Pain!!

[chilli50]

Hi

I feel so down today.

Ive been suffering from sickness in the morning for the last 2 years ona nd off but for the last week its been horrendous. I have been so sick a nd in so much stomach pain on top of everything else that i havent known what to do with myself.

Yesterday my fella went to the doctors and explained what was wrong with me and told them i had been ringing them all day but couldnt get through. I got a phone call form the doctor and who should it be but only th gp i try to see each time as she knows pretty mu.ch everything thats going on. It only took a few questions for her to say she would see me. She atually finished work about the time i talked to her and she stayed behind to see me even though she had kids that needed picking up bless her. I sometimes think that shes not as efficient in certain things as she could be but if i ant some sympathy shes there. Anyway she has diagnosed gastritis but says because i havent had diahorrea that its not standard and has given me lansoprazole to take for a month. Im in agony and im not able to take my meds as they give me crippling pain and vomiting.

When i went to see her i cried and told her that i was having trouble keeping even water down and that im so tired as ive had around 6 hours sleep in the last few days. Ive got to ha e a really bland diet snd cant even have a cup of tea or god help me CHOCOLATE as well as the usual no spicy food etc. What she didnt tell me is that it could take a good month for the pain etc to stop.

Alot of this is caused by stress, i know this myself but quite a bit of this is out of my control and im not able to reduce it really. Both my mum and sister are seriously ill and at the moment we dont know what the prognosis for my sister is. She has cancer that has spread and may actually die. My mum has had 2 heart attacks in the last 6 months and last time (she didnt know she had already had one til then) she decided to clean the flat before she rang an ambulance. She was woken by the pain and could have died in her sleep. Thank god she didnt.

I also have full time care of 2 grandsons aged 5 and 6 who both suffer with behavioural problems. I find them hard to deal with but they are my life. Both their parents gave up on them and it was me or care. I had 24 hourz notice that there was even a problem before they came to live with me and my fella and around the same time i had abdominal surgery and contracted a form of mrsa in the wound. That was 4 years ago now and i believe that is what triggered fm for me.

Now ive had both my partner and my mum saying that they dont think i can cope withthe children and that i should seriously think about them living with us. My mum even went so far as to say i was selfish to not want to give up and that they could have so much more than they have at the moment. I have to admit that im not the most patient of people but i KNOW that i can give them love. I dont think their self esteem is very high and i really dont want them to feel that mummy and daddy gave up on them and now even nanny has so there must be something really bad about themselves for people not to want them. I had that when growing up and its left a legacy of very poor self worth behind that has affected most areas of my life and thats the last thing i want for them both.

I also feel that if i gave up on them that i couldnt/wouldnt live with myself. I dont feel that ive tried evrything i can yet with the boys and if and when that time comes then i will seriously think about it then but until then its definitely not something i even want to think about. I refuse to admit defeat although things may change in the future. I doubt it though.

Anyway, i have to say i feel slightly less down now as ive vented so well. Its not surprising that i feel the way i do and i know that i just need to take it one day at a time. First is to deal with this damned gastritis! Ill feel much better when ive had a good nights sleep and a bite to eat. Ill see how i feel later. At the moment im just grateful that i dont feel sick, just a little queasy.

Im sorry for the extremely long post guys. I hope you are all having a better day than me lol

Love and huggles

Chilli xx

[lynz]

wow ,with all that you have had to deal with no wonder your stressed ,what a brilliant lady you are ,you should and must be so proud of yourself ,

i really hope you feel better soon ,how awful for you ,to have this sickness for so long ,

i shall say again i think you are brilliant for taking on your two grandsons ,well done you !

sending lots of hugs xxx

[soulsusie]

Hello Chilli, having read your blog, I feel so sad for you. You are really going through awful times at the momment.

I think it helps to write everything down.

Try and rest and think positively, you obviously have a fantastic GP so you are lucky on that score. This weather is pretty depressing...... are we ever going to get a Summer!!

Soft Hugs x x x

[Hidden]

hi there

this is the blog site clown trying to be serious just for you... lets get this straight stop feeling guilty because you are too ill at the moment to do what you normally do for the boys. you have done what NO ONE ELSE would do by taking them in and i applaud you. how old are the boys i know they have behaveiour problems but there must always be a good side to all children and adults. appeal to that side. sit them down and tell them excatly what you told us. tell them you adore them and that you being ill does not mean that they have to leave they are prob feeling insecure you may find they will calm down a little if they understand the situation

so sorry for for you stomach pain i have a hiatus hernis that doctors have had to ignore because i cant take any aneasthetic products. i know wht it means to curl up in agony and just want to die they said labour pains were bad huh i went thru four births with out any pain drugs etc and didnt call out but i do with the tummy pain...... god bless you for being such a wonderful caring and loyal nan huggies from me petal

[Hidden]

practical things first, can you get some help with the kids, have they social workers, could you get a little respite care for them, are you getting all the help you need, physically and mentally, youve got alot going on.and no one is strong enough to take on what you have without support, at the moment your ill, dont make any decisions about the kids future yet, your mums wrong your not selfish, you sound like a nana that wants to do all she can and who loves those kids dearly. I really hope you can get all the help you need, speak to your gp she may be able to help, your a fanastic nanna, so be proud of that XXXX

[chilli50]

Hi everyone

Thank you so much for your wonderful comments! You have all given me the strength i need to carry on for a bit longer with such kind and caring words. If im completely honest, you have said much nicer things to me than my daughter has said and i seriously appreciate the acknowledgement that im trying my best.

You are so right! I adore the boys and would do anything for them. Maybe in the future i will be too sick to care for them permanently but right now, bring on the fight lol.

Im glad to say that i got a few hours sleep last nite and am able to keep water down now so although i still woke up sick, it wasnt with the open my eyes and vomit situation it has been for the last week so i do feel marginally better, thank goodness! I HATE vomiting and cry like a baby, snotty nose and everything lol

When im having a hard time and feel down, im going to look at these comments. They will make me realise that while maybe im not doing everything i could for the boys, i can give them love and security. Something they werent getting much of until they came to live here

Anyway, thank you again for all your lovely words. I hope you all have as pain free and comfortable day as is possible...

Love and gentle (((huggles)))

Chilli xxx

[chilli50]

Sorry, i forgot to say that the boys are 5 and 6. I think im going to give social services a ring and see what they say. Ill let you know whats said

Thanks again

Love and gentle huggles

Chilli xxx