Words to live by (non Risqué version)

I have Four pages of these which I have collected over a few years, I will post them over a short period, do not worry there are non that anyone can take offence at, well hopefully not.

Here goes:-

Never argue with an idiot. The people watching might not know the difference.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

When you're lying in bed at night looking up at the stars, don't panic when you suddenly wonder "Where on earth is the ceiling / tent?!"

Remember, when someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown. BUT, it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and SMACK the person across the head. (Not sure if this is actually true all I do know is it hurts a lot more flexing those 4 muscles than the 42)

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four people is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you. (I blame my wife)

Just remember........if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but giggle when you see one tumble down the stairs. (it's the old slip on a banana skin, you know it is going to happen and it hurts but it is still funny)

In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them. (that is definitely true)

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

The things that come to those who wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

Birds of a feather flock together and then poo on your car. (another truism)

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth of the hole!

Take care and kindest regards

Terry

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  • Hi tettridge

    I sincerely hope that you are feeling as well as you possibly can be today? Thank you so much for those they were very entertaining. Personally the one about the birds? They normally poop all over my washing when I put it out and then I have to wash it again!

    Take care

    Ken

  • Courtesy of A Hitchcock?

  • Enjoyed the humor.

  • I loved these, I really like the 50-50-90 one that just about sums up my life :) I always tell my hubby that if I bought 4 raffle tickets and only five in total were sold, mine would not be the winning ticket!!! Optimism is wonderful or is it stupidity because I still buy them :) Take care, Susan x

  • I once watched my partner at the time slip on a banana skin in town and I have to admit the laughter was uncontrollable by myself and our friends. It is something that is always a cartoon until you see it happen and guess what!? It was just like the cartoon image with the whoaaaaaaaaaaaa's and aghhhhhs then thump.

    It was really difficult to assess him for damage whilst killing myself laughing at what I'd just witnessed, no-one could stop it from happening. I do still chuckle today about that it was 15years ago :D

  • Morning :) xx

  • Very good. I will be using some of these.

  • One I totaly believe in. If you can`t be kind be vague. Or better still keep your gob shut. sue

  • Hi All

    Glad you have enjoyed them 'cos as they say humour helps with the pain, at least I think it takes your mind off it a bit, at least it is like if you have a bad hand and you hurt the other one you do not think about the first one for second or two. trouble is you then have two bad hands for the brain to deal with. The humour is much less painful than having hurt yourself to take the mind off the pain and I do not want to go into the realms of self harm.

    Take care and kindest regards

    Terry

  • Terry I need to read that please post more from time to time ill be looking out for them

  • The only time I ever lay in bed looking at the sky. the roof of the tent had ripped in the night sue

  • Now I enjoyed these thanks!

    Indeed we do not need those realms we just need to laugh.

    Mayrose your comment about looking at the sky, I cannot think of a tent ripping yarn!

  • enjoyed reading these thanks for posting look .forward to more

  • Hi Terry

    I adore these words of wisdom, may I ask if you have them in one file to keep and if so would you kindly consider sending by link or to my email. I completely understand if not, but I would really value. Warmest wishes. Jackie

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