Just for laughs!! - rated 18 - No Offense Intended :-)

The priest in a small Irish village was very fond of the chickens he kept in the hen house out the back of the parish rectory. He had a cock rooster and about ten hens. 

One Saturday night the cock rooster was missing and the priest suspected that was the time the cock fights occurred in the village. 

So he decided to do something about it at church the next morning. 

At Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?" All the men stood up. 

"No, No," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?" 

All the women stood up. "No, No," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?" 

Half the women stood up. "No, No," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen my cock?" 

All the alter boys stood up... 

A married couple were on holiday in Pakistan. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say, 'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.'

So the couple walked in and the shopkeeper says to them, 'I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. They have special power. They make you wild at sex like a great desert camel.' Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the shopkeeper claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex God he was.

The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals improve my abilities?' The Pakistani man replied, 'Just try them on! the sandals will prove it to you.' Well, the husband, after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes; something his wife hadn't seen in many years, raw sexual power!

In a blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Pakistani man, bent him violently over a table, yanked down the man's pants and his own, and grabbed firm hold of the man's thighs. The Pakistani shopkeeper then began screaming, 'YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET!'

Question: What do you call a gay dinosaur? 

Answer: A Mega-sore-ass.

How to impress a woman: compliment her, kiss her, love her, tease her, protect her, listen to her, support her.

How to impress a man: Show up naked, bring beer.

Last New Year's Eve, one woman stood up at the local tavern and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.  

It was embarrassing - The bartender was almost crushed to death.

Three blonde nuns in church on a hot day decide to remove their robes because of the heat. Not an unusual habit on a hot day. So about a half hour later, the door bell rings while their robes are slumped over pews clear across the huge chapel.

They ask who it is. "The blind man," a voice replies.

The three nuns decide to simply open the door because the man is blind. He walks in, looks at the nuns and says, "Nice tits! Where do you want me to install these blinds?"

Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg. 

Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?" 

"No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds. 

"Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both." 

"Fook off you liar!". 

"I'll prove it," Murphy says. 

So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?" 

"Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?"

Two women go out one weekend without their husbands. As they came back, just before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt the urge to pee. They noticed that the only place to stop was a cemetery. Scared and drunk, they stopped and decided to go there anyway. 

The first one did not have anything to blot herself with, so she took her panties off, used them and discarded them. The second, not finding anything either, thought "I'm not getting rid of my panties..." so she used the ribbon of a nearby flower wreath. 

The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one says to the other: "We have to be on the look-out; it seems that these two were up to no good last night, my wife came home without her panties..." The other one responded: "You're lucky, mine came home with a card stuck to her butt that read, "We will never forget you."

A man and a woman decided to travel to a deserted mountain road to make love. They park the car on a sloping shoulder off the road, take off all of their clothes, hop into the back seat, and start to rock the car. 

Well, the car is an older model, and they forget to set the emergency brake properly, and so the car starts rolling...off the slope, over a small overhang, and crashes. The woman is thrown clear, but the man is pinned inside the car. 

Man: "You're going to have to go get some help, I'm stuck." 

Woman: "Go get some help? I'm completely naked, you idiot!" 

The man grumbles, gropes around the car as best he can, and pulls out one of 

his shoes. "Here," he says, "put this where it will do you the most good, and go get some help, for Pete's sakes." So the woman wedges the shoe between her legs, and starts waddling down the road. 

Soon, she reaches a little shack. She knocks on the door, and an old grizzled gentleman answers. "You've got to help my boyfriend," blurts the nearly naked woman, "he's stuck." 

The old gentleman eyes the woman up and down and replies, "Honey, if he's in that far, I can't help him. 

There was a midget down in Texas whose testicles hurt and ached almost all the time. The midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem. The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him. The doc put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia. 

"Aha!" mumbled the doc and, as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again. 

"Aha!" said the doctor again, and reached for his surgical scissors. Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side, then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side. The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt. 

The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his testicles were no longer aching. 

The doctor said, "How does that feel now?" The midget replied, "Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it. What did you do?" 

The doctor replied, "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots." 

A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead.

The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.

The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows.

The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too." The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.

The vet brings in a black labrador. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks.

The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too."

The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes.

The vet answers, "$650."

"$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaimed the man.

"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests."

Q: How is a penis like fishing? 

A: The small ones you throw back, the medium ones you eat, and the larger ones you mount.

Five year old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!" 

The policeman said, "What's he like?" 

Little Johnny replied, "Beer and women!"

Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking at the local coffee shop. 

Dorothy: "That nice Joe asked me out for a date . . . I know that you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer." 

Edna: "Well . . . I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car . . a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner. . a marvelous dinner - lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show . . . let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me.... two times!" 

Dorothy: "Goodness gracious! . . so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?" 

Edna: "No, no, no . I'm just saying, wear an old dress." 

A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons. The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No, no, no," 

you're gripping the club way too hard!" "Well, what should I do?" asks the man. "Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast."The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and WOW! He hits the ball 250 yds. Straight up the fairway. The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson. The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard." "What can I do?"  

asks the wife."Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis." The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing,  

and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway . . . about 15 ft.  

"That was great," the pro says. "Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing the club like you're supposed to!" says the pro.

Thats All Folks :) x Dixie x

7 Replies

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  • No offence taken - LOL!

    Brilliant - i just love a good laugh. Thank you

  • hello and once again thanks for making me laugh what a tonic take care love beth x

  • Good to see a cheerful post on this site xx

  • Oh dear laughed so much at some of them my muscles went into a spazm ....note to self " only read a few at a time till you are stronger "

    lol

  • really funny Dixie thanks for the giggles xx

  • hehe - thanks for this post xxx

  • That gave me such a much needed laugh. thank you. some really good ones.xx

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