MORAL DILEMMA

Hi everyone, hope you're all as well as can be x

Ok, my dilemma!

As some of you might know, I'm a single mum of two fantastic kids, well young adults really, they're 18 & 20. My 18yr old has just started college and my 20yr old has just left for uni. So, like thousands out there, It's my turn now. So I made the decision to join an on-line dating site. It's going ok, but I'm concerned!

At what point do I disclose that I have Fibro?

I'm obviously avoiding the 'athletic' types, but it's actually getting me down now, it's like another reminder that my mobility is limited. I try my hardest to keep myself positive and do what I can, when I can and in the main have accepted that I have limitations, but I didn't, for some reason, figure this into the equation when looking for a partner. I don't lie, but at what stage does it start to be considered a lie?

Please help, would be so grateful for any advice.

Thanks for reading, Karen xxx

28 Replies

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  • I would say go with your gut instinct, if you feel like the relationship could go somewhere then tell them, it is a difficult one but I would like to hope that if you met someone who you liked that they would like you for who you are and not be put off by this horrible illness. I hope things work out for you and I hope you have some fun too xx

  • Thanks NessH,

    I think you're right. I trust my gut instinct more as I've got older. I think I'l know when the time is right.

    The other element to this is telling someone that I don't work and am on the dreaded ESA. I do voluntary and I'm studying too so I try to keep myself in the 'loop'. My problem is that I can't do anything for too long!!

    Getting myself in a right state now, sod it, if he doesn't like it then he obviously wasn't right for me in the first place :)xx

  • Good for you, I think you have a very positive attitude :) x

  • An athletic type is what we girls need!

    I can understand why you are in a quandry as you don't want to put off a potential partner who might straight away dismiss your profile because of your illness but might fall head over heels the moment he meets you but you don't want to meet and start dating the potential "one" , fall head over heels and then have a prolonged flare and find yourself single again as someone was not accept ing of someone with a long term illness.

    I personally am all for honesty in relationships but perhaps I am just an old-fashioned kind of girl. I only had this discussion with a friend the other day and we both agreed that if we had our time again we would never pretend to be other than we are as one can often do when we are younger. We decided we would have been much happier overallnifnwenhad always nailed our true colours to the mast so we knew that people who were round loved us for what we were not what they perceived us to be.

    You are a wonderful warm human being deserving of much happiness and love and I am sure there is some lovely man out there who is just waiting for you to come into his life. Whatever you decide to do I wish you every success and happiness. A friend met her present husband through a dating agency and what attracted them to each other was a mutual hobby and it all worked our even though they lived about one an a half hours away from each other and have been together about 12 years now very happily.πŸ˜„πŸ’„πŸ‘ πŸ‘—xxx

  • Hi Rosewine, have always loved reading your lovely replies and this one is no exception. Thank you x As you've most probably read my reply to NessH, I won't bore you again. But just to say I do deserve this, been through too much for too long and I'm going to stay positive that real gentlemen are still out there and I'm gonna find me one. :) I'll keep you posted. xxxx

  • hi Karen if you be honest from the start if the guy is understanding then you have cracked it but if he seams distance then try again but don't let it confidence you will get some that understand other are a waste of space if you ask me take care all the best Alan x

  • Thank you Alan, it's good to see it from a man's perspective. Here's hoping! x

  • hi Karen hope all goes well for you and that you can let your hair down and enjoy a bit of freedom take care Alan x

  • I think I would also say go with your gut instinct. Each and everyone of us is different to how we react towards others so it is probably the best way to judge every situation. I want to genuinely and sincerely wish you all the best of luck.

    All my hopes and dreams for you

    Ken

  • You'll know when the Time is right ,I assume the person will be talking for a while with you ,I met someone this time last year and we both had health issues ,I told him after weed been talking about a month ,and to be honest it was his health issues that were the issues not mine , were very good together till his health issues made him hit the bottle and I think we would of still been together now if it hadn't been for that but I couldn't cope with his issues and then that got me stressed and then my issues health wise kicked in , so I would say honesty is the best policy but if your inner radar kicks in listen ,and if your not sure don't settle ,he must make you laugh and not stress .

    Good luck and be safe

    Chris x

  • But really, why tell too much? Why not just say you have limits over what you can do, but lots of interests. Then if you get more interested in each other, share that you have FM - when you feel in your gut that the time is right. :-)

    The main problem I see with disclosing too much too early is that there are too many who think it's hooey.

    But it is really worth a try! I too know a friend (a former bf in fact who I met online) who married a woman he met that way, and they have a sublime relationship.

  • How brilliantly brave of you! I really respect your need for a new friend in you life and guess what there will be one just waiting for you delicious Mum of two.

    Forget you have Fibro and when the time is right one night in the pub over a glass- explain one of the many reasons you are who you are :)

    I hope that makes sence.

    My Kids set my OH up. We went for a drink together and they were all at the bar ha ha poor man it was funny.

    Take care keep smiling

    xGinsing

  • Honestly is the best policy, never start off on a lie, relationship is a serious business, you must be genuine, if someone wants to start looking for a partner, the only way to start is by revealing to the intended partner the truth. Why not start here?

  • Hi Karen, if it makes you feel any better I met my husband six years ago on the net and we are still happily married with all my ailments and my two kids which are 18 and 22. We spoke on line for a week or so just chatting first as I got cold feet on meeting him straight away, luckily he was understanding and said I will wait till you are comfortable as he new how hard it must be for women to me total strangers of the net. Anyways I finally got to meet him he didn't know I had Fibro, we had a lovely evening and met again the next night (sat) we went clubbing omg! I go a little drunk and he said I could stay at his in the spare room whic I did but I could not move when I woke up! I had to call him to help me I was so embarrassed, he was really concerned and asked me what was wrong so I had to tell him, he sat on the bed shook his head and said why on earth did you not tell me? Well my gob just opened and I said well I thought it might of put you off he said no, I only went to the club because I thought you wanted to go pmsl! So I killed myself for nothing!!!! There ends my story

    Well I am still here with him now with a few extra ailments and he hasn't ran yet!

    Vikki xxxx

  • My advice would be to be up front about it from the start. To me I would want someone to be up front about major things. My question to you ... When would you want to know? When it comes to moral delemmas I always try to turn the question back on myself. How I would feel about it. I hope that makes sense because my brain has decided to take a break!!

  • Trust your head,heart and gut you will know what to do , be careful, if it doesn't feel right don't go......but most of all enjoy yourself xx

  • That's a very astute question. You could also ask at what point do I tell him I'm a Wombles fan.

    My answer would be not to think about your Fibro, and tell him when it comes up. The old question, so what do you do in your spare time? Is a way to explain your Fibro.

    Please please don't make it sound like a terminal illness. Be as lighthearted as you can when you explain it. Start with the good days!! Only go into the bad when he asks. If you have the courage to meet someone then you have the courage to explain your Fibro in as positive way as you can. Don't make it sound like a burden (we know it is to us, but it's up to us how we deal with it).

    I can't get the right words this morning, please excuse me. I hope you got the gist of it. And we'll done you for getting out there again πŸ‘πŸ»πŸ‘πŸ»πŸ‘πŸ»πŸ‘πŸ»πŸ‘πŸ»πŸ‘πŸ»

  • Thank you everyone for your replies, It is a poser isn't it? Some really encouraging stories too xx

    I met up with one guy, who I felt comfortable enough to tell, and like you suggested sorebones (U did make sense!), I didn't go all dramatic about it, unfortunately there was no chemistry for me. So I'm still looking. Chatting at the moment to a lovely guy, so who knows! Ithink I' m going to treat this on a 'need to know' basis. If he asks me to go hiking, that will definitely be one of those situations. πŸ˜†

    Again thanks everyone, feels good to know you've got my back.

    Watch this space πŸ˜‰xxx

  • Wait until you are talking to them online but before you actually meet them face to face. That is the way I would go, best of luck to you xxx

  • Good luck, Karen, I hope you meet someone really special - caring, warm and understanding.

    Mim x

  • I think you'll know when the time is right, trust you're instincts, and good luck πŸ˜ƒ

  • I also joined a dating site a few years ago and actually put my disability on their i felt like you do but thought i would rather meet someone who knows i have a disability before i met them. I did meet someone who i had a 4 year relationship with but it ended not due to disability we are still friends which is hard sometimes as i still have feelings for him. He had his own disabilities. I had quite a few dates before him and made some good friends but didnt feel romantically inclined. I may join again as it is so dufficult meeting new people when stuck in in your own all the time. But as my mobility is not good at the moment im waiting for it to improve abit. Hope you find someone out therre good luck

    Jackie

  • It's a difficult subject depending on how bad your fibromyalgia is I was on a dating site and told people, I spoke to a couple that I thought would be understanding were in the nursing profession they stopped talking to me straight away some understood but didn't want to be involved it took me 17 goes before I met my husband who used to work with homeless so he was used to all sorts we hit it off straight away, our first date we walked a 3 mile hike now I need a wheelchair but we married 3 month ago and he makes me laugh each day so stick with it there is someone out there, as I said you have to kiss a few frogs before you meet your prince. Good luck x

  • as a man i think you have had some great answers. but personally it is really down to how well you connect on your first date together . there is no point in telling a stranger about any health or other problems un less you actually feel a mutual attraction. so don't worry about it till you meet some one you actually wan't to see again. then you can bring up the subject during your second date.after all everyone likes to put on their best face for first meetings. good luck and avoid the miserygut type who thinks the world revolves around them.

  • Hi everyone and again a big thanks for all your replies and best wishes. Had a really crappy night with my back, knees, hands etc. Been up since 2.30a.m!! Just another reminder of my dilemma. Anyway, going to stick with my gut instinct and as AlKT said it's all about first impressions and I for me, if II feel comfortable enough to go on a 2nd date then I'll feel comfortable enough to tell him.

    Thank you all so much, you've really helped.

    Hope you all get a chance to enjoy some much needed sunshine.

    Hugs, Karen xxx

  • I think on the second date . if you really like the person go with your gut and go for it but the main thing get out there and have fun and the best thing is you can get a coffee and tell us all that happened on the date and we promise not to tell anyone . well I promise . you go for it girl there is enough time to cry and you make shore that you regret any thing don't forget this is the one and only time we get to live it is not a rehercal so go for it

    but remember to have 1 drink for us enjoy what you can laugh at what you can't and live the best you can

    and don't forget we all come with baggage he will have his as well and he may bee thinking when does he tell you his

  • Why not date a male Fibro sufferer ? Wait why would you want another ship wreck ? Here is the Dilemma most healthy guys wouldn't stick around why should he ? I have the same problem why would a fit women want to be with me ? No money no heath no chance. Single for 11 years and divorced for 5. We are all in the same boat.

  • Thanks, that really brightened my day!!

    Not giving up yet and for your information, have no issue with a fellow fibro sufferer, as this condition is so common, might even be a chance that

    I meet one, will let you know!!

    The no money thing is a completely different kettle of fish :))

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