Being a mum in pain

[Fletch]

I have an 18 month old boy and fibromyalgia and I'm really really struggling to look after him when my husband goes to work. He deserves so much better than my need to constantly rest, off her face on tramadol and sticking him infront of CBeebies while I try and force myself to do something nice with him. I feel terrible. He goes to a childminders 2 afternoons a week to give me some rest bite but lately it hasn't been enough. We can't afford for him to go more often though. We don't have "a village" to help out unfortunately. I want so much more for my son than him seeing his mum struggling in this way

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Hi

I'm sorry you are struggling so much. Have you been referred to a pain clinic, this could help you with different exercises you could do as well as a pain med that helps you. Maybe ask your GO to send an urgent referral through for you and if he can perhaps give you a med that doesn't make you feel so tired . This isn't your fault that you aren't well but what your son will always know is that you love him every second of every day.. I know it must be hard not being able to do what you want to do with him, I would have felt just like you if I had been diagnosed at your age and having to run around after a little one.

I hope this has helped you a little bit. Have you got someone in your bubble who could perhaps help you a little but? I'm no expert but wanted to give you a few pointers.

Take care and stay safe

Love and hugs Lynne xxxx ❤️🌈💜 t

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Oh Fletch

This broke my heart reading your post, I can’t imagine trying to look after a child full time while suffering so much.

Please do not be so hard on yourself about how you are doing, you are doing the best you can. Could you talk to your GP and explain how you are feeling about your mood, struggles and drugs and if you have not already get referred to a Pain Management team there are different drugs that could help as Oldham65 has said that won’t make you feel off your face.

Your son will know that he is loved so don’t worry about that, I worked all the time when I had both my children ( not through choice) and rarely saw them but they knew they were loved they are now 27 and 23 and I once asked them.

Do you have a close family member that you can talk to or a friend that you can perhaps ask for help?

There are many times on here that I wish I had a magic wand and this is one of them, please let me know how you get on and your amazing even though you don’t feel it, trust me there are worse mother’s/father’s out there looking after their children.

Please take care 🐼🥰💜

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I relate to this so so much. I have a 13 month old. Although I haven’t had a formal diagnosis (rheumatologist follow up in a few months) I know how hard it is when you’re in pain and fatigued. I don’t think friends or family really understand how hard it is and it can feel so lonely (certainly does for me) I had a really bad flare up this weekend and the best I could do was watch tv with him and read a book if I was up to it. My thoughts all weekend have been the same. Mum guilt is real but we are doing our best. I found therapy to be so useful for this. I speak to a perinatal psychologist every 2 weeks which I got through my gp. Also I highly recommend a book (I listened to the audiobook on audible) called ‘mind over mother’ by Anna Mathur which helped me so much. X

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I feel the same I have 3 girld 12 9 and 5 my hubby works full time its not easy even my skin hurts 😭my eldest just got a congratulations letter from her head teacher cos atleast I'm always mahkking sure she's doing her work I try to make cakes and we have lots of cuddles try reading books with him and get all his toys out in the bedroom with u don't beat yourself up u will find ways to entertain him just by u being there a child needs love and time and you can give him that xxxxx

[Hazel_Angelstar Administrator FMA UK Staff]

Hi, you have had some good replies and suggestions. My daughter is almost 27 now but I still vividly remember what it was like trying to cope with her when she was small. I always felt guilty that I couldn't do more physical activities with her - although she never missed out on these because hubby and other family members were around to help. I would read, we would watch TV (she learned her alphabet and numbers watching countdown age 2), we would play with toys either sitting on couch or on the bed. So I did loads with her - just not the physical activities

Guilt ate me up for years until she was in secondary school. Parents night - and a teacher said to me "wish all parents had been like you when they're child was younger" ... She then went on to explain that it was obvious that Nik had had quality time spent with her, reading etc. That single comment changed my perspective completely one the things I had been able to do with her.

So I hope my story helps you to feel a little less guilty about what you cannot manage. What you are doing is what your child will remember.

[Yassytina FMA UK Volunteer]

Hello there, it must be very hard going for you young mums with Fibro, you sound a very caring mum and toddlers take up so much energy, so can you get free hours at any nurseries?? My daughter is working partime and can get extra hours on top of what she pays for , just a thought as I know many parents take advantage of this scheme. I’m guessing you take a nap when he does, I used to have one with my grandson to get through the day , but now at 3 yrs 9mths that’s very rare, so I always fall into bed after he has gone on a Monday .xxx

[MALC19]

Hi i can see you have had many comments.

I was diagnosed with ME when my son was 2 years old, he is now 33.

He always remembers me in pain from a very young age but has always said he had a wonderful childhood as we sat and had lots of cuddles, reading, watching tv and spending lots of time with his nana’s too.

We are still very close and he always asks how i am.

I can assure you that in a way your child/children remember how much time you spent with them and by far is better to their upbringing instead of letting them run wild and yes it will show in their school life.

My son is loved by everyone he meets as he is kind,caring,funny and has a fantastic job and a wonderful human being for all the love and one to one time i gave him all those years ago.

So please believe what everybody is saying by not being hard on yourself and look at the positives that your child/children will benefit so much better with the time and love you give them.

It is not good for yourself by being anxious about this as it causes fibro to be so much worse.

Talk to your GP about getting CBT, cognitive behaviour therapy and decent medication.

Good luck and stay well, we are all sharing your pain 😊

[Alizah]

Hi Fletch, I'm pretty much in the same boat but my 2 kids r wee bit older, please don't be hard on yourself and contact GP. There must be better pain relief options.

Look after yourself.

Tc X

[Braveheart1]

Hey Fletch,

From one guilt ridden mother to another please please please remember you are enough and despite facing more challenges you are doing it! You obviously adore your little one and I am sure he adores you too! Try to focus on what you can do rather than what you can’t do! I had a car accident over 5 years ago that brought on my chronic pain and subsequent diagnosis my children were 5 and 6 at the time - I have gone through almost a grieving process for the mother I was to the mother I became! It hurt that I couldn’t play bat and ball or be that active full of life person; it got on top of me and we suffered even more! I watch movies, play board games, read books, bake, plant things, colour and draw! Even play computer games (not that I am any good)! My children are both attentive and recognise my good and bad days; they offer to help and can be a great help too when I let them! I shower them with cuddles and kisses and every day I tell them how much I love them. I am still riddled with guilt but I recognise I am doing the best I can and they are not missing out! I don’t take tramadol but I am on medications I don’t feel drowsy or out of it; sometimes it’s about finding the right one. I have been through pain clinic, OT, physio I use mindfulness and sleep relaxation off youtube! I go to bed as soon as my children are in bed even if it’s just so I can relax more comfortably! If you can set up a space that is safe with some cushions and toys on the floor don’t begrudge yourself a little lay on the sofa! We spend too much time beating ourselves up which adds to stress and in turn that makes us feel worse. You wouldn’t be on here if you didn’t care enough to seek help and that to me evidences how good of a parent you really are.

Sending lots of positive vibes your way and wish you all the best

braveheart x