On hearing that her elderly grandfather had died, Jenny went straight to visit her grandmother. When she asked how her grandpa had died, her grandma explained, not holding back anything of course, "He had a heart attack during sex, Sunday morning!" Horrified, Jenny suggested that sex at the age of 94 was surely asking for trouble! "Oh no," her grandma replied. "We had sex every Sunday morning in time with the church bells!" "In with the dings, out with the dongs!" She paused to wipe away a tear, "If it wasn't for that damn Ice Cream Truck, he'd still be alive!!!"
A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she see a well-known Chinese sex therapist, Dr.Chang, so she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all you crose." The woman did as she was told. "Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room." Again, the woman did as she was instructed. Dr.Chang then said, "OK,now craw reery, reery fass back to me." So she did. Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said, "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates." Worried, the woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?" Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eye and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass."
When I'm a little old lady, then I'll live with my children and bring them great joy.
To repay all I've had from each girl and boy I shall draw on the walls and scuff up the floor; run in and out without closing the door.
I'll hide frogs in the pantry, socks under my bed. And whenever they scold me, I'll hang my head.
I'll run and I'll romp, always fritter away ..... the time to be spent doing chores every day.
I'll pester my children when they are on the phone. As long as they're busy I won't leave them alone.
Hide candy in closets, rocks in a drawer ... and never pick up what I drop on the floor.
Dash off to the movies and not wash a dish. I'll plead for allowance whenever I wish.
I'll stuff up the plumbing and deluge the floor. As soon as they've mopped it, I'll flood it some more.
When they correct me, I'll lie down and cry, kicking and screaming, not a tear in my eye.
I'll take all their pencils and flashlights, and then .. when they buy new ones, I'll take them again.
I'll spill glasses of milk to complete every meal .... Eat my banana and just drop the peel.
Put toys on the table, spill jam on the floor. I'll break lots of dishes as though I were four.
What fun I shall have, what joy it will be to Live with my children....just the way that they lived with me!
A blonde stormed up to the front desk of a library and said, "I have a complaint!"
"I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!"
"What was wrong with it?"
"It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!"
The librarian nodded and said, "Ah. So you must be the person who took our phone book."
An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.
Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.
In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled
pile at his feet.
As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard (barely containing his laughter) who had watched the whole incident walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here! ?"
The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost!"
A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar... FREE BEER! FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST! So the guy asks the bartender what the test is.Bartender replies "Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there's a woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her." The guy says, "Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there.Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?"He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence. The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body.
"Now" he says "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?"
A blonde keeps having the same weird dream, so she goes to her psychologist.
psychologist: "What is your dream about?"
Blonde: "I am being chased by a vampire..."
psychologist: "So, where are you in this dream?"
Blonde: "I am running in a hallway."
psychologist: "Then what happens?"
Blonde: "Well, that's the weird thing. In every single dream, the same thing happens. I always come to a door, but I can't open it. I keep pushing the door and pushing the door, but it won't budge!"
psychologist: "Does the door have any letters on it?"
psychologist: "And what do these letter spell?"
Blonde: "P.. U... L... L..."
It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.
She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice.
When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."
He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar."
The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."
Thats all folks