I have Four pages of these which I have collected over a few years, I will post them over a short period, do not worry there are non that anyone can take offence at, well hopefully not.
Never argue with an idiot. The people watching might not know the difference.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
When you're lying in bed at night looking up at the stars, don't panic when you suddenly wonder "Where on earth is the ceiling / tent?!"
Remember, when someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown. BUT, it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and SMACK the person across the head. (Not sure if this is actually true all I do know is it hurts a lot more flexing those 4 muscles than the 42)
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four people is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you. (I blame my wife)
Just remember........if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but giggle when you see one tumble down the stairs. (it's the old slip on a banana skin, you know it is going to happen and it hurts but it is still funny)
In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them. (that is definitely true)
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
The things that come to those who wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
Birds of a feather flock together and then poo on your car. (another truism)
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth of the hole!
Take care and kindest regards