Hi all. I have been reading here on & off for a bit. Commented some nights too. I just need somewhere to say this, so please bear with me...thank you!
I am 55yrs old today. It is my birthday & I can't stop crying.
Just last week I was released from the hospital from my 2nd set of mini-strikes & 2nd heart surgery in 7 yrs. I have complex health issues that range from asthma, daily bilateral sciatica, my fibromyalgia, and on up to vascular EDS (connective tissue disorder that causes major organ ruptures.)
Been depressed since this last hospitalization. I really didn't expect to deal with strokes & heart surgery again. I thought that was all over in 2007.
I am okay for now. BUT (it always has a "but" doesn't it) during this hospital stay I learned that the median life expectancy for vascular EDS is 48 yrs. So I am not sure how to handle that information. Depending on your perspective, either I should be grateful to still be kicking along, or, I should be saddened to know I am past due to die.
Sooo...late last night I did something very dumb! I thought it would be funny. I took the Dr. Oz "What is your real age" test. IF YOU HAVE HEALTH ISSUES I STRONGLY ADVISE AGAINST IT!
Damn thing rated my "real age" at 67. Yep! Not funny.
Today I hurt so much with my fibromyalgia that I had to fake it through my birthday. You know what I mean. We have all been there one time or another. I kept thinking "If I don't have long to live why do I have to hurt so much". Didn't seem fair, ya know?
Then it came to me, like a whisper from God. If my fibromyalgia had not slowed me down so much, if it had not taken me completely out of my career, & if it had not forced my type A personality to conform to a slow lifestyle... I may not have made it to my 55th birthday!
Seriously! I would not have been forced to learn to understand my body as completely as I have had to to manage my pain. I doubt I even would have noticed the mini-strokes. On my fast paced job I could have ruptured my heart before I even recognized a problem existed.
So...I started a new list tonight of what I gained from my fibromyalgia:
1) I know my body enough to know when something is off.
2) I dreamed of retiring. Now I am medically retired.
3) I wanted more time with family. I have that...including being there to watch my twin grandsons after school for 3 yrs.
4) I wanted more time with God. I have that.
It isn't a long list. I don't even know if it will help me, or anyone else, overcome the depressive states I get in. BUT, with this perspective I am now crying because I am grateful to be alive. Some things really are worth managing the pain for.
Thank you for the moment, or two, of your time. I pray for each of you to have more better days than not, more love than you need, and the very best in care. God Bless!