As many of you will know, last week I took an overdose, totally aimed at ending my life. I'd been driven to that point by a series of problems, but primarily because I couldn't cope with my pain anymore.
Since then I've been trying to find reasons to feel positive, although I have to admit that it's difficult at times. Thankfully I have been uplifted by the support of friends (including on this site) This morning I even dared to think that I'd turned the corner - but NO!!!
I had been trying to get myself motivated when I got a phone call on my mobile. I answered a little warily, when a rather slick sounding man told me that he has been asked to see me by DWP, to be truthful the only words I heard were DWP! He then 'asked' if I could attend an interview on 6th Nov @ 3.30 at blah,blah address in Bristol. At that point I did catch the word Bristol. "but how will I get there" I asked, bearing in mind that my last foray into Bath made me bedridden for 3 days. Actually, I lie, last time led to my overdose. The point being that I live in Frome, have no transport, no Husband, no carer anymore & no hope in hell of getting there in less than 3 hours, even if I could keep going that long. The slick man sounded quite miffed. "that's up to you, it's not down to us to organize that for you" says he.
I was too gobsmacked by his tone that I didn't stop to think that I wasn't even sure who he was. He did generously explain that I could re-arrange the appointment time once.
Maybe I should go the day before, book into a hotel & have a break, after all I get paid so much in benefits, it makes perfect sense!
I knew that I would need to go through this assessment at some stage, but NOW?
I know that it's not their fault that I am recovering from the overdose but even if I was feeling stronger, it's still a ridiculous distance to expect me to travel by bus!
I'm almost afraid to ask if things can get any worse.
So presuming he was the man from Atos, I have that to look forward to.
If they rule me capable of work, does anyone want to employ me? I've got lots of potential. I'm 60, virtually unable to walk, can't drive my mobility scooter 'cos I'm a liability & have too many crashes. Can't keep hold of my stick 'cos my hands don't work, can't keep off the loo because of IBS & food intolerances, am awaiting an appointment at the eye hospital (only 18 weeks wait) have to wear such dark glasses that people think I'm blind & also waiting to see the memory clinic. Maybe I shouldn't mention the depression & 17years of agoraphobia. It's so farsical - untill fairly recently I would have been considered a pensioner by now.
I don't know whether to laugh or cry!
Sorry for the epic blog - I needed to let off steam