Omg i thought in the past i had, had panic attacks but this morning i got to feel the effects of what i know consider to be a panic attack, i never want one again but something tells me it will ( i know not very optimistic ).
Where did it come from i don't really know, my Paul usually gets in at 06:30 but this morning i got up at 07:00 and got on with the routine of getting Phoebe up and showered. Paul wasn't home and although i knew he had popped in to see his mum on the way home ( no he's not nuts she is always up at 6 ). I fed the dog then started to feel sick so got breakfast thinking it was just hunger, phoned his parents and i was right he was their but then deep down i knew that. I was doing Phoebe's sandwich when i started to shake and feel jelly like and Paul pulled up, thankfully. He comes in and asks if i'm ok to which i turned said no and felt my heart beat rapidly making me dizzy, i thought my heart was going to burst out my chest i wasn't aware at first that i was hyperventalating but Paul was across to me in a shot and caught me before i fell and sat me down and tried to get my breathing under control not easy i tried to drink water but Paul had to give it to me as i couldn't hold the glass, poor love was worrying madly said i was so pale, he went to get me a blanket but i just sank to the floor - if i'm already on the floor i can't fall hehe and finally i calmed down and the fuzzy jelly body slowly passed and i got my heart rate down. It was the most scary thing i have ever experienced even more scary than having back surgery. my body feels like it's been run over.
The whole time this is happening my wonderful 9 yr old Phoebe just sat eating her breakfast looking at me worried but we both assured her i was fine and that it was just a panic attack and love her she took it all in her stride. It all happened so fast and although i have an inkling as to why i still don't get why, in the past i have had better reasons to have a p.a.
I did still manage to issue orders, dry her hair and read with her before school once i was sat on a comfy safe sofa. Paul and Phoebe were amazing, Phoebe knew to just to stay quiet and not to get worried, and Paul never faultered and never judged he totally understand but then in the past he has suffered from p.a's. I do have a history of anxiety but that came out of the blue and scared the s..t out of me.
I hate fibro so much i feel so robbed by it, their were so many things i wanted to do that now are distant regrets. I generally stay positive and just get on with it but i'm resentful of it but i am actually one of the luckier sufferers as i am still mobile, i can still cook and clean i get out and about, but every day is like having constant flu and at times as though i have toothache in my bones or as if someone is drilling down my bones, don't know of any better way to describe it.
I will not be beaten, i wont , i wont , i wont ( if i say it enough do you think it will be true lol )
Night night fibromites xxxxx