubbing! The Dr. took the note seriously, the letter did the trick, & I await help with counselling,& a self esteem group. I do hope yours will offer you something constructional & helpful.

    Hope you get a kind & caring PA who will take good care of you.

    Lots of love & gentle kisses xxx

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