I don't see a way out of this... and i'm scared for my future.

[UndercoverHippie]

Admin: *********** trigger warning as some comments on suicide. ***********

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Hi all,

Thank you for clicking on my post- I would like to preface this with a trigger warning. I will be discussing suicidal thoughts and feelings of hopelessness so, if you're not in the right state of mind, I don't want to make it worse!

I am in the most stressful, chaotic, unsettling, unmanageable, confusing time in my 27 years on this planet (which scares me, because it'll probably only get worse through life, with bigger and scarier problems, right?) If anyone has any advice on how I can drag myself out of this abyssal **** hole that is my life without just straight up ending it, I would be so grateful.

Anyways... where to start? Firstly, my relationship.

I made a post a few months ago having relationship problems due to my health conditions. My partner wasn't sure he could handle my conditions (he wants to travel, is quite active, etc) and we split up over it. That lasted all of 5 days before we were back together because he realised what huge mistake it was to let me go- we had a big discussion on the subject and moved forward in our relationship. Now, a few months down the line, I am still feeling anxious about whether or not he is just going to up and leave me again? At the moment I am going through one of the most stressful moments of my young adulthood and he is getting pissed off at me for things like not closing the doors behind me (As someone with fibro-fog and ADHD, he is lucky I remember to open them before I try to walk through some days!) forgetting things, being a bit messy (I'm just untidy and don't always have the energy/executive function to do things straight away, whereas he like to tidy as he goes along) and he doesn't feel appreciated for being there for me through all the crap that has been happening recently.

Has anyone got any tips on keeping a space tidier when you live out of bags and suitcases all the time? I've tried Travel cubes but they just add an extra layer of difficulty and make it harder for me to keep things tidy. I am very good at a deep clean once or twice a week but doing things daily, I struggle with and I am struggling living out of the suitcases and bags but there is not much room for me to store anything here. My bags and stuff are always in the way somewhere because there is no-where for them to go where they will 100% be out of everybody's way ( I live out of bags and suitcases due to travelling between him and wherever home is at the time, he never comes to mine- I have a single bed and it isn't the most comfortable thing in the world- yet I stay at his parents house with him in their tiny renovated garage on a futon and don't kick up a fuss, despite it being **** for my body. I've done this for 7 months and only twice did he ever come to me- one being our first date)

Secondly, moving house in the UK when you have to use housing allowance is a crock of ****. They barely give you enough to live on as it is, then all you can afford is the worst houses going or house shares (which I just can't do- my anxiety will paralyse me and it will not be worth changing my current situation) and there is no help whatsoever from the government or even charities designed for this, it is so stressful and has had me on the verge of a mental breakdown for the best part of 6 weeks. I think it is ridiculous and absolutely disgusting how little help there is for disabled people who can't work, who need to move house. At least I have the grace and dumb luck of being flexible with where I live, but even taking into account that I am looking at the entirety of the west midlands, willing to move to northampton to wales if needs be to find a home and even looking all the way down in southampton (I have family there), despite all of that flexibility with location, I can count on one hand the amount of viewings i've been able to book. Whether that be because the landlords have insurance that states their tenant has to be in full time employment, whether they are just ***** illegally refusing DSS, or because the properties I can afford, have so many potentials that who is going to pick the disabled girl who can't work over someone in full time employment? Even though I thought I would have made a safer bet as my money is guaranteed, whereas the employee can get sacked next week and be left in the ****?

Has anyone got any advice on moving properties in the UK? At this rate, I don't care about the location, I just want my own home that is mine and no-one else's.

Also, let's play devil's advocate. Let's say I've decided I can work the same as any other neuro/body typical human being. I would have to find an employer willing to take on a disabled girl who hasn't been able to work since 2021, who is aware and understanding of my needs, pays me the same rate as my Universal credit with LCWRA, PIP and Housing allowance (Let's hypothetically say 2k per month after tax, etc.) and in doing so, I would obviously have to give up my benefits to do so, therefore I would have to give up my mobility car and find a new one, where I would then have to pay road tax/Insurance/MOTs/Repairs- so let's say that is another £200/300 per month, then fuel on top of that. Plus rent, food, tax, bills, medication, etc. How the **** is anyone supposed to live like this? I struggle in day to day life, let alone in a professional environment and these are my two options?

1) Stay in my current situation, accept it and accept that my life is always going to be in the hands of other people, that I am never going to have money, travel or have a homestead, never have children because morally- how can I potentially condemn them to the same ****? Financially- how in the world am I supposed to wrangle this without pulling a bank job? Mentally- forget about it!

2) Choose the other suck. Give up my benefits safety blanket that I have work so hard to be accepted for and will probably never get back, somehow get a job and try my best to keep the damn thing, learn how to live without a car at first, scrimp and save every penny to afford a crappy car that is going to hurt to drive and cost a bomb just to have, plus a flat to myself, which is going to cost nearly £1,000 per months just to keep running and struggle through a 9-5 that I am not confident I would be able to keep. What terrifies me is doing all of this, realising it was a mistake and not being able to return to the same levels of help that I have afforded to me now.

Either way, I think I am in for a mental breakdown. Either way it sucks and is going to take a huge toll on my mental health. Any advice?

I hear you barking big dog "Damn, this girl sounds like she needs Therapy, ASAP!" And you would be so right! However, because i'm between addresses in two different counties, it is impossible to receive the medical help that I so desperately need. I have managed to move my GP to one near one of the addresses, yet I am so hesitant to start any referrals for therapy or fibro specialists because i'm going to have to move and start the whole process again anyway.

In conclusion, I feel like my only option right now is to end it all. I've had such intense suicidal thoughts recently and it is looking more and more like the only way out of this. I feel so trapped, so hopeless and so lost, that I genuinely cannot see the light at the end of this tunnel. Has anyone dealt with this? Had the same or similar issues? I need some help and soon.

[desquinn Partner Volunteer FMAUK Trustee]

So there is a lot in this post and as with most things that are complicated or indeed advice from therapists or counsellors it is one thing at a time. Simplify the problems and make some progress. Trying to fix all things at one time is not the way to go.

I am sorry you are at a point that you feel you have few options left. Remember there are services available like Breathe, Mind or the Samaritans that can give space and a non judgmental voice on the other end of a phone. In the time I have been involved with the charity I have not had a conversation where every option available has been considered.

Some treatments take time, some need the person to be at the right point to accept them, and some are counter intuitive. Mood (Anxiety, Depression and other mental health elements) can greatly impact the way we feel pain. Having low mood not only makes us dwell on the pain but studies show it makes the pain feel worse.

So addressing stress, mood and other environmental factors can provide help to the pain. Please seek some further help from your GP and talk about how you are feeling. Accessing mental health support and potentially antidepressants could help with both mood and your pain. Call your local mental health crisis team if needed. Having options is important and even what you have referenced is an option for some but it is a final one so please ensure that other things have been considered.

If you look on the MIND website they have a lot of helpful resources as well.

Regarding housing situation options like shelter are worthwhile reaching out to but again rather than having multiple things that are contingent on each other like therapy and housing you need to nail one down and get that sorted and then move onto the next.

A post like this that covers your whole situation as you see it will also put others off helping as it has too many parts. reaching out to local crisis team and seeing if there is some advocacy or counsellor that could guide you through some decisions perhaps may be worthwhile.

[UndercoverHippie in reply to desquinn]

Thank you for your response- I understand it was a long post and had many pitfalls, for which I am grateful everybody took the time to read and curate a response. However, when you're in this state of mind, it is rarely easy to narrow it down down to a single or even two singular things- especially when chronic conditions are involved, as i'm sure you're aware. I have tried shelter, citizens advice, local councils and even called over 100 individual letting agencies resulting in one unsuccessful house viewing and as far as help with housing goes I have exhausted all of my options but slugging through the listings, calling up each posting and praying they will take DSS. I have taken note of Breathe and Mind- I don't feel comfortable talking to the samaritans due to my living situations and the compromising of privacy that entails. Thank you for your suggestions, they have been helpful <3

[cosmondo]

Reading this, you sound an incredible human being & clearly have so much to offer. You are witty, insightful, creative & hard working.

Even with all your health issues & personal circumstances, your boyfriend knew he'd likely never find someone as special again.

I deal with my situation as if I'm playing the game of life on expert mode, where every single decision is made as hard as possible. While others are playing on noob mode & will likely never face the challenges you have.

We all have the option to quit the game, although it would be wonderful to see you complete it. You have all the skill, intelligence & awareness to do so, that much shines through you & is very obvious to those with eyes.

You'll find a way, you always do.

Never give up, you're too special.

Peace 💚

[UndercoverHippie in reply to cosmondo]

I am loving your analogy, as a little bit of a gamer myself I related to it so hard! It makes me think of the times I've rage quit the game and I've convinced myself I never want to play again, and sure enough a few hours later and i'm playing the damn thing again haha Thank you so much for your response, your words are too kind <3

[Yassytina FMA UK Volunteer]

Hello, I think anybody here that has felt the way you are felling right now will have lots of empathy , that feeling of not seeing any light at the end of a very dark tunnel is beyond daunting, a few years back before I was diagnosed with Fibro /Cfs I could not figure out why I felt so low,it was like living in someone else’s body and every morning I woke up I just wished this horrid feeling would go away ,it didn’t , eventually an appointment one weekend with 111 I saw a lady doctor who gave me hope, she said firstly I was on the wrong medication and set me off on a different path of meds too try , this was my saving grace , did I reach out for help , yes I did, my closest friend and. I had CBT one too one , I don’t know at the time I had these conditions so it all started too make sense. The 111 health service when you ring has a button /number you press too speak too the mental health team , pick the phone up and speak too someone, you have reached out here so letting your feelings out is a start, w e get fibro on its own can be life changing for some ,I hope Desquinn s reply is helpful with information xx

[UndercoverHippie in reply to Yassytina]

Thank you so much for your response, I didn't know that 111 had that function! I will keep this in mind <3

[CheetieCat]

Sometimes looking too far in front is overwhelming and it just makes everything seem too much, too hard, unobtainable when breaking things down into smaller, more manageable pieces it can be easier to focus.

Once you manage a small change it can give you your feeling of being in control back rather than feeling everything is just chaos all around you and happening to you.

Writing things down, how you're feeling, how your anxiety, pain, fatigue etc is on a daily basis and how it's affecting you can be helpful, also good for any appointments.

Maybe start with 1 or 2 things like making an appointment to speak with a GP. Don't worry about maybe moving and maybe not being there long. Focus on right now, focus on you and how you're feeling.

Give yourself a break like you would anyone else, you're dealing with a lot. Keep talking and please remember there is help out there and plenty of good people on here always available to listen. xx

[UndercoverHippie in reply to CheetieCat]

I feel like i can't help but look far forward right now because it feels like my happiness, at least for the next year or so hinges on the decisions i'm making now- where to live, whether or not to pursue work, etc. I am trying to start small and focus on one thing at a time but it feels like it is all demanding my attention at the same time! I agree with getting an appointment with the GP, I'll call them tomorrow morning. Thank you so much for your response, it has been very helpful <3

[CheetieCat]

Yes I totally get that, it must be really difficult not to.

Just to add on the job front though it doesn't have to be all or nothing so to speak.

Many people work various hours whilst receiving benefits and their mobility car.

I've added a couple of links you might find helpful at a later date.

gov.uk/access-to-work/eligi...

scope.org.uk/employment-ser...

Take care x

[Elaine200756]

Hi Undercover Hippie, I relate. Not to the circumstances but to the suicidal thoughts and feelings. For me, this was when I was feeling overwhelmed, like yourself, and I couldn't see a way out or any end to my situation.

Through years of experience and reaching out to speak to trusted others, I learnt that they have other options to offer. That speaking about how I was feeling and what I was thinking helped me to keep myself safe and lessened the feelings of despair and isolation. And that I would survive this. Thoughts and feelings, no matter how intense, are just that. It's the decisions you make because of these that are important.

Des mentioned the crisis team, among other things that could help. And CheetieCat mentioned writing things down. I used writing as therapy, in the early hours of the morning especially, when there was no one available that I could talk to.

Just keep posting and talking to someone who you trust and who will understand and not panic. You won't always feel like this. You will be happy again. I will hold onto hope for you until you are strong enough to have hope yourself. You are amazing and have much to give.

With love and prayer, Elaine xx 🤗

[Applespearspeaches]

oh my gosh !! You really have taken on board everything!! And it’s all running round in your head with no solutions!!

I’m thinking now you’ve actually written down everything that’s wrong in your life and the good points ( someone does care about you ) you can keep reading it. ! I have experienced some terrible things too. , what I did was write it down ( I’ve actually still got it and occasionally read it just to see how far I’ve come )

Every time you read it , something just clicks and a little idea pops up bringing a solution, it’s a long journey to complete and feel better about yourself but one step at a time !!

Ps when you pass a mirror take a look and smile at yourself your going to make it through, keep strong 😊

[jhorsf]

When you are struggling and need help, you need to seek out the suggestions on here, people will help if you are willing to let them in , PLEASE let them in , they care it's not just a job.We all go through life and will suffer like you ,the best way to come out smiling is to use the help .You have a wonderful life in front of you , THANK YOU for posting this,it's the first step, people care get in touch with the ones that can make a difference today.God bless

[Africanmonkey]

I live in Lincolnshire and around us some property's are going for 500 a month

[pokerface69]

Hey there, I'm sorry to hear things are so difficult for you. Just to let you know that you can still claim PIP if you are able to work - it isn't means tested and you could still be eligible for a car through the motability scheme. In my experience though, I was questioned more about the severity of my disabilities when I was working so do bear that in mind.

Not everyone can deal with their partner being chronically ill (mine couldn't) and I found it was more stressful having an unhelpful partner that doesn't accept or understand you limitations than being single.

Good luck, none of this is easy and I hope you can navigate through to a more stable situation. All the best. xxx

[hf1981]

Hi. I'm just reading your post now and my heart goes out to you I wish I had a magic wand to help you.

I think writing everything down is an amazing start and well done for that.

I had similar feelings at one point in my life with fibromyalgia and other stuff going on in my life.

Like you I wrote it all down and talked to others. I kept going back to what I'd written and changing it as I moved on

You've had some great advice on here and I hope you feel strong enough to follow the bits you feel that you can and change the things you feel strong enough to do

Change won't happen overnight but hopefully will do in time

Sending gentle hugs and prayers