I feel so down today.
Ive been suffering from sickness in the morning for the last 2 years ona nd off but for the last week its been horrendous. I have been so sick a nd in so much stomach pain on top of everything else that i havent known what to do with myself.
Yesterday my fella went to the doctors and explained what was wrong with me and told them i had been ringing them all day but couldnt get through. I got a phone call form the doctor and who should it be but only th gp i try to see each time as she knows pretty mu.ch everything thats going on. It only took a few questions for her to say she would see me. She atually finished work about the time i talked to her and she stayed behind to see me even though she had kids that needed picking up bless her. I sometimes think that shes not as efficient in certain things as she could be but if i ant some sympathy shes there. Anyway she has diagnosed gastritis but says because i havent had diahorrea that its not standard and has given me lansoprazole to take for a month. Im in agony and im not able to take my meds as they give me crippling pain and vomiting.
When i went to see her i cried and told her that i was having trouble keeping even water down and that im so tired as ive had around 6 hours sleep in the last few days. Ive got to ha e a really bland diet snd cant even have a cup of tea or god help me CHOCOLATE as well as the usual no spicy food etc. What she didnt tell me is that it could take a good month for the pain etc to stop.
Alot of this is caused by stress, i know this myself but quite a bit of this is out of my control and im not able to reduce it really. Both my mum and sister are seriously ill and at the moment we dont know what the prognosis for my sister is. She has cancer that has spread and may actually die. My mum has had 2 heart attacks in the last 6 months and last time (she didnt know she had already had one til then) she decided to clean the flat before she rang an ambulance. She was woken by the pain and could have died in her sleep. Thank god she didnt.
I also have full time care of 2 grandsons aged 5 and 6 who both suffer with behavioural problems. I find them hard to deal with but they are my life. Both their parents gave up on them and it was me or care. I had 24 hourz notice that there was even a problem before they came to live with me and my fella and around the same time i had abdominal surgery and contracted a form of mrsa in the wound. That was 4 years ago now and i believe that is what triggered fm for me.
Now ive had both my partner and my mum saying that they dont think i can cope withthe children and that i should seriously think about them living with us. My mum even went so far as to say i was selfish to not want to give up and that they could have so much more than they have at the moment. I have to admit that im not the most patient of people but i KNOW that i can give them love. I dont think their self esteem is very high and i really dont want them to feel that mummy and daddy gave up on them and now even nanny has so there must be something really bad about themselves for people not to want them. I had that when growing up and its left a legacy of very poor self worth behind that has affected most areas of my life and thats the last thing i want for them both.
I also feel that if i gave up on them that i couldnt/wouldnt live with myself. I dont feel that ive tried evrything i can yet with the boys and if and when that time comes then i will seriously think about it then but until then its definitely not something i even want to think about. I refuse to admit defeat although things may change in the future. I doubt it though.
Anyway, i have to say i feel slightly less down now as ive vented so well. Its not surprising that i feel the way i do and i know that i just need to take it one day at a time. First is to deal with this damned gastritis! Ill feel much better when ive had a good nights sleep and a bite to eat. Ill see how i feel later. At the moment im just grateful that i dont feel sick, just a little queasy.
Im sorry for the extremely long post guys. I hope you are all having a better day than me lol
Love and huggles