Who really are your friends

[Irrelavant]

It is funny isen't it that you think you know people until you become ill even my wife has changed towards me although she believes it's me who has changed maybe she is right or maybe we both changed, even our so called friends have jumped ship not all of them but most of them so sad.

[cuddlyka]

Morning Irrelavant, I know exactly what you mean. I've just recently been diagnosed with Fibro but luckily I have no real friends left to jump off my ship as they all jumped over board 20 plus years ago when my son was diagnosed with autism/severe learning disability, so won't feel that loss. I do remember feeling it the loss of friends quite keenly back the. My best friend is now my 30 year old daughter, who is an amazing woman.

[Hidden in reply to cuddlyka]

Shame on them cuddlyka😠.its so nice you have a lovely daughter tho xx

[fluff26 in reply to cuddlyka]

Hi Cuddlyka, I 've written a reply to you referring to your letter here, but got myself a bit confused?? I think I mixed up writing to you and Rosewine together??? BLIMEY I be having a wonky moment??? please read that looonngg reply to rosewine. ta have a nice afternoon luv Mandy xxx

[cuddlyka in reply to fluff26]

Hi Mandy, I understand....I think!!! Today is a good day, my brain is has finally after nigh 3 weeks moved out of 1st gear. Ha Ha xx

[Jan101]

Hi I know exactly what you mean. It wasn't when I got ill that my friends where no longer around.

It was the break down of my relationship and out of all my so called friends there where only 3 people there for me and one person that I met when it all happened.

Unfortunately we all can change when we get ill 😷. Some off us don't think that we have but illnesses do really change us.

Reading you post made me look at myself more I knew that I had changed because of the illnesses. But we do our best to make it as easy as we can for the people around us. We really have a lot to contend with and when we are having our worse days we do tend to forget how much that we can put on to others around us.

Before we just had our mood changes and now on top we have our illnesses.

My heart ❤️ goes out to you because I know how difficult all this can be for us to make the changes for ourselves.

Sending you lots off warm hugs 🤗 🤗🤗🤗🌹🌹🌹xxx

[Irrelavant in reply to Jan101]

Thanks 🙏 Jan101 it is a horrible feeling you know maybe it is all me and maybe I can't see that it is me oh I just don't know what to think anymore TTFN

[Jan101 in reply to Irrelavant]

Hi sweetie no you mustn't think like that. It's definitely not all you. We know that we put more onto our others around us. However on both sides we have to make allowances.

Try and take a step back and think 💭 about how you where before you got ill. Then think how am I now ! Then maybe you can see what has changed. Number one what has your illness put on you ! So once you see the additional changes then maybe speak to you wife / partner and tell them at times it can be quite hard for you to cope and how much it can get you down. Also maybe ask them is there something that you can do to make it easier on them. Because they also have changes and additional things put onto them. Like looking after us.

Sometimes this can help everyone and she might think maybe I should be a bit more understanding as he is the one that is ill and has to suffer this illness.

I am no doctor of any sorts. But I do know myself that I do and can put a lot onto my partner. I am very lucky as he is a very understanding and caring man.

However it's good to stand back from time to time and take a good look all around at everything.

But please please don't think it's all you because it's definitely not.

I am here if you ever need to off load or even have a giggle 😂.

You take good care of yourself my friend. Jan

🤗🤗🤗🌹🌹🌹xxx

[Jan101 in reply to Irrelavant]

I also ment to tell you I love your picture. I actually used it today and got a great response. 😂😂😂👍👍

[Irrelavant in reply to Jan101]

Hi I'm back Arnie swatzaniger tried to get back to myself but the wheels have fell off.My head has gone I just feel so numb I'm so so tired exhausted and twitching the pain is crazy I need to get a kip I will speak soon thanks

[Irrelavant in reply to Irrelavant]

Hi out there still can't sleep can't get comfy .Its my lovely mums birthday today I miss her so so much but I wouldn't like her to see me now.My life has fell apart altogether now I have to leave the wife I can't look after her and she can't look after me.i need to get away desperately from her she is not my wife someone has moved in her body and took over her.Im not saying it's just her because it's me too I am a 55 year old hormonal lesbian who is going threw the change I don't know wether I am having a midlife crisis or a mental breakdown but to make matters worse,that's if you can get any worse I'm married to a 55 year old menapausil grieving and depressed and in pain lesbian🙄and believe me you don't want to be around when we kick off.our lives are getting very angry now and the hurt cuts deeper and deeper and it has to stop now.My mind has gone sorry don't no were I went then Nike has just got up for college.im getting really bad spasms need rest.

[caninecrazy]

your picture made me giggle but in reality i have had many friends jump ship when i first became poorly back in 2005. it did hurt me at first but now i have hardened to being on the outside looking in, colleagues at work no longer invite me to nights out or the xmas do. but i am okay with that as ive only one person there who i can trust anyway. i would rather stay home with my family than spend the evening with fake friends

i regard you guys as my friends as you are always there when i need you and you dont judge me, you believe me and do not question what i am saying.

sending you hugs x

[rosewine]

Yes that is so true. My husband suffers with depression and really doesn't want to accept invitations out and has often developed a migraine just before having to go. This means we had either got to leave an event half way through or he couldn't go at all and I would turn up by myself. Of course the invites for both of us have now stopped so his isolation has caused my isolation.

The friends who do include me in a dinner invite every 6 weeks are the same age as me and all fit and healthy. They are actually a nice bunch of people but when they decide to do something like go down to London for a show and walk around the shops etc they just can't seem to take in that it is not the kind of thing I could do without holding them back. I sometimes think they don't want to know about illness as it is something they themselves might be scared of and they want to trundle on in their own perfect bubble.

Yes we change to unfortunately. I was the vibrant, enthusiastic, doer in our relationship dependent on no one. Worked, did the housework, shopping, big garden and exercised and now I often have to ask for help and struggle with all those things. I suppose I'm not the person he married he is not used to me being dependent in any way. He also doesn't want to see me in pain and you can see the struggle as he doesn't know what to do.

I suppose we just have to somehow deal with he life we have but it is so difficult at times.x

[Patdoyle in reply to rosewine]

You have put into words my life exactly since getting sick. Having been one of life's doers I find it very hard to sit and watch things go to pot. My husband does what he thinks needs doing but that's about it. I keep struggling to get things done. I know I get frustrated and bad tempered and he does too. My kids don't call round like they used to either. All very sad. I don't think healthy people can understand how life changes with illness not just for the person but the whole family.

[Hidden in reply to Patdoyle]

Its So frustrating Isent it,being I'll and limited.I.like you was always a doer an the person that helped everyone,now there's no one too help.me,one of the worst parts of being ill for me is how much less I can do now.and as you say the frustration😕 x

[fluff26 in reply to rosewine]

Hey Cuddly , we seem to share so much in common. My other half suffers from depression too. It is so difficult some days to deal with , as you never know from one day to the next how they are feeling. You don't mean to keep saying "are you alright?". But feel that you have to ask, even though I know he is going to say " yes , "I'm ok". but when he looks so down, you feel so helpless, because ,as we know , you can't actually do anything to help other than just be there holding it all together. People with depression, along with people like us, in chronic pain, are sufferers of an invisible illness. Other people cannot see it ,so they don't understand when it is there. My husband ,like yours, hates seeing me in pain, but sometimes I think he actually forgets how much pain every day brings. I have a bubbly personality, and can chat the hind legs off a donkey, so over the years this has been my "cover". I have managed to do, like most of us do, soldier on regardless. But being at home, since my surgery in February , it is slowly driving me insane!!!! Chris works away all week, and home at the weekends, but usually he is so mentally exhausted, that when he gets home, all he wants to do is watch the sport and lay on the settee. Great....not!! Our 12 year old is such a godsend, he helps me around the house, and comes shopping with me, but the time will come when he will want to do his own thing, and not hang about with his mum. I wonder what will happen then? Friends do have their own lives we understand that, but nothing beats having someone show a real interest in how you are feeling, good or bad day. That's why coming on here is great. We can chat away, get things off our chests and not feel so lonely. luv "N" hugs Mandy xxxxx

[Hidden in reply to fluff26]

Aw I think thats so sweet,a lot of 12 year olds wounlnt help at all bless him☺xx

[fluff26 in reply to rosewine]

Hey rosewine, it's Mandy here[Fuff26] I've answered your letter but addressed it to cuddlyka ??? sorry about that...got a whizzy head at the moment , and written to you both in the same reply!! I'm not very good at this computer stuff yet !! such a doofus ! Hope you can understand what I'm on about . thanks luv Mandy, xxx

[rosewine in reply to fluff26]

Don't worry I guessed it was for me just thought fibro fog has descended as it does with me. I've got to find my way somewhere tonight and it wouldn't have ever bothered me before but since fibro for some reason hate driving in the dark it is as though all the routes look wrong. You'll soon get to grips with the site and no one minds mistakes as we all do them, lol it just makes us laugh and we could all do with laughter.x

[fluff26 in reply to rosewine]

hi luvvy. Thanks for understanding what I was on about . I am with you when you say about driving in the dark. I never used to be like this, but I started to put it down to me getting older , and probably because I no longer go out that often in the dark, I became more nervous about doing it. Ben wanted picking up from the fun fair last Friday, and I really felt on edge. We live in rural place where those pesky lanes lurk in the dark!! But all was ok..... glad to get back indoors though. Anyway , as for my typing skills, let's just say, that the two index fingers I own are a god send , ha ha .. . ta ta for now , Mandy xx

[rosewine in reply to fluff26]

Just to let you know I managed the drive okay just very tired afterwards. Even managed to avoid a fox that had a death wish.x

[Shadows-walker]

Oh dear , my children became my carers my relationship with them has changed they seem to be the parent now , it's been going on 6 years and my youngest daughter has been with me since the beginning of all this ,the friends and I laugh quietly to myself we're never my friends, it still makes me sad but they can't cope all the promises to my youngest well ,I now basically PAy for a friend which again makes me sad but it's life , people get scared they don't like illness it takes a special person to take us on now , does your wife get any support it would help your relationship with her if she did , they the caters society help teach them in time to remember she's still your wife might be worth contacting them. Mind is another good one to tre they have support workers who can again help you come to terms with your conditions also try adult social services.

My name shaswows- walker because I used to be ! You now feel irrelevant you need support because your not irrelevant and "irrelevant I am not " might be a better name when you get the support you both .

Gentle hugs

Chris.

[joed]

I feel your pain, dont you just find out who your friends and family are, i have several disabilites and have been ill for years but 7weeks ago i had a double knee op and noone has bothered with me its so lonely when you are stuck indoors on your own and cant get out some of my friends and family try to understand me but dont think they really know what i go through every day life sucks to be me if only they walked in my shoes for just one day .take care joanne x

[Hidden in reply to joed]

Hmm I have a fair weather freind. And I use the term friend loosely.and another friend who's quite good as he's a carer.I only have my son,and we don't speak at the mo. I took myself away from people who just wanted too take from me an give nothing in return. I'm a bubbly outgoing person an I'm isolated but I'd rather that than have"fake" freinds. BTW the fairweather friend will probably disapear soon as iv asked her for a favour!! Xx

[spider555 in reply to Hidden]

My friend has gone silent at the moment. She's probably busy or might be in pain.

[spider555 in reply to spider555]

I've had the crisis team and I think she can't deal with it 😟

[Irrelavant]

Hi Cuddlyka my 3 different friends have been today I say mates (because the lads used to buy 3 in a pack in the men's toilets) and their the only mates who have hung around.My wife and I still can't see eye to eye she will not accept that we BOTH have made mistakes and I know I hit rock bottom when her mum died but she just left me to get on with everything like she did when her ribs got broken and the plain honest truth is I just couldn't cope, I was really ill 😷 I didn't realise myself how sick I really was now I have been diagnosed with personality disorder (I'd never heard of it before)I don't know what will become of us.We we're so happy together and Nike (well now I call him nephson) I thought would make our lives a bit complete we never wanted children but when he moved in with us we both took to having him like a duck 🦆 takes to water 💦 and we both love him. He comes home from college and asks "are you's talking yet" it's so sad we were both so very happy but don't know if we will ever be the same again TTFN

[Irrelavant]

Hi I think what makes it harder for us is that we are both very sick now from being the happiest party 🎉 couple going (even now they say that they looked up to our relationship) we were so so happy and carefree I miss her like crazy 😜 but I don't know 🤷‍♀️ wether it's too late now we have both said and done terrible things to each other thanks 🙏 for being around 🌹🌹🌹