Stubborn children

Does any one feel let down with adult children , my children are a bit of a let down to me ,with my fibromyalgia I struggle to do things around my home ,but my children still expect me to do most everything . I try my best to do things but it leaves me exhausted and in pain with very little help from them .I try to make them understand how I feel ,but there response is like they are doing me a favour by helping ,I am at my wits end and it does not help my anxiety or depression .I-hope this makes sense I don’t usually post any thing

[thespianglobe]

Hmm..I feel your pain. I need to start by saying that my husband and son are both great and mean well but as always the problem with fibro is that you look OK (ish), most people can't see anything wrong and think you are moaning about nothing. I too get very fed up with trying to cope with everything at home. If I ask for help they would wade in but it would be so lovely if they actually looked at me once in a while, saw that I was struggling and offered assistance before I began to lose it. I get very tired, brain fog sets I and I can't always find the words, my husband picked me up on some nonsense I came out with last night and it ended up in a huge row. Try not to get upset it is just people being people and I'm afraid that many guys are not very empathetic. Not sure if you have sons or daughters.

[Hidden in reply to thespianglobe]

Thank you for your reply ,it’s great to I am not alone , as you said people look at me and think oh he’s ok but they don’t see how well we mask the pain ,I have two sons and a daughter , one son has autism ,but the other two it like banging my head against the wall with them .

[Fra22-57]

First I will say is that if we are lucky to have children then we are blessed but some are more emphatic than others.Whether having an illness or not some kids just don’t see it.I have a daughter who works her butt off to keep her kids fed and in a nice house but they never offer to help.She has just had a blood clot on her lung n been in hospital but they have been very unhelpful.I would be very angry ill or not ill and was very vocal when bringing my kids up.Can’t your husband defend you and tell them to pull their weight and be more sympathetic too.My husband and sisters pull me up jokingly on my words and some times I just snap as they forget I have problems. thespianglobe is right thou these illnesses are hidden so you look okish most of the time.It’s like we have to carry a placard to shout out

[Yassytina FMA UK Volunteer]

Yes completely understand, perhaps if you gradually do less and say let them see their favourite clothes have not gone the wash etc ,say well uve a pair of hands , do less and even if they moan it’s a good way to drive the message home, take yourself off to another room with a cuppa @ switch off away from them , even take yourself out for a coffee if your up too it and not make yourself available all the time, how old are your children ? Xx

[Jaycee18]

It’s horrible when you feel it all falls on you, especially when you are feeling rough. I found it helpful to be very specific about what I expected them to do.

For example I stopped cleaning their rooms years ago and things only get washed if they are in the wash basket - which includes them changing their own beds, towels etc. Just close the doors and don’t worry about the mess.

We had a chat one night about how I would like them to do more, so my son now loads the dishwasher every evening that he is home. When my daughter is home from uni she will make dinner once a week. We started this before she started uni and it has been really helpful on both sides because as well as giving me a break she is well able to fend for herself now.

If I ask them for help they say they don’t mind and generally get on with it. Yes it would be lovely if they noticed I was struggling and offered help but sometimes it just doesn’t seem to occur to them. I do wonder whether they don’t like to accept that their mum can’t do some things anymore.

[Hidden in reply to Jaycee18]

They are daughter 29 son 24 Son 23 eldest son is autistic .

[Midori]

Do these adult children still live with you? If so, they can help out around the place.

I find that kids of all ages still need prodding, as they have become used to 'Mum's there, she will do it!' ( sorry, just realised you are Dad.)

Why are they not out doing their own thing/ having their own homes, etc? The less there are, the less the strain on you. Do you still have a husband there? Could he not have a word with them?

Kids of all ages should be responsible for their own rooms, help with cooking and doing odd jobs around the place, Not sit on their backsides and use you as a servant. Do they pay you rent? They should be if they are working and earning.

Look up and print off a copy of The Spoon Theory if you can. It will help them understand how Fibro affects you through the day and why you are exhausted by evening. It is possible to borrow from the following day's energy; but it's like going overdrawn at the bank, it has to be paid back, and the interest rate is high.

Hope this helps a little.

Cheers, Midori

[Hidden in reply to Midori]

Sorry should have made I clear to you I am a single dad ,there mum through them out when she got a new partner.my youngest he works part time at a local greggs my daughter is a teaching assistant .They are all say they are tired all the time ,I tried to explain about me been tired and in pain ,but to no avail it’s like talking to a brick wall,so I have been doing what you said and cutting back on what I do for them ,but I have a soft heart but have to get tougher with them .Thank you all for your support and help I great that there is support out there.

[Midori]

Yep, you need to get tough. even your autistic son can help with some things and your daughter could definitely do more. I know a teaching assistant can be tough, but not as tough as what you are going through.

You need to put yourself first, because if you aren't in the best condition you can be, then you won't be able to take care of them, even from a back seat! With both of them earning, I hope you are taking a contribution towards heating, lighting and food costs at the very least.

Cheers, Midori

[Hidden in reply to Midori]

Thanks again I realised I have to get tough with them and yes they contribute to food,and everything else ,every one has been so helpful on here ,thanks to you all .

[dansleau]

As for me, I preferred them to stop distracting me and that already was a huge help. Try to distract them, as for my kids, when they were small, they liked coloring pages, could do this for hours. coloring-for-kids.com/ try it out